As Lesbians, we feel that it's our birthright to demand...and get...good, hard-rocking Melissa Etheridge songs. We'll do whatever it takes to get Melissa into that angry, depressed place that all those good songs come from. We'll even take the time to slip some lacy g-string underwear laced with perfume into Tammy's car if that's what's required.

A special hand-picked card from the grocery store, $2.95. Gas to drive home early from work, $4.00. A romantic dinner at the pizza place down the street, $16. The sincere look of love and appreciation in my soul-mate's eyes when she unwraps a video game for Valentine's day...priceless. Ad on Craig's List to get a new girlfriend, free.

It's election time in the States. This year, get out and make your vote count (unlike Roxanne's). It gives you the right to go out and bitch about everything you don't like.

The days of using Chapstick as lipstick and hanging around the Rite-Aid counter waiting for someone to help you learn how to apply makeup are over. Roxanne tells all as she explains how she learned to put on makeup and primp like a girl. So, tuck in that t-shirt, put on a belt and find out how to become an instant femme.

When you go out on a little shopping excursion, the last thing you expect to see is a minefield of dog crap throughout the store. It's the quickest way to turn a delightful afternoon into a skid mark hazard with the potential for a deadly slip and fall.

People are dirty, filthy pigs. They go to the bathroom to take a crap, they don't wash their hands, they bake cakes and make food for potlucks, and then they bring it in to work to share with their co-workers. All the while they're busy spreading around infectious diseases and handing out viruses like it's candy.

We take a departure from our normal routine to save the world from from tripping out at work and growing ox balls because you bought the wrong energy drink. We've done all the hard work for you and wound up staying up all night as a result, so that you don't have to waste your hard-earned two dollars and fifty cents on something that looks, tastes and smells like piss.

A little nip here... a little tuck there. With the miracle of modern medicine we'll soon be able to live in a time where you can pick out a picture from a book in a doctor's office and leave with Lindsay Lohan's va-jay-jay as your very own.

With the Hollywood writers stike in full effect, there's no better way to fill up all that dead TV air time than to take a bunch of D-list celebrities, throw them into rehab and point a camera at them. Don't forget the gallon sized Ziploc bags.

After a double dose of PMS, we're back with something we're really good at...advice! If there is one thing that is absolutely certain in this life, it's that we have an opinion about everything. We're also happy to share it...whether you asked for it or not.