After the events of FNAF 1, Mike and his not girlfriend Vanessa struggle to move on. Mike, taking a parental role over his sister Abby, constantly worries about her connection to undead animatronics, and Vanessa continues to be plagued by nightmares of her father, William Afton. When dark forces begin to beckon Abby to the original Freddy Fazbear’s location, Mike must confront Vannessa, who is still holding onto secrets from the past. 

Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 is almost indistinguishable from the first film in my eyes. Yes, I know the stories are technically different, but the viewing experience is the same. The movie is packed full of winks and nods specifically designed to make a fan of the Five Nights at Freddy’s game say, “Hey, I know what that is!” However, to the average person with limited FNAF lore, it doesn’t quite hit the same. When my theater erupted into applause as some YouTuber made a cameo, I was left wondering, “Who the hell is that guy?” The acting feels like both Josh Hutcherson and Elizabeth Lail just couldn’t fully get into their characters, which is a shame because I think they both do a great job in other films. The one person really bringing their A game is Matthew Lillard, who seems to have never phoned in a performance in his life. And if you’re a fan of Scream, technically, we got both the original killers in this movie. FNAF is a movie made for kids who already like FNAF. For adults who are not nostalgic for the games, there is not much to get out of these movies. 

Score 3/10

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Today we review The Blob! No not my midsection, the movie from the 80’s!

A mysterious space object falls to earth in the sleepy mountain town of Arborville, CA. When a dirty hobo, I’m sorry, unwashed unhoused individual, stumbles upon the resulting crater, he is attacked by a formless gelatinous substance. When the town’s cliché love triangle finds him, the Football player, cheerleader, and motorcycle bad boy take the filthy degenerate, sorry cleanliness-divergent individual experiencing homelessness, to the hospital.

There the gelatinous substance quickly consumes several townspeople and becomes, you guessed it, THE GLOB!

The Blob is one of those movies that I watch and truly don’t understand why it’s not lauded more. With a disrespectful 69% on rotten tomatoes, people may not realize that this is a well crafted monster tale that rivals The Thing and Tremors. 

Director Chuck Russell and the young Frank Darabond, who had just come off a successful collaboration A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, show their skill here. The plot features an impressive number of satisfying setups and payoff throughout. There is an excellent mixture of action, horror, and humor throughout that should satisfy fans of any of those genres.

The most impressive feature of the film is the practical effects that convincingly portray a formless blob as a real menace. Where the original 50s blob looked like strawberry jelly mashed through miniatures and settling in stationary positions, this 80s incarnation whips out tentacles, surrounds, and digests people with alarming speed. The intention of Russel and Darabond was to portray the blob as an inside out stomach, consuming all it touches, and they convincingly created it through a variety of stop motion, puppetry, and miniature work.

It’s a corny monster premise, somehow made actually terrifying by showing, not telling what the monster can do.

It’s not deep, but it’s a lot of fun.

10/10

Justine is a young college student with a big heart. After learning about the horrors of female genital mutilation in foreign countries, she becomes interested in joining a local group of activists. While working with the group to stop deforestation in the Amazon, their airplane crash-lands deep in the forest. Which would be bad enough on its own. However, this forest just so happens to be home to cannibalistic natives who quickly capture the very people who came to protect them.

The Green Inferno is a shocking and disgusting movie. As an homage to Cannibal Holocaust, Eli Roth makes sure to stuff The Green Inferno with plenty of over-the-top kills filled to the brim with blood, guts, and eyeballs. While the first viewing of this movie left me feeling depressed and hollow, years later, on my third watch, some of the horror magic has become somewhat juvenile and silly to me. It’s still enjoyable to watch, but I can’t help but roll my eyes a bit at the way the tribe is depicted as the most evil, bloodthirsty killers imaginable. Such a portrayal might even spark questions as to whether it’s even okay to depict tribal natives as savages in such a crude way; however, learning more about how this movie was filmed kind of brings everything back around to being wholesome fun for me. The cannibals in this movie are played by an actual tribe in the Amazon who apparently had a blast making it. At the end of the day, this is a gross movie that can be scary at times, but is often just a little goofy.

