Next time you think about getting up out of your airline seat to check your luggage before the plane comes to a complete stop, you may want to reconsider. You never know when the gentle, smiling flight attendant will decide it's time to go out in a ball of flames after 28 years by calling you a nasty name over the PA system, grabbing a couple of beers and hurling himself out of the plane on the emergency slide.

How surprised were you the first time you had sex with your wife when you found out she wasn't really a virgin after all? Now you can relive that special moment with your one and only with the replacement hymen operation. If that seems like too much trouble to go through, then you can simply order a hymen replacement kit online. Capsule of fake blood included with every order.

So rare is the partner that will take it upon herself to go back to the store she hates more than anyplace else on earth to return an item to get a replacement while you sit out in the parking lot rocking out to the car radio watching all the young hotties walk by with their tramp stamps and moose knuckles hanging out. Instead of bringing it up on a podcast, you might be better served to simply keep your mouth shut and just say "thank you".

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do a good deed by helping out animals without a home. You can visit your local shelter and adopt all kinds of needy pets. It only becomes a problem when you think you have only a few pets numbering around 150, but it really turns out that you have over 250 feral beasts running around your home crapping on the carpet.

One thing is the absolute truth. Lesbians like to be comfortable. That's why our favorite summer outfit consists of cargo shorts, a t-shirt and some nice comfortable Lesbian sandals. The only puzzling thing is why straight men enjoy wearing the exact same outfit. It's really hard to say who thought of it first and who is just copying the other.

Now that we're older we look at young Lesbians clandestinely holding hands at the theater trying to steal a sweet moment in a crowded area, hoping that their friends don't see that they're really having sex together every instant they can steal away. Instead of being supportive and respectful, all we can do is stare and forget that we did exactly the same things when we were younger...and thought nobody was watching.

It was an amazing day in Gay history as the proposition to ban Gay marriage in California was deemed unconstitutional by a US chief district judge. Although that's great news, it doesn't mean that it's time to trade in your U-Haul for a wedding ceremony. Just because she touches you down there in a way you've never felt before...it doesn't mean you've just found your soulmate. Trust us...

It's been said that some of the most successful entrepreneurs started their businesses in times of a recession. All it takes is some out of the box thinking. If we can have Harry Potter jelly beans that sometimes taste like vomit, why can't we have a "scratch and sniff" vagina candy that most of the time tastes delicious, but then every once in a while you get the one that tastes like vaginosis? Why not?

Before you get into a new relationship, you may want to take a look at the new prospect's track record with breakups. It's not about how many breakups they've had, but more about how they behave during a breakup. You don't want to be the subject of the next Eminem song with all your blubbering voicemail messages crafted into the next hit song making it to the top of the charts on the radio.

There is absolutely no need to worry about the possibility of marijuana becoming legalized in the United States. Legalization has about as much chance of getting passed as Gay marriage in California. It's not because people aren't supportive. It's just that the people that would support the ballot initiative will forget to actually get out to vote on election day.