January 31, 2022

119. Book 'Em, Dildano

1 hour 3 minutes

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early!

Lords:

Jenni

@horsewizrd

Chris

Topics:

The coming schism between Wordle purists & Wordle metagamers

Amazon kindle fantasy best-sellers is ruled by niches that nobody outside of kindle or Royal Road users have heard of

https://www.sbnation.com/a/17776-football

In high school I knew a guy who, one time, managed to use up all the ink in a ball-point pen. The ink tube in there was just totally empty, it was astonishing. Nowadays whenever we run out of olive oil I get the same thrill. I did it! I used all the oil!

The Tiger, by Nael, Age 6

https://twitter.com/826DC/status/966009025090473985

Why can't Wizards or any of the clones figure out how to make D&D fun to play at high levels? Why is this an unsolved design?

Zardoz & Barbarella have similar energy except Zardoz comes across as sincere & Barbarella comes across as falsely ironic to hide the sincerity

Microtopics:

Jim's sip of tea.

Making your husband Sleepytime tea so he goes to sleep while recording the podcast.

Making a video of yourself arguing with your cooking teacher to post to social media.

What is a Wordle?

The Wordle sheriff joke.

Muting the green block emoji so you stop seeing all the Wordle bragging.

How to improve Wordle's psychic damage output.

Wordle except instead of five letters it's five abstract concepts.

Paranormal reverse-harem.

Pricing your paranormal reverse-harem book at $250 and discounting it 99% so users are like "paranormal reverse-harem for $2.50? I can't afford not to!"

All the topics you can't sell books about on Amazon and all the coded tags you use to sell them anyway.

Whether Amazon will ban your book as containing bestiality if the genitalia is on the human side of the minotaur.

A horse with human intelligence with a penis growing out of its back, and whether anyone has sex with the penis.

The liminal space between bestiality and reverse-bestiality.

Arguing in traffic court that your car is just a collection of atoms and the distinction between those atoms and those of the world it's traveling with respect to exists entirely in our minds.

Doing a crime just to go to Horse Court and see that horse judge you.

Admitting that you are That Guy.

Sending your pens to the pen dimension.

Graduating from high school and discovering that the weird lump on the knuckle of your middle finger isn't just you having a weird skeleton.

Writing good handwriting.

Refilling the salt pig from the salt cylinder.

When the sauce is burning and the only solution is to salt it right now.

Going to Horse Court to decide which of you bought the pepper grinder.

Popular with the robots.

Whether the poem works on a third level.

Writing the best poem.

Viral Poetry Sensation "The Tiger."

An "invisibility cloak" which is just an empty hanger.

A magic supply store where half the items are just jokes on the purchaser.

The adult poetry workshop where you drink a glass of wine and transcribe "The Tiger" by Nael, age 6, then take it home and show it to your parents.

Trying to look at the thumb tips your friends are going on about.

Braving Omicron to buy a thumb tip.

Hypnotizing a napkin.

A magic trick where you make a rubber band disappear, but only for yourself.

Aging two years while dead.

Whether Nethack's difficulty curve is better than D&D's.

A weird combination of spells that is broken in a non-numerical way.

What the wizard did when the spaghetti-os were on too high a shelf to reach.

Letting the players fight Thor even though you know they'll figure out a way to kill Thor.

Thor swinging his hammer and killing you without having to roll any dice because Thor doesn't have stats.

The Dying Earth series by Jack Vance.

Godlike wizards feuding over who took the leftovers out of the office fridge because they ran out of real problems to solve.

The Dying Earth series by Jack Vance, except with football.

That Insidious Beast by Zack Parsons.

Instructions for a fruit.

There is no Antimemetics Division, by qntm.

Counterfeit Monkey by Emily Short.

Sean Connery in a red diaperkini.

The big head that floats around and vomits guns and explains how guns are better than penes.

When they invented the concept of copies of movies.

Your deal with the devil where if you fail to make Lord of the Rings you have to make Zardoz, but you succeed you get to make King Kong.

Scantily clad rocket people.

Barbarella lying in a thumb harp being yelled at by a dude wearing a Dalek and reading from a piano roll.

Learning how to draw by looking at promotional shots from Barbarella.

Mario fanfiction through the lens of Cyberpunk.

Whether they have sarcasm in Japan.