Score 6/10

After nearly a year of dating, lovebirds Liz and Malcom drive to Malcom’s family cabin for a little getaway. Liz immediately begins to pick up on some strange vibes, both from the cabin and Malcom. Something is definitely off, but at least there is chocolate cake. As Liz learns more about Malcom, she is bombarded by visions of dead women, creepy ghouls, and severed heads. All of this in the name of love, maybe it would have been better to stay single after all.

Keeper’s trailer keeps things pretty ambiguous, and so I had very little knowledge of this film before going in. All I could gather was that this movie was about a woman on a trip with her boyfriend, who is kind of creepy. And honestly, that’s what we get from this movie for the entirety of Act 1 and Act 2. Liz is just mildly bothered by her boyfriend acting strangely, but other than that, there isn’t much to say about it. The director Osgood Perkins is currently making a name for himself with movies like The Blackcoat’s Daughter and Longlegs, but Keeper seems to be something else. While there are mixed reviews for Longlegs (some loving it and others finding it weird and cheesy), what we can all agree on is that Longlegs had some very interesting concepts that make the movie worth checking out. Unfortunately for Keeper, there really just isn’t anything all that interesting about it. It’s a cabin in the woods story, with a domineering, creepy man, and a seemingly helpless yet feisty female protagonist. It almost doesn’t get more cliche than that. I will say that Act Three opens the movie up a little bit more, and the creepy visuals and monster designs were quite scary-looking. But that doesn’t make up for the movie being kind of bland most of the time. Even when it ends up doing something kind of good, the story is still borderline nonsensical. 

Score 3/10

Honestly if you don’t know what Frankenstein is about, I don’t know why you’re listening to a horror movie podcast.

I heard a lot of mixed reviews about this, but I tried to stay away from as many spoilers as possible, as if this story could really be spoiled. Del Toro does add some new elements to the classic tale, some might say maybe too many new elements. Some might say that. I’m not saying it. But some might. It is kind of long.

This movie is beautifully shot, albeit sometimes you can tell it was Made For Streaming (cough cough why is the sunlight in my face cough cough), but for the most part it’s colorful, playful, and imaginative, with backdrops and settings that match the incredible costumes. Mia Goth looks ethereal in all of her elaborate gowns, veils, and feathers. Her wedding dress deserves its own moment of silence. The bandaged look around her arms? So major. The costumes tell their own stories, and they do a wonderful job at that.

Oscar Isaac gets hotter every time I see him in a movie. Don’t know how he manages that but he manages it well. Even though he’s pretty evil in this he still looks good.

Jacob Elordi does an amazing job as the Creature, he proves himself time and time again, with physical and emotional acting. He captivates and intrigues. He shines.The story is good, it is a bit hammed up at times and Del Toro is quite heavy handed; so much so that it feels like being hit in the head with a hammer. Yes, I understand the story you’re trying to tell Mr. Del Toro, thank you for making sure I do. Also not a big fan of the narration aspect, don’t think it added much to the story. I really could have done without the Danish sailors in their entirety and this would have been a lot better.

Christoph Waltz was a pleasant surprise, although his character has little to no narrative impact. I always enjoy seeing him on screen but I felt as though he was a little pointless.

All in all I really had a good time watching this. It’s compelling, emotional, gorgeous, and thrilling. And God Damn You Netflix For A Limited Theatrical Release.

8/10

While a shooting a low budget zombie movie the crew is attacked by a real life zombie. Instead of running away, the director takes advantage of the windfall and keeps putting his cast in harms way to get his shots. And then the rest of the movie happens.

I’m struggling with how much I should spoil an 8 year old movie, but I’ll just say this is a bait and switch done masterfully well. I’ve seen movies that start as a comedy, and end up being a horror comedy, and movies that start out as a horror movie and end up as a horror comedy, but this is the first I’ve seen that starts out as 100% a zombie movie, and then transitions into a 100% comedy.

I was pleasantly surprised, because the horror movie was pretty bad, and when it transitioned to a comedy movie, it was so much more interesting and competently shot. It actually made me respect the filmmakers all the more that they could be convincing as both good and terrible at the same time.

This is less of a horror movie, and more of a celebration of B-filmmaking. As a result, it ends up being an ode to all the reasons why people love low budget zombie movies. The quick and dirty storytelling, the fun action, the over the top special effects, and the ingenuity displayed in the filmmaking.

Mostly, I’m just glad that I didn’t have to watch the opening horror movie for an entire hour and 40 minutes

9/10

This episode is soaked in an intense amount of hater-ade, due to Bryce hating Chris Stuckmann for no real reason.

Shelby Oaks is written and directed by Chris Stuckmann, the movie reviewer you get recommended if you don’t sign into YouTube. the film is about a woman’s search for her missing sister who was a (hold onto your hat) Vlogging celebrity. The mystery of the disappearance is unraveled through a series of horror tropes and clichés where it is revealed at the end that everyone got Stuckmannized.

I’ve got to admit, I really didn’t want to like this movie going into the theater. There’s something about a crowd sourced movie by one of the most milquetoast, non-committal YouTube movie reviewers getting a wide release that just makes me feel like I’m living in a dystopian reality. However, I was pleasantly surprised that Shelby Oaks was actually a pretty bad movie.

This is exactly the type of movie that I would expect from a milquetoast non-committal YouTube movie reviewer. Its narrative style goes from found footage and documentary in the opening sequences and then just kind of abandons ship and proceeds to just be a normal Hollywood horror film. The same lack of decision making is demonstrated through a variety of plot devices that cover numerous horror tropes to explain the disappearance. Was it a stalking killer, a demon, a cult ritual killing, maybe just scary ghosts? Stuckmann clicks yes on all of them and proceeds to make a pretty derivative, boring horror movie.

The most egregious part of the film was what led to most of my enjoyment. No not enjoyment, schadenfreude. I’m talking about the bizarre production and directing choices that broke any semblance of suspension of disbelief and had me constantly asking if I was being Stuckmannized. There were so many unintentionally funny moments in this movie that had me wondering if Stuckmann knew how time worked or if he took into account how humans behave in reality. Also, the film completely shoots itself in the foot with a plot that reveals way too much too early for trying to rely on mystery to be its hook. I’ll get into my nitpicks in the spoilers section, but suffice it to say that I was chuckling at the movies expense several times throughout.

This isn’t to say that there weren’t good parts. the film is a patchwork of tried and true suspense techniques that are visually executed as good as most horror movies. The acting is fine, although there isn’t much to work with in terms of character development or motivation outside of what is implied through familial relations.

Anyway it sucked.

3/10

Several years after the events of the original black phone movie, Finny and his sister Gwen are still haunted by the past. Finn is angry and aggressive with the people around him, and Gwen consistently receives terrifying visions when dreaming. As Gwen’s nightmares lead her to a Christian youth camp her mother used to work at, Finn is forced to tag along while they look around for spooky clues like in scooby doo. Due to a snowstorm, Finn, Gwen, and Gwen’s totally not boyfriend Ernesto find themselves trapped in the campgrounds, and things quickly turn sour as the paranormal activity ramps up. Is the grabber really gone? And why were they led to this campsite? For answers to these questions and more, go watch the film or continue this review.

I find Black Phone 2 to be a much more memorable film than Black Phone 1. The frozen mountain scene gives the film a feeling of isolation and hopelessness. Because the Grabber died in the first movie, Black Phone 2 is able to dive deeper into the supernatural side of the story, which I believe works a lot better for the franchise. The Grabber’s already devilish look is taken to an even darker level, given that he is now basically a literal demon. Much of the tension in the movie comes from the dreams that Gwen has. The mood of the scene dramatically shifts every time she falls asleep. I think these scenes are well done, and while it might be blasphemous to say, it reminded me a lot of The Nightmare on Elm Street movies. However, the movie really suffers from some pretty surface-level dialogue that ends up being incredibly cringy at times. In my opinion, it is not necessary for the protagonist of the movie to say a vulgar, witty quip in every scene. An actual line in this movie is, “fuck you with a dinosaur dick”. Said in a pretty tense and serious scene, by the way. It doesn’t feel true to life, and neither do many of the characters. Highlights of the cast were Demián Bichir as Armando, the owner of the camp, as well as Mason Thames as Finney Blake, who gives a powerfully emotional monologue towards the end. I had some fun watching this movie, but it isn’t something I would rush to the theater to see.
Score 6/10

This film follows Jane, a lonely librarian who finds a note at her desk with her name on it and a $50 bill, instructing her to play the game. She is helped by Brace, a new friend, in solving the puzzles and getting double the money every time she finds a new envelope. Jane and Brace quickly find out that she is playing a very dangerous game. Her strength, fortitude, and sanity are strained as she finds out just how far she’ll go for the cash, and the thrill.

I found this movie because of some tweet that had a few hundred likes saying it was some sort of hidden gem. I looked it up and could not find much about it, save a couple articles and Letterboxd reviews. I found a rip of it on Youtube through a Reddit post and told the guys, hey this is the movie we’re gonna do this week. It was shot on video, never had a wide release or any sort of release at all. It was made by writer-director Clifton Holmes, along with his brother Dwayne producing, and co-written by Richard Laymon, the author of the book this film is based on. From an article on steemit.com, user modernzorker states that the film is incomplete, not in editing or shooting but in ADR and sound mixing, apparently all the sound we hear was the live recordings of each scene. 

With all that said, I loved this film. I love finding horror that is so underground that even though this movie was posted for free on Youtube eight years ago, it only has 12k views. It has 1.6k watches on Letterboxd. It basically doesn’t exist. While you’re watching it, you feel like it shouldn’t exist.

I don’t say that to mean it is a so-called ‘cursed’ film, like the movie Antrum claims to be. I mean that it probably shouldn’t exist, and it almost doesn’t. The only way to watch it is in 240p on Youtube or buy a DVD rip of it from some dude on eBay claiming he’s the only one who sells them (and yes, listener, I did buy it for nine Great British pounds). It basically isn’t real. 

It’s hard to watch in 240p, I was begging for at least 480 but you get what you get when you wanna watch something like this. The low quality adds to the uneasiness and uncertainty of the film’s vibe, but at some points it just sucks not being able to discern what is happening, mostly when they are shooting at night.

All the lore aside, this film is excellent. It reminds me of Blair Witch and Clerks in the way it is shot. With a limited budget, we only see the aftermath of gore instead of the action happening, which I think works in its favor. You feel the dread alongside Jane, but she also is a very unflinching, dedicated protagonist. She is brave, and you know that she is from the start.

There’s almost no music in this movie, save for a few moments of characters listening to music, and every time we see our antagonist a crescendo of guitars rises to the front. The only other time we hear sound other than voices is when Jane is playing Silent Hill on her PlayStation, we hear the footsteps of Harry Mason running through the endless fog.

This film is creepy, wacky, captivating, and so much more fun knowing that you’re probably one of the only people in your generation to ever have watched this. It was such a treat and tonally great for spooky season. It’s slow at first, but as the tension builds it just goes off the rails in the best possible ways. It’s a crazy movie. Look up (aka click here) Richard Laymon’s In The Dark on Youtube to watch it, you will not regret it.

10/10

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