We watched 13 Ghosts on HBOMAX and it was exactly what I thought it would be, which is Ghost Ship meets Event Horizon with a side order of Wrong Turn.

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13 Ghosts is a movie about a ghost collector who leaves his massive house to his distant relative family, who think they are getting a sweet deal. 

What they end up getting is royally fucked by a house that is full of a bunch of ghosts. 

The house is made to trap them and do some sick twisted stuff, but luckily Matthew Lillard is here to shed some light on this quandary. Matthew explains that he is a ghost feeler, and regularly touches ghosts. He helped their uncle collect all these ghosts, and he feels bad or something and wants to help them. 

The house has other plans and wacky hijinks ensue.

13 Ghosts is no doubt remembered fondly by a bunch of old zoomers and young millennials who were impressionable whilst watching this but let me assure you, it’s fucked. 

This was directed by Steve Beck, who directed Ghost Ship in 2002, one year after this film. Interestingly, before directing 13 Ghosts, Steve had only directed commercials, and after he directed Ghost Ship which is basically a reskinning of 13 Ghosts he never directed again. This is a good thing.

13 Ghosts is jumpcuts and loud noises mixed with edgy, barely explained lore mixed with dog shit. All of this could be excusable if it was fun or interesting or funny, but it’s none of those things.

It takes a 42 million dollar budget and wastes it on the dumbest set-pieces you can possibly imagine. As a result, it feels expensive but not in a good way – in an animal print on furniture way.

The acting is hammy, the actors are bad, the premise is shockingly thin, and the scares are undermined by jump cuts and ghost vision glasses.

I’m sorry if you love 13 Ghosts but everyone has different tastes, and this just is not for me. If you love this, please keep loving it.

Watch on Amazon

3/10

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