Zero Doinks: World's Weirdest Chicago Bears Podcast

The sun hasn't come out yet this week as we were reminded that the Bears are a football team that continues to rip out our soul, week after week, year after year. Is there any hope for any of us, being that it's only going into Week 4 of the 2023 season? What are we even hoping for at this point? Is JF1 ruined completely? Is anyone worth keeping around? How are we here already? Plus fun and games such as Keep an Eye on Dan, mischief along the way with Rick Feelsmen and the return of Dipsh!ts and Dipsticks with Greasetank Frank. Plus fresh tunes.

0:00 - 02:55 - Daughter of Bill Doinks doing part of a cinema classic.

02:25 - 04:28 - What's on tap tonight?

04:28 - 26:29 - Bears-Chiefs review, I suppose. Keep An Eye on Dan challenge for Dan Doinks. Apologies to Gayle.

26:29 - 51:41 - Broncos Preview but not really.

51:41 - 72:26 - Hamm's N Bread (America's Favorite Gambling Segment). Rick Feelsmen pops in for his hot hot picks.

72:26 - 79:56 - Bears Fantasy Corner.

79:56 - 99:19 - B1G Minute.

99:19 - 100:12 - Support Zero Doinks on Cameo.

100:12 - 114:59 - Dipsh!ts + Dipsticks with GreaseTank Frank.

114:59 - 125:25 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up.

125:25 - END - Compliments to Phoebe Bridgers, Darren's child, Daughter of Bill Doinks full version of a cinema classic.

As Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs await our 0-2 Bears, some tough questions have to be pondered. One of us is ready to take a stand on something, one of us is not. We do not spend too much time on the Bucs game and instead move onto the next opponent who we hope to god the Bears can actually hang with and not embarrass the whole fandom for once. Lots of surprises along the way and hopefully some entertainment for your ears as we continue to hope for the best but expect the worst.

0:00 - 03:04 - Apologies to The Basement Tapes and Bob Dylan for the cover song.

03:04 - 04:36 - What's on tap tonight

04:36 - 36:30 - Bears-Bucs and NFL Review.

36:30 - 56:43 - Chiefs Preview.

56:43 - 74:16 - Hamm's N Bread.

74:16 - 82:12 - Bears Fantasy Corner.

82:12 - 95:36 - B1G Minute.

95:36 - END - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up and Outro Music.

As much as we'd love to ignore the Bears-Packers Week 1 game, and whatever Luke Getsy drew up after months of preperation, we'll talk about it, but we'll focus more on our experience regarding the joint-smoking professional chef next to us at the tailgate, and other observations. After another contest of 'Keep An Eye on Dan," focus switches quickly to Tampa, which has a guy from an incredibly-named New York town that you just have to hear. Rick Feelsmen offers more expert gambling advice in Hamm's N Spreads, and the boys dive deep into your best Bears fantasy picks in Bears Fantasy Corner. Plus the Illini host the Nittany Lions this weekend in Champaign and the Gophers travel to future top draft pick Sam May (I might have that wrong) and his Tar Heels. Lots of fun along the way as we shake off this miserable feeling.

0:00 - 02:31 - Apologies to the estate of Kurt Cobain and his Nirvana bretheren.

02:23 - 03:41 - What's on tap tonight?

03:41 - 40:08 - What was our experience like in the stadium for Chicago-Green Bay? How do we feel days later? Did either of us watch the game back? Did the tailgater next to us make it home alive? We saw some red flags in the stadium before kickoff. Does Dan Doinks (0-3) finally win at Keep An Eye on Dan?

40:08 - 63:10 - Tampa Preview. Dan attempts to take us through a mental trip of Tampa, Florida, but somehow we end up in Upper New York.

63:10 - 86:38 - Hamm's N Bread. Rick Feelsmen (1-2) pops in for expert gambling advice. What games catch our eye this week?

86:38 - 94:06 - Bears Fantasy Corner. The boys (0-0-1) battle for fantasy supremacy this week with their hot picks against Tampa.

94:03 - 94:56 - Have some cash to burn? Order a Zero Doinks Cameo.

94:56 - 107:23 - Big Ten Minute. Bill Doinks will be in the house this week for Illini-Penn State. The Gophers travel to North Carolina in a tough non-conference battle.

107:23 - END - A little Cubs and Toffees talk plus have the ghosts returned in Dan's house?

The excuses are over, Rodgers no longer can hurt us, it is time for the Bears and Packers to switch roles after 14 years of beatings. Week 1 is finally here and our pants are involuntarily flying off our bodies thinking about what the trajectory of this team could be once they get rolling. Come with us for the ride.

