Episode 18:  Grief vs. Depression

Grief:

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem, where you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   

Ok, so I know we’re now into some really heavy, difficult times in our country and in our world.  There’s lots of things going on – we have the pandemic, we have partial lockdowns and closures, we have major unemployment issues, nearly half of small businesses are in danger of shutting down permanently.  We have escalating tensions with Xi Jinping’s government in China and the possibility of the cold war with China turning hot.   We now have riots and looting over the tragic death of George Floyd while under arrest by a Minneapolis police officer, we have very flawed and contentious politicians battling with each other in petty ways in an election year, we have growing revelations of corruption by current and former government officials and bureaucrats. There is a growing lack of confidence in our government, our news media and in our secular and religious institutions.  

None of these factors changes the basic Gospel message.  None of them.  None of them can keep us from psychological and spiritual growth, unless we let ourselves be kept down.  We need to rise up, we need to go beyond mere resiliency, to become even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  

I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 18, entitled “Grief vs. Depression” released on June 1, 2020. 

Today, we’re going to really dive into the difference between grief and depression, and to illustrate the difference between grief and depression, we’ll be looking at five people from the Scriptures.

First, though, I want to offer a big Thank you to all the Resilient Catholics: Carpe Diem community members who came to our first ever Zoom meeting last Friday evening.  We had a great conversation on unacknowledged or hidden grief.  It was very good for us to get to know each other better and for us to connect and to be in relationship with one another.  Thank you for praying for me, and know that I am praying for you.  

So some of you may be asking, Dr. Peter, why, why is it important to know the difference between grief and depression – both of them feel bad, and we want to feel better.  So why bother with the difference?  

Normal Grief

Waves or intense pages of painful emotion associated with the loss, which gradually soften and diminish over time. 
Emptiness and loss – something is missing -- but also there are moments of happiness, joy.   
Self-esteem generally remains intact.  If there is self-criticism, it tends to be focused on perceived shortcomings about the loss (I should have visited my Mom more often before she died, I should have told her I loved her).
Relational connections remain intact.  Able to give and receive in relationships, and can be consoled.  
Ruminating on what or who was lost; Hope remains.  Since of life going on.  
Thoughts of death and dying focused on the lost person and perhaps reconnecting  with the loved one in heaven.  Some loss of desire to live on, but not overt wishes or impulses toward suicide. 
Distress, sadness activated by memories or reminders of the loss.   

Clinical Depression 

Sadness, distress experienced continually over time
Ongoing depressed mood with anhedonia – unable to enjoy good things
Feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, with self-criticism.  Critical toward self, feelings of worthlessness, and self-loathing.  This is much more general.  May involve significant shame.  
Emotional withdrawal from others – perhaps with avoidance.  Could be a physical withdrawal as well.  Difficulty being consoled
Self-critical or pessimistic thoughts; tendency toward a loss of hope.  
Suicidal thoughts related to feelings of being unworthy of life, or of not wanting to live anymore.  Suicide considered an escape from unbearable pain with no other answers.  
Depressed mood is not tied to specific thoughts or preoccupations

Let's flesh this out with examples of grief vs. clinical depression from Scripture:

Abraham’s Grief

Genesis 23: Sarah’s Death and Burial

23 Sarah lived one hundred twenty-seven years; this was the length of Sarah’s life. 2 And Sarah died at Kiriath-arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan; and Abraham went in to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her. 3 Abraham rose up from beside his dead, and said to the Hittites, 4 “I am a stranger and an alien residing among you; give me property among you for a burying place, so that I may bury my dead out of my sight.”

David is one of the most expressive men in the Bible.  

David’s Grief:

2 Samuel 1

Saul and Jonathan, beloved and lovely!
     In life and in death they were not divided;
 they were swifter than eagles,
     they were stronger than lions.

24 O daughters of Israel, weep over Saul,
     who clothed you with crimson, in luxury,
     who put ornaments of gold on your apparel.

25 How the mighty have fallen
     in the midst of the battle!

Jonathan lies slain upon your high places.
 26     I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
 greatly beloved were you to me;
     your love to me was wonderful,

David’s Depression

Psalm 38

O Lord, rebuke me not in thy anger,
     nor chasten me in thy wrath!
 2 For thy arrows have sunk into me,
     and thy hand has come down on me.

3 There is no soundness in my flesh
     because of thy indignation;
 there is no health in my bones
     because of my sin.
 4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;
     they weigh like a burden too heavy for me.

5 My wounds grow foul and fester
     because of my foolishness,
 6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
     all the day I go about mourning.
 7 For my loins are filled with burning,
     and there is no soundness in my flesh.
 8 I am utterly spent and crushed;
     I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

13 But I am like a deaf man, I do not hear,
     like a dumb man who does not open his mouth.
 14 Yea, I am like a man who does not hear,
     and in whose mouth are no rebukes..

21 Do not forsake me, O Lord!
     O my God, be not far from me!
 22 Make haste to help me,
     O Lord, my salvation!

Elijah

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