KAREN GEIER laces up her black-and-white Nikes for CHRISTMAS AT GRACELAND: HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (2019) and journeys to: An important announcement ... THEME ... Oprah intro ... Hallucinating your own death ... Cult podcasts and grief ... Hallmark, holidays and cult behavior ... Caganer update ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Plot in One Segment: Back from Europe, on a couch, taking every job ... Thin plot, montages, filler ... Disrupting HIPAA for for-profit hospitals ... Insane fundraiser and Graceland gala ... Yule logs, tree shopping and decorating ... More filler kid-montages and a last-minute quit ... Priscilla Presley ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Harper's sister, or just Harper ... Adrian Grenier's Oh No! hair ... Eat Your Heart Out: A yule football phone; a toilet seat of dessert; sandwich error; kitchen flour explosion; "We're baking!"; cutting ones ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Back to Grace Lint for horror-romance and former bandmates ... Remembering last year's movie ... Overdetermined: Negging into domesticity vs. The Kids Need Structure ... Crossover: Hallmark's Extra-Pregnant "Entourage" with murder vs. Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman save Graceland vs. A Fugue of Doubtfires ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! Plus a silent husband ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: HusboBot 2.0 vs. Priscilla hostage-haunting Graceland ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4 ... AIR BUD DEFEATS PORKY'S ... Rating: 2 ... Realtor staging a murder house ... Fake snow residue, ill-placed wadding ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Authentic Memphis International Airport Experience, with Minority ... Accept the job, change the job, hold the job hostage ... Absentee parents ... Color-rinsed exteriors ... McMansions nearly dwarfing Graceland ... Identical dead-mom photos ... Don't tinsel like Elvis ... Europe: The shopping is amazing! ... Corning's rotating glass wall ... Plugs! ... Misbehavin' ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Pope," by Prince • "Elvis and Bears," by The Red Elvises • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne • Check out Karen's podcasts and other work here.