00:00 - 02:45 - Compliments and apologies to Pearl Jam.

02:45 - 05:12 - What's on tap tonight?

05:12 - 37:17 - Bears Chatter. How do we feel about the roster. What is our Justin Fields confidence meter at. What is our final prediction for the 2023 record. Maybe we need to Keep An Eye on Dan?

37:17 - 59:49 - Green Bay Preview. Dan Doinks attempts to walk us through the streets of Green Bay, Wisconsin, but this goes sideways thanks to recent deaths of Jimmy Buffet and Smash Mouth guy.

59:49 - 98:09 - Hamm's N Bread. America's favorite gambling segment returns with Rick Feelsmen. We will try and win you some cash this year. We actually talk about the Bears-Packers game here.

98:09 - 103:41 - Bears Fantasy Corner. Who are our top picks to win you your W1 fantasy game?

103:41 - 104:33 - Find us on Cameo. Hire us to roast your best friends and family members.

104:33 - 119:48 - B1G Minute. The Illini are still on pace to win the 2023 national championship. Gophers survive W1 against Nebraska.

119:48 - END - Wrap the M'Fer Up. Baseball chatter. Toffees Corner. Tailgate talk leading into an incredible song by Rick Feelsmen.

A mixed bag for the Bears this preseason as they head into Saturday's finale against Buffalo. Two straight years of preseason injuries on the offensive line, including the recurring theme of a ding-y Teven Jenkins, leading us to wonder what's next? Roster cut down date is a week away and the Bears find themselves with a good problem to have at Edge and QB. By the time you hear from us again, the college football season will have kicked off, including some hot and steamy B1G action, so let's project where our Illini and Gophers are going to land in 2023. Random Pee Wee and Jim Abbott talk for no real reason as well.

The Bears finally have a dude that eats quarterbacks in Yannick Ngakoue. Took long enough but hey, it's only August. Real fake games are coming and we're here to ignore most of it. Are the Bears all the way back? Our yearly ritual of justifying The Athletic's QB Tiers article has arrived. How much are we pretending to not care about what's happening across the NFC North? Also, the B1G expands again. Hamm's N Ted gets touched on with baseball talk. Gray Balls also all the way back? Plus tons more, including lamenting (?) the death of Pee Wee Herman. Oh yeah, Cameo invited us on their site for some reason, in case you want us to roast your friends and lovers.

0:00 - 1:14 - Intro words and such thank you Arrested Development.

1:14 - 7:32 - What's on tap tonight?

7:32 - 56:00 - Bears Chatter. Yannick yes. What to make of camp. God, we are getting old. Sorry if you're a Ryan Pace guy, you're (probably) out. Family fest drama. QB tiers article burns again. How much are we pretending not to care about Jordan Love and the Packers? Was Pee Wee Herman a pervert?

56:00 - 74:54 - B1G Minute. Oregon and Washington have joined. What could possibly be next? Fleck coins.

74:45 - 92:15 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. Hey, a taste of baseball talk through Hamm's N Ted. Gray Balls all the way back.

92:15 - END - A reminder of time past with Chicago's cancelled trip to Tennessee during the COVID year.

It's been so long since our last episode and we missed you so much. The Bears are mere days from getting back together to start their climb out of the NFL basement. Justin Fields had a football camp today that Bill's son went to and wow, you have to hear the inside scoop that was learned. Will Fields merely answer some doubts this season or will he establish himself as the best QB in the division? The B1G Minute takes a weird turn this episode after the breathtaking downfall of Northwestern head coach Pat Fitzgerald. Quite the uneasy union of Shrek and locker room twigs + berries. With these hazing allegations fresh in his mind, Darren from Dublin has some shocking new details about his experience from last year's Wildcats-Huskers game in Ireland. (Former?) Northwestern fan Greasetank Frank returns for a stellar look at everything autosports in the latest Dipsh!ts and Dipsticks. Plus will Bill, fresh off vacation, finally pay off his Disney turkey leg promise from years ago?

Special thanks this ep: Rick Feelsmen for his timely intro song, Coach Cuse for bumper music, Darren from Dublin for his creative and diseased mind, Greasetank Frank for his autoracing expertise

00:00 - 02:02 - Intro to the show, starring Rick Feelsmen and his incredible tune, apologies to Tom Petty

02:02 - 04:14 - What's on tap?

