A mere eleven months after our previous descent into erotic millionaires gallivant-ing around, we're back to the grindstone with our review of Fifty Shades Freed! Now that Ana has married hunky but troubled Christian, they're just gonna bone all day every day in their sex dungeon forever with no repercussions, right? But other handsome people have their own ideas! Smallville-alum Eric Johnson (Lana's meathead boyfriend) wants revenge on Christian and Ana! Because they ruined his career after he attempted sexual assault? No, a much dumber reason!

Join us as we get progressively madder at action-interrupting ski lodge visits, wonder at the very obvious storylines for G-list characters cut down to single lines, and struggle to keep track of who is who in a movie composed entirely of blandly attractive people with no interesting traits.