As you get older and start losing your vision, it doesn't become any less important to continue keeping up with good vag-scaping habits. Just because you can't see your bush, doesn't mean it doesn't require some regular grooming and upkeep. You can go out and get yourself a good bush-trimmer with all the accoutrements...or you can take your chances with some unscrupulous young lady from Craig's List. Just don't be surprised if she carves a pentagram in your bush and dyes it blue.

When we invite them into our homes, our dogs become part of our family. Or, maybe we really become part of their pack. They share their lives with us, they show us unconditional love and they are loyal to the end. So, when a dog passes over we feel that we've lost a little piece of ourselves in the process. Not so for cats....just kidding, Lesbians!

Sometimes you just want to kick back and enjoy a good movie. You want to sit in the movie theater, relax and enjoy some passive entertainment. It's all good until you realize the move is subtitled and you have to work at reading the movie instead of watching it. If I wanted to read the book...I would have stayed at home. Then the sex scene starts....

Family traditions are a beautiful part of celebrating the holidays. These are the moments that create memories that will live on forever as part of your family heritage. The only reason that family traditions carry on is because the holidays come around only once a year. It takes an entire year to recover from the shock, the anger and the stress that occurs when all the carefully laid plans breakdown, somebody gets pissed off, somebody has a meltdown, and more than one person winds up needing a change of clothes. Happy Holidays.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, it's time to kick off the holiday season in style. It's time to sit in front of your computer to type that annual holiday letter to all your friends, family and people you care about to tell them what you've been up to all year long. Of course if you really gave a shit about them you might have actually picked up the phone once or twice throughout the year instead of contacting them once a year with some ridiculous form letter that nobody wants to read anyway.

Mommy and Me classes used to be a nice safe place to bring your babies and toddlers. You could relax in the company of other moms and their kids while you learned new things about having children and raising a family. It was a protected space where you knew nothing would go wrong and you would have to worry about anything. And then one day...the Lesbian showed up.

There really is a place where it doesn't matter which ethnic background you come from, which religion you are, your gender or your sexual orientation. Try calling a government office to make an appointment and everyone from any walk of life will suffer equally. You'll be stuck in a voice telephone system that's impossible to navigate and then after waiting on hold for hours, you'll be disconnected as soon as someone comes on the line. Equality for all.

Lesson learned. Buy American and you won't have to worry about importing all kinds of foreign bugs and larva that will burrow into your skin and erupt with millions of babies that you now have to raise and take care of as your own. One baby is just plenty.

When the Gaybee of the neighborhood wants to go trick or treating on Halloween, the neighbors better not have anything to say about the Gaybee coming to their door twice for candy. Not unless they want the Lesbian Mom to pull out a can of Dyke-Ass on them. And...nobody better have anything to say about Superman wearing a diaper.

Pedophiles have become very clever in the means they use to try and lure kids away. That's why it's important for your kids to have a safe word they can use with a stranger that approaches to offer them a ride or some candy. The only parents that don't need to worry when a stranger comes up to their kid and says, "Your mom asked me to pick you up from school today" is the kid with two Gay Dads.