04:14 - 44:03 - Bears Chatter. Post OTA world. Did Poles forget about edge rusher. Eberflus ranked last. Virginia and Mongo for HOF? Son of Bill Doinks at Justin Fields camp, gathering lots of intel. Hard Knocks and Netflix's QB show.

44:03 - 70:30 - B1G Minute. Northwestern Wut. Fitz fired. Lots of nude 'Cats. Super weird. Did Dan Doinks experience such things at his two college stops? How are the Illini and Gophers looking?

70:30 - 105:03 - DipSh!ts and Dipsticks. Greasetank Frank gives all of us his expertise in car racing, catching us up on NASCAR, Indy and F1.

105:03 - 133:58 - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. Grimace celebrated a bday. Bill may or may not have delivered on a Disney promise.

133:58 - END - Outro music and more. Interview between Bill Doinks and his son about Justin Fields camp. Shocking revelations about Darren from Dublin's experience in 2022 when Fitz's 'Cats were in Ireland. Very brave.

The 2023 Bears schedule came out tonight and as best as Dan and Bill Doinks can tell, there are no losses here. Is this the year Chicago rises in the NFC North? They have an old rival with a new signal-caller coming to town on September 10th to kick off the undefeated season. Bill and Dan both missed the schedule release show and are going through the games for the first time with a fresh and perverse perspective. There's a lot to like (besides home games on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve) in the year of our lord, Justin Fields.

0:00 - 3:39 - Highlights from last episode.

3:39 - 5:52 - What's on tap tonight?

5:52 - 67:18 - There are no losses here. Bill and Dan go through the schedule like only they can. Optimistic? Pessimistic? How do they feel about four prime time games, three of which are on the road?

67:18 - END - Outro randomness.

The 2023 NFL draft is over and the Bears made out pretty well, wouldn't you say? 10 freshly-plucked lads, featuring a giant of a man in OT Darnell Wright. We dive deep as only we can, matching each new player with the perfect comp for you to consider. How did divisional rivals Green Bay, Detroit and Minnesota fare? And what's next for our boys in navy and orange? Plus Greasetank Frank returns as autosports is reaching a delectable climax now that the calendar has flipped to May.

02:01 - 03:22 - What's on tap?

03:22 - 75:22 - Bears picks and comps. We walk through the top picks leading into the Bears trade from 9 to 10 and arrival at Darnell Wright. Bill's comps take on a strange new angle this year that you are not going to want to miss, with a special erotic sponsorship.

75:22 - 104:26 - NFC North chatter. How did Chicago's divisional rivals fare during the draft? Are the Packers wary to commit to Jordan Love?

104:26 - 116:03 - Dips and Sticks. Greasetank Frank returns in the heat of the motorsports calendar.

116:03 - END: Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. Jacob Infante hurt Dan Doinks very deeply.

Draft week is finally here. The boys of Zero Doinks cannot stand mock drafts, as you may or may not know, but in order to understand the want to do such things, one must at some point participate. Dan and Bill go through the Bears picks as if they're a drunk Ryan Poles and the results are .... not amazing.

Who do we want the Bears to actually take? Which rumors should be believed? Will Ryan Poles do enough to protect Justin Fields or will this be another middling season? Plus the boys dive into the breaking news of Aaron Rodgers finally being traded to the Jets. The king is dead, at long last. What does that do for Chicago's odds in 2023 and beyond? Plus tons more, including odd angles regarding the Mario Brothers movie, future Dave Madness locations, Tucker Carlson's demise and more.

0:00 - 02:25 - Our version of "Better Man," with a Bears twist, per usual. Apologies to Eddie Vedder.

02:25 - 04:51 - What's on tap tonight and why is Dan obsessed with Brooks Brothers?

04:51 - 72:58 - Bears Pre-Draft. We hate mocks but we do a Bears mock. Poles has a tough call to make with #9, doesn't he? If the Bears don't address OL or DL during round 1, how are we all going to feel as our heads hit the pillow on Thursday night? What's the deal with the beef between Windy City Gridiron's Jacob Infante and Dan Doinks?

72:58 - 107:31 - Rodgers is Dead. The Packers can no longer kick the Bears around with Aaron Rodgers at the helm. Are we okay with the trade results between GB and NY? How do we feel about divisional odds now that Rodgers is gone?

107:31 - END - Let's Wrap this M'Fer Up. We talk way too much about Mario Brothers, including toeing our line between amime and the dark web. Dave Madness recap and projections. We love you, thanks for listening. Check out our new album on Spotify