We settle our brains for a NOSTALGIC CHRISTMAS (2019) and: A computerized programmable horse ... THEME ... Ethnically Kasem ... Led astray by Brooke D'Orsay ... Trevor Donovan streak ... Victor Webster's lotion ... The Expositional Challenge: Dunnnkk ... Powerful wooden Santa totems ... Alicia, the smartest person in Hallmark history ... Dullards ... Going back to Miss Christmas ... Leads failed by material ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: City of angels, angel amnesia ... Jaguar ... Eat Your Heart Out: A single bite, dessert chicharones ... Mike Francesa farted on the radio ... RIP, Deadspin, a fart website ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas in Angel Falls, the rocky and desolated Hallmark riviera, abandoned southern downtowns, Squat and Gobble, Kum and Go, Pump and Munch vs. Who buys the mill? ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Listener Sarah's Segments, including "The Moderately Attractive Man," "Chekhov's Solution," and "A You Problem," The Horse and Carriage Elder God ... The Nog-Sothoth ... Overdetermined: "No time for love, Dr. Jones!" and "A Hug of Good Tidings" ... Excess of binary scenes ... Repeated parental conversations ... Crossover: Satanic Christmas in Castle Rock ... Sergio Leone camerawork ... Aw, GAWRSH ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone is a replicant ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4, and an ecstasy of twinkling and thankless material ... Rating: 1.5 ... The Leftovers: [LINK] Smart Horse [LINK] ... The Internet of Horse ... BoJack Horseman ... "We purchased the title of a book and ignored it" ... Nostalgic Christmas TK TK ... The cab traffic in North Bay, Maine ... Herding reindeer ... A weird figurine of an older man ... Don't read the incantation aloud ... Jessie gets left with a lot of adult strangers ... A non-Euclidian Hallmark space ... Celebrating a win at the snowball toss ... The doohickey stays in the picture ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "U2 (Special Edit Radio Mix)," by Negativland • "Twin Peaks Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti • "I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More, Baby," by Barry White • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane