Adam and Taylor aren't convinced that Virginia is for anything, Jason murders his 1-on-1 date and not in a way that requires any cleanup, Chris and Lincoln take a televised suicide pact, comedy is the most human of the arts forms, Leo deserves better than this and it seems like it's been too long since we talked about Heavyweights.

Adam and Taylor break down at the end of the end of the road, David is a guy who falls out of the bed and that's just who he is, Colton's virginity takes a road trip through Nevada for a pretty weak joke, Jordan is a winner and a loser at the same time and Chris commits suicide by hubris.

Editor's note: Adam blatantly misrepresented the Celsius/Fahrenheit conversion, it's hard.

Adam and Emily will never watch this season the same again after realizing that Nick has been dead the whole time, David's face takes a quick right turn, Becca burrows into the outer layers of Garrett's DNA, Lincoln doesn't believe in gravity or a spherical Earth, Becca can't tell that Wills is asleep and the people want fresh produce in Paradise.

Adam and Taylor are the only two people who get to the end of this episode without visiting the hospital, the Colton/Tia timeline is like the end of Inception, Jordan swiped a mathematically impossible number of women, Richard Marx does Becca and Chris some musical favors and we finally get to see the guys play sports.

Adam and Taylor put on their athletic clothes and stretch out for some sporty early-season Bachelorette group dates, these producers will do anything they can to keep Becca off television, Blake breadballs his way into a rose, Leo's 15 minutes of fame are way more enjoyable than everyone else's, Wills jackets his way to the front and it's fine to hate Jordan, everyone else does.

Jordan's made up word is pronounced "in-jen-you-IN-i-ty."

Joe on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/joeamabile1/

Lincoln's terrible bathroom habit - https://www.lifeandstylemag.com/posts/lincoln-from-the-bachelorette-156336

Adam and Taylor imagine ways to make Becca's season something worth watching, everyone is getting robbed this season, the guys are actually good for once, Joe could water Taylor's melons (if you know what I mean), Blake wants this love to goat on forever and there's a really good chance Becca is already married to Garrett, don'tcha know?

For the record, it's haberdasher.

Arie's interview with GQ: https://www.gq.com/story/the-bachelor-arie-luyendyk-jr-profile

Adam and Taylor watch a reality train wreck uncut, unedited and in extended slow motion, Arie takes a chance on love but doesn't take a chance that Becca will murder him when the cameras are off, Chris Harrison wants to remind you that this is a new low for us all and Lauren B doesn't have much to say about it all.

Vulture's genius: http://www.vulture.com/2018/03/the-bachelor-season-22-lauren-b-never-talks.html

Lauren's Text Analysis: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1AsQPz2w5hbgVAxruROUdQ8RyNi73XROWECmUWQTksgQ/edit?usp=sharing

Adam and Taylor can't get over how weird Kendall is, Arie can only be in love with transportation, Lauren B cannot be resuscitated, Becca's fantasy suite would be ideal for a boy scout campout and something called Ross doesn't know how to buy a suit.

Adam and Taylor keep up with the Kardashians, Kendall taxiderms as well as anyone with one operational eye, Tia's family can't afford a longer description, Taylor loves ketchup, Becca's family is nice but ain't got no alibi and Lauren's whole family smells like formaldehyde.

Editor's Note: Taylor doesn't know what happens at the end of The Beverly Hillbillies movie.

Owen Wilson is wowed by skiing - https://www.facebook.com/NBCSports/videos/10157183392375329/

Adam and Taylor judge people a lot more Olympically, Arie and Becca walk around Pisa and lean on stuff, if a bear saw Lauren in the woods, she'd survive because of her presumed deadness, bikes aren't a good date idea after your teenage years, Kendall is unviewable when naked and Tia picks the right time to forgo her percent.

Nate Silver on the Bachelor and Bachelorette: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-bachelorette/

Where's the Bathroom? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJg1zRgkbno