Tom Nook slapping his own nipples for ten hours.

Support Topic Lords

...more

View all episodes

By Jim Stormdancer

4.8

1212 ratings

January 31, 2022

119. Book 'Em, Dildano

1 hour 3 minutes

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early!

Lords:

Jenni

@horsewizrd

Chris

Topics:

The coming schism between Wordle purists & Wordle metagamers

Amazon kindle fantasy best-sellers is ruled by niches that nobody outside of kindle or Royal Road users have heard of

https://www.sbnation.com/a/17776-football

The Tiger, by Nael, Age 6

https://twitter.com/826DC/status/966009025090473985

Why can't Wizards or any of the clones figure out how to make D&D fun to play at high levels? Why is this an unsolved design?

Zardoz & Barbarella have similar energy except Zardoz comes across as sincere & Barbarella comes across as falsely ironic to hide the sincerity

Microtopics:

Jim's sip of tea.

Making your husband Sleepytime tea so he goes to sleep while recording the podcast.

Making a video of yourself arguing with your cooking teacher to post to social media.

What is a Wordle?

The Wordle sheriff joke.

Muting the green block emoji so you stop seeing all the Wordle bragging.

How to improve Wordle's psychic damage output.

Wordle except instead of five letters it's five abstract concepts.

Paranormal reverse-harem.

Pricing your paranormal reverse-harem book at $250 and discounting it 99% so users are like "paranormal reverse-harem for $2.50? I can't afford not to!"

All the topics you can't sell books about on Amazon and all the coded tags you use to sell them anyway.

Whether Amazon will ban your book as containing bestiality if the genitalia is on the human side of the minotaur.

A horse with human intelligence with a penis growing out of its back, and whether anyone has sex with the penis.

The liminal space between bestiality and reverse-bestiality.

Arguing in traffic court that your car is just a collection of atoms and the distinction between those atoms and those of the world it's traveling with respect to exists entirely in our minds.

Doing a crime just to go to Horse Court and see that horse judge you.

Admitting that you are That Guy.

Sending your pens to the pen dimension.

Graduating from high school and discovering that the weird lump on the knuckle of your middle finger isn't just you having a weird skeleton.

Writing good handwriting.

Refilling the salt pig from the salt cylinder.

When the sauce is burning and the only solution is to salt it right now.

Going to Horse Court to decide which of you bought the pepper grinder.

Popular with the robots.

Whether the poem works on a third level.

Writing the best poem.

Viral Poetry Sensation "The Tiger."

An "invisibility cloak" which is just an empty hanger.

A magic supply store where half the items are just jokes on the purchaser.

The adult poetry workshop where you drink a glass of wine and transcribe "The Tiger" by Nael, age 6, then take it home and show it to your parents.

Trying to look at the thumb tips your friends are going on about.

Braving Omicron to buy a thumb tip.

Hypnotizing a napkin.

A magic trick where you make a rubber band disappear, but only for yourself.

Aging two years while dead.

Whether Nethack's difficulty curve is better than D&D's.

A weird combination of spells that is broken in a non-numerical way.

What the wizard did when the spaghetti-os were on too high a shelf to reach.

Letting the players fight Thor even though you know they'll figure out a way to kill Thor.

Thor swinging his hammer and killing you without having to roll any dice because Thor doesn't have stats.

The Dying Earth series by Jack Vance.

Godlike wizards feuding over who took the leftovers out of the office fridge because they ran out of real problems to solve.

The Dying Earth series by Jack Vance, except with football.

That Insidious Beast by Zack Parsons.

Instructions for a fruit.

There is no Antimemetics Division, by qntm.

Counterfeit Monkey by Emily Short.

Sean Connery in a red diaperkini.

The big head that floats around and vomits guns and explains how guns are better than penes.

When they invented the concept of copies of movies.

Your deal with the devil where if you fail to make Lord of the Rings you have to make Zardoz, but you succeed you get to make King Kong.

Scantily clad rocket people.

Barbarella lying in a thumb harp being yelled at by a dude wearing a Dalek and reading from a piano roll.

Learning how to draw by looking at promotional shots from Barbarella.

Mario fanfiction through the lens of Cyberpunk.

Whether they have sarcasm in Japan.

Tom Nook slapping his own nipples for ten hours.

Support Topic Lords

...more

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