ROBERT WHEEL uses his potty mouth to announce which children are sick and which are goldbrickers in 2017's Magical Christmas Ornaments, and tends to: Mort, the original gangster ... Bobby to Hallmark: Dreck, Blecch! ... The Expositional Challenge ... A Hallmark podcast talking about podcasts in Hallmark ... How SHORT could this movie be? ... Tiny Tim and Medical Urchinosis ... Office hospital ... Munchausen by Christmas ... Small kitchen, large vermin ... Spot the Angel: Mom or ornament? ... Refreshing Tim Matheson ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bobby goes for the X rating, cookie-speared cupcake, gingerbread Groupon ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Children's book publishing vs. The Real Housewives vs. Ina Bruckner's revenge ... Danica McKellar, please fight Dave ... Overdetermined: Ornamental lingering vs. Quentin Tarantino's "Feet" vs. exhausting exposition ... Crossover: Poltergeist ornaments vs. exhausted archetypes vs. Bringing Out The Dead ... Breslin radio ... Bourbon bastard bro writer ... The Swagony of Defeat: Surprisingly modest for a product-placement movie, Sanibel Island geography, hot pants, Jesus Christ ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Partner Chat: So I Married An Axe Murderer; architectural quibble; HIPAA ... WASP Ken Marino or Canadian Luke Wilson? ... Ken Marino, please wrestle Dave ... Leftovers: Dave, fight Michael Bublé ... More on Hallmark's bizarre proto-Marxism ... Oh hai, Dickens ..."The Time of Our Lives": The Facebook post of a barely literate divorcé ... Rating: 2 • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Gingerbread Man (Instrumental)" by Gucci Mane • "Whoa, Girl (Just Boobin')" by Kidd Luv (feat. Johnny Boob) • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #5 • Follow Bobby here!