TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING take a trip to NORTHPOLE (2014) and: Robots, they're just like us ... Classic Tudyk ... THEME ... Joe E. Tata ... Plugs! ... Sequel book ... No Swank ... "Enough" ... Dina Meyer ... Ridgewood, NJ. 07450 ... Pleasantly surprised ... Accidentally in Love ... Paula Abdul's "Itty Bitty Titty Committee" number ... The Mac Rangers ... Wanting to talk about Fastlane ... Tiffany Thiessen's cooking show ... Cast Rundown and The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Nothing; you get one sproing ... More careful, more expensive ... Authentically cold ... Bailey Madison, SVU ... The John Munch Hallmark Universe ... Hallmark one-timers ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Clementine, Santa, an elfiverse ... Journalismism: Dictating to copy desk; crossword and northern lights; legit hardball; mysterious old man; correcting the TV; ask a follow-up; the Elf/Developer Trust Continuum; getting a friend fired; "Butthole Eaten at Lions Tailgate"; bold quitting ... Eat Your Heart Out: Wack elf measurements; dismembered snowman ice cream cake; no savories; the Guild of Yummy ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Priscilla Presley back from Christmas at Graceland II; Gus van Houten's avuncular developer; Wedding March 17: Hit or Mistletoe; the Santa and Only Child buddy universe ... Overdetermined: The Northern Lights Cycle of Happiness; everything; Ryan lecturing Chelsea; their 16-minute emotional journey ... Crossover: Ryan as a brother in While You Were Sleeping; the Perfect Boobs Ladies Detective Agency; a Dark City for the North Pole; The Santa Con ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folger's crystals tubbb; the Hallmark Northpole Find-Me Santa light ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ryan, debatably; Jenkins, editor-in-chief ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Older, inconsistently bantery, slightly precious, 1.5 ... Every other kid in this movie sucks ... SnOMG, it's Dazzy Clementine ... BREAK ... Who's the Real Villain?: Clementine's costumer, jumping to conclusions, science, austerity, institutionalizing bullying ... Rating: 4 ... A good use of Robert Wagner ... Now accepting walk-ins ... The Tampa Bay Rays Hallmark lead draft ... Ugly to all fields ... The Leftovers: Mrs. Robert Wagner ... Sucky dad ... Actual Thiessen husband ... Tiffany Thiessen's cooking show again ... Christopher Walken in Northpole ... Boosting non-union reindeer ... Eco-quitter ... Eight movies ... Spooky Buddies ... Plugs again! ... Deer's ears ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC:"Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Theme from Beverly Hills 90120 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

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