Ze Admiral: Rules for a Good Life

France measured a piece of the planet to make the metre. You measure your kitchen in barley. The Admiral confiscates your tape measure, defends the Emperor's height, and orders you to mark yours on the kitchen door, in metres. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.

At Trafalgar, Nelson changed a word to save flags. This morning you pressed 'reply all' to tell four hundred people thanks. The Admiral did not give you that rank, and he wants it back. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.

Cold coffee has a name, a footed porcelain cup and a street in Paris: the mazagran. You drink yours from plastic, through a straw, next to a fridge. The Admiral cannot allow it. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.

It began in Paris as a Bordeaux. It was copied, renamed and drained of its wine. The Admiral wants it back. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.

Germany lost a world war and still signed away the word champagne. You said it at a barbecue. The Admiral would like it back. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.

European law says milk comes from a mammary gland. The oat has no glands at all. The Admiral asks one question: where is the oat cheese? Ze Admiral is an AI voice.

Roquefort has a royal charter, a law and a court ruling. You have put it in the fridge beside the yoghurt. The Admiral is here for the defence. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.

France has five mother sauces. The Admiral would like a word about the bottle on your table. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.

A pompous French admiral rants about one thing you are doing wrong, every weekday morning from Monday, October 12. First: ketchup. Ze Admiral is an AI voice.