It's 2015's PORTRAIT OF LOVE and time for Logan Echolls to: Pour water on your own damn computer ... THEME ... A Chopped basket of movies ... What are you even acting well in? ... The Expositional Challenge: Failed! ... Corbin Bernsen shot this in 30 minutes ... Street-legal sushi ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Jess, first among equals; birthing replacement customers for Stan's diner; maximum child acting; biking while sobbing; a busybodying "force of nature"; everyone in town has nothing in their lives but Luke and April ... Eat Your Heart Out: Alex Jones uncovers the truth about Stars Hollow; ice cream and liquids; giant salad tongs with pasta; Dave's Gilmore Girls ignorance/inheritance ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's Inverse Heisenberg principle; the town at the center of the Hallmark universe; no movie summaries on Wikipedia; Luke's time-comet time paradox-based breakup ... Overdetermined: Relentless "telling, not showing" placeholder text vs. Luke's fear of failure and April's fear of abandonment ... My Wife The Innings Eater, or: The casual disposability of dead Hallmark spouses ... BREAK ... Crossover: When Star's Hollow's Stars Hollow it's Stars Hollow; Harry Hamlin, Milo Ventimiglia and Enrico Colantoni star in "The Harrowing"; Jess Franco's Stars Hollow ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes early, racing toward no at the end; I get it, French class ... Partner Chat: Jigsaw hooky; Kate shuts the door; Hallmark's bizarro art world ... The Leftovers: April's terrible Luke portrait photo, BLUE THUNDER / WHITE LIGHTNING ... Freejack reference ... Maximo Munzi ... "Brandeis" ... Not smelling clay, thinking clay ... Science fair volcano ... Hallmark presents: Lobsterfest ... Date pickup at ex's house ... Wings take dream ... Rating: 2 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Where You Lead," by Carol King • "Halley's Waitress" by Fountains of Wayne • "Love the One You're With" by Crosby, Stills and Nash • "Caterpillar (Rabbit in the Moon Remix)" by DJ Keoki • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane