MAURA QUINT returns and we DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART (2021) for:

Editing IMDB to include more scared priests ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Welcome back Maura ... Flip this host ... No song ... Noom brainwashing ... "Advantage Monthly" ... New York Sports Club Magazine ... You were going to be kidnapped ... Reviewing Ohio community theater ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Four Dead Girls, the Soul Taker ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... Actual evidence of movie ... Decent human relations, terrible plotting ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or the editor ... Eat Your Heart Out: Street meat; cold-brew coffee in winter; ground snout; knowing a pizza place; mentioning other food ... Journalismism: Suit and corner office; insanely hot blogger; (off-topic) making your ingenue plain; not understanding features; that ponzi thing; editorial sound-board; Lumbergh vibes; Fight Club and/or ghost editor; three-week ponzi story; "scams and fads"; Bill Simmons ultimatum; "but what does this all have to do with my relationships?"; "You think you can get some photos?"...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE

The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Affluent-guy social/travel club; Episode 57, "Wetwork for the America Pageant"; French pastry chef boot camp squats; Anxiety Paintball; Episode 84, "Badboy James and the Whole Hardbody Movement," and Episode 31, "Not All Tonys Are Baloney" ... Overdetermined: Load-bearing overdetermined; the climbing gym; "there's the guy from the restaurant" and "comfort me with your pain"; libertarian-guy vibes ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR

Crossover: Teach me to run like Ben; the Hunter Pence School of Baseball; bathroom emergency; Marriage and Baby boot camps; Color of Night (again!) ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Clear enough; past-life regression; Dead Again ... Hmmm? A job interview? Hmmm ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Business-partner Chloe and transference ... Weird, unethical coda ... Who's The Real Villain: Any self-reflection; underfed fad/fraud story; totalizing female fallibility ... Rating: 2.5 ... No-chemistry sister ... Bangs ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE

High school pendant symbolism ... Lesbian cat mom ... Hallmark's homophobe died ... From Plandemic to Lesbian Cat Mom ... IMDB Dive: The Soul Taker series; music video himbo ... Nina Weinman's oeuvre ... Episode 2, Ina Bruckner's Gingerbread Manhunter ... Chupacabra vs. The Alamo ... "A Shaolin Christmas" ... Bink Williams! ... Lunch isn't what it looks like ... What about fear? ... PalConnect ... Ben's Sex and the City voiceover ... Tom Waits ... Makeout Point Kimmel painting ... Bink, the Assassin ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Don't Go Breaking My Amp (Busker)."

Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback