It's not that Lesbians don't like Martha Stewart. We enjoy a nice afternoon of crafting as much as the straight girls next door. It's just that "crafting" for Lesbians includes putting up shelves, building a new addition on the house, and installing a pergola and a fire pit in the backyard. "Dykes on a Dyme" will show you how at: youtube.com/dykesonadyme.

Smart phones in the hands of stupid people - it's either an oxymoron or just a really bad idea. Before anyone is allowed to leave the Verizon store with a new phone they should be forced to take an IQ test and then be mandated to download, and register for, the Common Sense App. If you refuse to take the test, then you get a Blackberry instead.

Conventional wisdom says that you should never pay for your whores with your credit card. Not only does it leave a tell-tale paper trail, but you also run the risk of your wife finding out about all your extracurricular activities. Then again, you're missing all those frequent flyer miles and rewards points you could be accruing with all those expensive purchases. It might be a worthwhile trade-off.

One of the most altruistic gestures a human being can do is to donate their organs to another person when they die. Why should fake boobs be any different? There must be some needy, flat-chested young lady that can't afford fake boobs by herself. You could change her life forever by allowing her to take over your boobs once you're gone. Besides, the coffin isn't going to close if you leave them in.

The Affordable Care Act is a wonderful thing. No longer do you have to walk around with a mole the size of a quarter on your face, just waiting for it to turn into a cancerous mass. Instead you can choose to groom the hairs coming out the mole and style it in the theme of the nearest holiday. Who doesn't look good with mole hairs dyed green for St. Patty's Day?

When you were a little child your parents thought your were The Gift. You were the perfect child, you could do no wrong and you could get away with anything. Now that the Grandkid has come along, you've been regifted. The only reason you're invited on family vacations now is so that you can bring the New Gift...and to do the cooking.

Being a parent is like being abducted by aliens. You have lapses of time that you just can't account for and you're not at all sure what's happened during that time. One minute you were all packed and ready to to go somewhere, and the next thing you know it's an hour later and the baby has vomited all over himself while you're on the freeway in rush hour traffic in the car pool lane. You don't really have an explanation for all the lost time, but you can't guarantee you weren't anal probed either.

Cigarettes are not addictive. Tell that to you mother who is recovering from nose reconstruction surgery and needs a cigarette so bad that she tapes her glasses to her forehead and drives her car to the farthest 7-11 she can find so that she can pick up a pack of cigarettes without any of the regulars at the store seeing her with raccoon eyes.

Just as Batman has a Batmobile, MILF's need to have a MILF mobile. The only problem is that MILF mobile has to go when the kids come along...unless you have a few hot au pairs that drive your kids around in the Range Rover with the car seats while you head down to West Hollywood in your convertible. All this happens while the wife is at work...of course.

It might be worth it to go to a restaurant you're not terribly fond of to each cubed meats and vegetables if you were able to grill your wife's friend about her sex life when she was married to a Gay man. Hell, it might even be worth paying for the whole dinner. Suddenly, iceberg lettuce with strange orange salad dressing got a whole lot more interesting.