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ROUND 1: Are weaponized baboons attacking tourists at a drive-through zoo in the UK? We’d sure like to think so!

ROUND 2: One soldier is injured after an M1 Abrams main battle tank accidently fired on another tank during a training exercise at Fort Bliss. If you’re in the area watch out for an enormous ball of shit rolling downhill after this one.

ROUND 3: The Chinese Consulate General in Houston has been ordered to close following allegations of spying, but we’re sure they’re totally innocent despite burning a ton of documents in their courtyard the other day.

ROUND 4: The Marine Corps Marathon has been cancelled for 1st time in 45 years and we’re only telling you this because Kate wants to remind you she ran it once!

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