KAREN GEIER is back in our dang kitchen for 2018's CHRISTMAS AT GRACELAND and: No response from the Pootie ... THEME ... Outrage on Elvis's behalf ... Not getting "Elvis" ... Drug sponge with a badge ... Bad movie, hard to remember ... EPCOT shout-out ... Kellie Pickler at Waffle House ... Crushing-clunker line reads ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Reggaeton ... Plot cleanup: Best friend Sally and house for sale; Banking Dad; endless gifts; barbecue sauce; Clay as Mark Wahlberg in Fear ... Active hostility toward the south ... Multi-regional accents at Grace Lint ... Southern Received Pronunciation ... BREAK ... Every Time A Bell Rings A Second Unnecessary Modest Mouse Percussionist Gets His Wings: Quadruple-dipping on "Silent Night"; sangin' weeyith an ack seeint; stank on "Noel"; should be called No W; hardly any Elvis; Soccer Elvis; ADR and clunkers; here's your guitar or whatever; Kellie Pickler and gospel ... Spot the Angel: When the only angel is the plutocrat; the perfect Santa of capitalism; sharing work product and violating an NDA; has anyone been to a bank before? ... THEME ... Eat Your Heart Out: Taking Chicago and the South's food culture and not having any food at all; Hot Cocoa is married to Ice-T; nuclear-powdered ice-rink hot chocolate; Tree Man Syndrome; unreal rice-crispy squares ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: LeeAnn Rimes in Memphis in Canada and Michigan and NY vs. A gritty prequel of an absentee dad ... Overdetermined: A fictional and featureless magical south; Seaman Beaumont shout-out; Elvis's horny ghost and kids at Graceland; Clay and Laurel find that coming home is around the corner; ditching your other best friend from 3rd grade; the black family in a Friday's bed-and-breakfast ... BREAK ... Crossover: Man vs. Fool's Gold Loaf ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Women be workin' and single parentin', less regressive than expected ... The Leftovers: Christmas light night-light ... Going out at night on a travel day ... "Do all of these other people live at Graceland?" ... Memphis snowfall ... Disney's Americaland hotel room ... Boss reading Memphis area music programs ... There are flights to Chicago ... Flocking-ass Christmas trees ... Turning the lights on AFTER decorating the tree ... The correct German way of Christmas lights ... Gas-filled s'mores ... Leave the door open for wilding-out houseguests ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Rating: 1.5 ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Black Dog/Hound Dog" by Dread Zeppelin • "Elvis and Bears" by The Red Elvises • "Ballad of Elvis and Priscilla" by The Red Elvises • "Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane