DAVID T. COLE fortifies himself for PUMPKIN PIE WARS (2016) and the rising: Dave Quotient ... IMDB savant, finite memory ... Non-romping splenda oatmeal ... Magnum, PI's "Paper War" ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: May be written ... Karen Geier plug ... Pie breach origins, bakery bailouts ... Just get a chair ... The Hallmark version of intercourse ... Hallmark-level naughty ... Falling off a ladder ... Some braless work ... "Winning the bake-off will bring in the locals" ... Who are the baking mandarins? ... Six Months Later ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No angel food cake; a terrible version of The Good Place; no angels, but The Devil ... Eat Your Heart Out: Pumpkin out the yang; no food stylist on set; a reasonable menu; inaccurate pie baking time; Le Cordon Bleu in London; artificially ignorant kitchen wrecking; "I'll write the recipe"; Casey learns nothing; baking pumpkins ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Murder She Baked, and America's Pie Belt ... The (Pie) Body Farm ... Murder She Baked > Khal Drogo ... Crossover: Grace and Frankie prequel; Tampopo; eighth base; Hallmark's Hunger Games; Gordon Ramsay abuse; Nailed It ... BREAK ... Payola, Patreon and another ad bust ... Journalismism: Another fake Google; Lucky in Love; Wharton's classes on psychological warfare; press scrum for pie ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Technically yes, buuuuut ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Sam is a replicant; Rico Aragon at the table read; Amish Ghost; it won't happen a third time; every person watching a bake-off; rotisserie turkey ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Chair solution; a boundless bake-off economy; being complementary ... Rating: The Juiciest Taco origin story, and a 2.75 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Existential pumpkins ... CSI handwriting sample ... Black Betty ... He has a boat ... Teenage sneaking around ... Just go talk to him ... Cocaine is supposed to be fun ... Wellness Living ... A knife too far ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Hot 'n' Nasty," by Humble Pie • "Buttermilk Boy," by Humble Pie • "Apple Pie À La Mode," by Destiny's Child • "Be Sweet," by The Afghan Whigs • "Sucking on the Sweet Vine," by Humble Pie • "Six Gallon Pie," by The Meat Puppets • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane