The Oracle says we'll meet MY ONE AND ONLY (2019) and: Make a hashtag out of #UandMe ... THEME ... Ballooning away ... Locked-in disorder experience ... Refrigerator poetry/Taco Bell menu plot ... Bean unit ... 5-layer burrito ... Rude zingers ... When Pascale Hutton talks ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... The wrap-up ... Self-aware but self-Hallmarking dialogue ... "I worked at Big Dogs" ... Juvenile lean-in to meta-commentary ... Crowded by Crown Media formulas ... Selsen Blue's reality show setups ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Bupkes! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Giant bowl of cherries; you love fortune cookies; single women housing deep-fried starches; consensual choke cherry jam; incredible BBQ blocking ... A jillion extras ... Hallmark Basic Instinct ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Founders Day and the Wicker Man; The Ranch Belt; Jason Whitlock, the Steve Bannon of Haberdashery; Hot Shots, Part Deux; Luke Perry; Carl is hard; ranch pandemic; All Things Valentine callback ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Exhaustive fear/falling metaphors; decent elder wisdom; priceless journals for all guests; The Deseret School of memoirs ... Crossover: The Horse Whisperer, but with wife-swapping; Days of Heaven; Heaven's Gate ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, with a strongly non-selfless irresolute ending ... Rating: 2 ... Following Andy Kaufman ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Lee Brice's "Rumor" ... Twitter auditing Lee Brice ... Bunnicula ... I Choo-Choo-Choose Logitech ... I gotta grab some permits ... Pandering luddism ... Sushi burritos ... Angry old Cosby ... Edward Woodward and filming in bad weather ... Every Hallmark movie is 10 days old ... Tactics on Trout ... Fishing hook to the face ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Birthday Cake," by Cibo Matto • "The Ballad of the Green Berets," by SSgt Barry Sadler • "Rumor," by Lee Brice • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane