You're No Fun Anymore

Prepare to cross oceans of time as we bite into Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker's Dracula. (The Stake-House?) Is this the thirstiest of all the Dracula films? Are the accents a pain in the neck, or fang-tastic? Does anyone wear a pair of slutty little sunglasses as well as Gary Oldman does? Can we stop making vampire puns? Don’t Count on it! 

Grab your murder weapon and dash comically into your favorite room as we investigate 1985’s Clue. What was your foundational Tim Curry movie (RIP to an international treasure)? Could Madeline Kahn be more perfect? And who knows about the legendary fourth ending to this film? All we can say is: Chief, take 'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Try not to get on the FBI’s radar (easier said than done nowadays) as we jack into 1983’s Wargames. Was anyone else terrified of nuclear annihilation as a child? Is this movie the first instance of AI hallucination? Who else is craving a Tab? Let’s try some phone phreaking and phind out!

You must chill, because we’re dedicating ourselves to Cameron Crowe’s 1989 teen romcom Say Anything. Do you have any desire to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career? Is the climactic boombox moment in this movie creepy and passive aggressive, or an expression of frustrated teenage rage? And why does John Cusack have the most oversharey and cringey fans? We’ll have some answers for you once we touchdown in London. 

Poof that hair and swap around your vaguely ethnic family tropes as we serve up 1988’s Mystic Pizza. Why must Hollywood erase the proud tradition of Greek American pizzerias? Is there a single bearable male character in this movie? And can we get more sister scenes in this sister movie? We hopefully have more answers for you in this episode than an emotionally confused teenager at the end of an angsty summer. 

Pack for a long hike but inexplicably don’t bring any water as we trek off to see Rob Reiner’s Stand By Me. Did anyone else mentally block out the blueberry pie scene? Does thinking of this movie as Wesley Crusher on a holodeck adventure make it better? And we know parental oversight was negligible in the 80s, but were kids in the 60s just completely feral? No time to answer, we’ve got to outrun this train! 

Throw some invisible food and get ready to never grow up as we fly into 1991’s Hook. Why was the media of the 80s and 90s so full of daddy issues? Was Robin Williams going for restrained in this role, or phoning it in? How much of the Millennial generation considers Rufio their first crush? Was there any scenery left unchewed after Dustin Hoffman was done with it? We’ll tell you once we find our marbles, 

Put on your power pantsuit and exact some just revenge as we sashay into 1992’s The First Wives Club. What kind of idiot lets Goldie Hawn, Bette Midler, or Diane Keaton go? How do we get justice for Stockard Channing? And can we please get more middle-aged dance sequences in movies? Answers with a healthy side of schadenfreude can be found in this week’s episode. 

Hide your dogs and work on your grip strength as we drop into 1993’s The Good Son. How does a parent overlook a whole murder shed? Why were Hallmark-level thrillers being released on the big screen in the 90s? Is this movie the most forceful argument for everyone needing to go to therapy—but with, like, a capable therapist? And are Elijah Wood and Macaulay Culkin the ultimate latchkey kids? If you survive dangling off this precarious cliff, we’ll tell you everything you need to know. 

Rev up that Camaro and make sure your shoulderpads are on straight as we peel into 1987’s Adventures in Babysitting. How dare Disney censor the most famous line in this movie, and why is swearing verboten but racism and misogyny ok? Is Elizabeth Shue the ultimate teenage girl hero? And is young Vincent D'Onofrio even more of an Asgardian beefcake than Chris Hemsworth? We’ll give you some answers as soon as we get back from the wilds of Chicago.