SARA KATE WILKINSON returns for 2018's ROYAL HEARTS and: THEME ... Belinda's Garage ... Neti pot in The Expanse ... Sara Kate explains why she's angry she picked this movie ... Say "regency" one more damn time ... James Brolin's lethargic Sam Elliottness ... Where are the royal clothes? ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Sara Kate's Downfall ... A foreigner telling you you're rich ... Zero genealogy knowledge ... Parliamentary Privy Council ... Screw our national sovereignty ... Small kingdoms, hidden economies ... Authentically sassy waitress ... Grimsby: Snotty Disney Bear ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Legends of the Foal ... Eat Your Heart Out: Where's the princess sh*t; escargots; flat champagne; grilling is not BBQ; "country AND eastern"; trout for dinner ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Make-A-Wish trip for the lingering illnesses ... Overdetermined: Backs literally turned to family, King Nicholas's full quaffing evil, great traffic for the king, the Royal Decals, Nicholas' forced father-confronting evil ... Princess Kelly, premiere oaf ... Alex's denim and Robin Hood outfits ... Shooting the king's shaft ... Khakis for the Privy Council ... Alex's soft, unintimidating flirting ... Crossover: Transylvania 6-5000 ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, but grading on a scale it's really still no; oblivious to date ignoring her; read ANY other Regency novels ... Letters to Santa pitch ... The Leftovers: King Hank's folksy aphorism monster-cut ... Motion to dissolve the monarchy carried ... Faling off a ladder in a crouch ... She should be in the library! ... King Nicholas' incompetent lying ... Voiceover ending ... Rating: 2 ... Everyone feel better! ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Rodeo, by Aaron Copeland • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane