SIMON MALOY helps us get a *little* mean and Dave gets a little tanked for ALL THINGS VALENTINE and: Simon's Hallmark bona fides ... What channel is your Hallmark Channel next to? ... One Dobbs makes you larger ... Does Simon secretly have a Quiverfull family? ... Pie chat ... A darkness in our nation ... The loneliness of getting mad online ... Maybe the corrosiveness of online IS the moral? ... The begged questions of a universe where real tragedies are: Re-gifting, Valentine's scrooges ... The perceived passivity of hegemonic politics, and it was only SEVEN dates ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Supersized! ... Batting cleanup: Gentlemanly moppet, dad's "Not All Men" advice, Kit and Pru's wholesome loving counterpoint ... Dave liked it; Simon's dislike starts melting under trope knowledge; Jeb praises the actors' work with a story of a loathsome troll ... Chatting with your friends about cyberbullying ... BREAK ... Journalismism: When the advice columnist is the marquee player; Managing Editor James Gammon; BOTH platforms; "The Coach"; investigating your own comments section; mods?; DOXING YOUR OWN COLUMNIST to expose her to a troll; an editor failing to exploit first-person suffering; College Mascot Lame-Off! ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: McKenna, the unloved (always female) facilitator who eats sh*t for other people's happiness vs. token moppet Tony Bolognese ... You wanna see my grandma's canary? ... Alex Jones Presents Tony Baloney's Eat Your Heart Out: Fondue montage; that's not caramelizing; the most erotic moment in a Hallmark movie to date (strawberry eating); Le Chocolaterie; I AM LISA THE CONFECTIONER; "There are some dinner rolls"; endlessly loading food; El Adobe and juiciest tacos; apologies for "the juiciest taco"; "These burritos remind me of parental abandonment!" ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Christmas-tree metaphor lady from The Mistletoe Inn vs. Hearts of Spring and All Things Valentine in a town of internet-tormentor couplings ... Overdetermined: Brendan's needless viciousness and advice-ignoring and "well, actuallying" vs. Making Brendan read the column telling McKenna to break up with him vs. Valentine's Day as "trauma," and high school dares ... Kit, the actually nice guy ... Avery's totally unsympathetic gender-defending father ... BREAK ... Crossover: Kit stars in "Alphabet City" or as Jeffrey Combs in The Frighteners vs. You've Got Mail meets The War of the Roses vs. Dave's a goldbricker! ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Avery WOULD pass with flying colors, but her career/family discussions are about the Valentine's holiday ... Howell Raines ... Idiot editor, but at least multicultural casting ... Leftovers: "That cat paid for my education" ... Hey, did I ever tell you about this traumatic experience? ... NFL coaches we'd rather see doing an advice column ... Jeb's petty typo ... Brendan: child-labor victim, Stockholm-syndrome oppressor sympathizer, rentier-class exploiter ... Tony Baloney just KILLING a Valentine's note ... "Thank you for coming to see my grandmother's canary" ... Tony Bologn, unbelievable ... RATING: 3 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "U-Mass," by The Pixies • "Land of 1,000 Dances" by Wilson Pickett • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #4