SARA KATE WILKINSON gets sent to CHRISTMAS CAMP (2018) to learn: All these people are dead ... THEME ... Ready for Christmas in July ... Can't find this movie ... Normie Hallmark Facebook ... Inert but fascinating ... A delightful vision of organized cabin fever ... Adults at camp ... Not taking work seriously ... The book isn't better ... BREAK ... Plot in 30 Minutes ... Bobby Campo IRL ... Greg Evigan's daughter ... Krampus as himself ... The most goth Hallmark character to date ... The hard Hallmark script schedule ... Hyperkinetic opening scene, then constant claustrophobia ... Christmas cult brochure ... Booming Ben as Ken Howard ... David Lynch-ass blocking and set decoration ... BREAK ... Plot in 30 Minutes (Cont.) ... Meet Jeff, camp drifter ... The Christmas Camp Checklist/Certificate ... BJGSSHIC ... Ian and Susie, dumb as hell ... Mike Budenholzer and Billy Donovan ... Hainted Gail and Troop Ryan ... Harold Pinter's The Birthday Party ... Brechtian snow ... Charlie Brown-ass tree ... Snowball-target affirmations ... Met at the wharf ... Franchise camp ... First rational Hallmark quit ... Dating app, troop return ... Gail and Ryan are ghosts ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Krampus; Dog possessed by haints?; "Give away products"; John, Blake and Madison, magically non-white, unhelped ... Eat Your Heart Out: All-carb breakfast; turn an oven on; buffalo-wing compromise; no-surprise baby announcement ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Gail downloads Mingle All the Way vs. Watching Chase Taynor choke for Botown ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: No...??? ... Aimless, inconsistent but contextually logical ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Finally, a heroine who gets promoted and returns to the big city; Haley shows no interest in dating; blowing off a coat; she doesn't pursue him; spontaneous desire to be Mom & Dad; bringing ornaments to camp ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Rating: 2.5 ... Embracing Lynch and Gail as a haint ... Maybe they're all dead ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Your Groupcycle class ... "A go-getter" ... Stevie Nicks Camp ... The Rebranding of the Puffin Hotel ... Pipe burst? Take your time ... Side entrance, fake entrance, deformed house, and a demon greeting elf ... Do you wanna go inside? ... Never forget WHAT, Jeb? ... Naval captain wine glasses ... Validating yourself too much through work ... Yeeaaahhhh, buuuuuddy ... Telling my boss my boss is killing me ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Laura Palmer's Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane