40 Is Coming

Between The Olympics and the 60+ national elections being held around the world, we're in a fascinating moment to observe endless case studies in human behavior when people are in crowds.

Since I was young, I've been interested in this aspect of life. What is the difference between the kind of people who start chorus of cheers or lead a crowd in a protest chant, and the kind of people who are the last to finish clapping at the end of standing ovation or the last person to throw a punch in a street brawl.

Humans are social, tribal beings. So we are still being influenced by others, and influencing others, far beyond our youth. Peer pressure doesn't end when we leave school.

At this point in your life, in what areas are you the "first clapper", leading the group; the "last clapper", joining at the last minute or with the last word; or the "middle clapper", not in a hurry to join the masses, but ready to engage when the timing feels right.


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I've been thinking about the cliche phrase "Get Off My Lawn" a lot recently. It's one of the timeless anthems of middle and old age. The point when people feel like they've lived long enough and paid enough dues in a society to claim some ownership of its "lawn" - the social norms, values, and standards of the society, which we begin to take responsibility for around 40.

One of the true gifts of youth is the privilege to dissent, to debate, and sometimes, to disobey the very people and institutions you depend on for your survival and development. Part of the work of child development and human maturity is not just to identify the literal and metaphorical lawns of the society around them and "touch grass", but to pull up the blades, dig random holes in the dirt, run all over the lawn, and daydream on the lawn.

And part of the work of adulting is balancing the questioning and exploring of the youth with guidance and perspective.

But with life being as hectic as it can be, and with our individual status on the lawn of society being as precarious as it can be, it's easy to fall into the habits of past generations of 40-year olds in responding to teens and 20-somethings whenever they start asking too many questions and making too many calls for change.

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The first time I heard about the concept of 3rd places was when I was in college. Over the years, I've enjoyed a variety of 3rd places, including coffee shops, gyms, houses of worship, and live music venues.

But my two favorite 3rd places - by far - are laundromats and car washes. They are no-judgement, family-friendly, budget-friendly, class-collapsing spaces.

Last weekend, I happened to make a stop at my local car wash and laundromat, and it got me to thinking about what decisions our generation will make about the 3rd spaces in our country.

We live very different lives, in very different regions, in very different life situations. The forces of our economy, our politics, and our technology push and pull us into very different kinds of community and very different kinds of 3rd spaces.

And yet, the research is clear: humans need social interaction and connection, with a variety of people, in a variety of places.

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In many ways, this podcast is about timing. Turning 40 is primarily a conversation about timing.

The timing of the events in our lives. The timing of the seasons and stages of our lives.

Bad timing. Good timing. Unbelievably fortunate timing. Unbelievably tragic timing.

How many of us are approaching 40 in a season of life where we cannot afford for anything to go wrong because we have too many people, and things, to care for?

There's a difference between caring about someone or something and caring for that person or thing.

What are you caring for at this stage of your life?
Who are you caring for as you approach 40?
What do you when what you cared for is gone?
How do you handle the sudden shifts in life that cause endings you didn't have time to prepare for?


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My hair-related fears and concerns about aging never included worrying about seeing my hair turning gray. My two biggest concerns had always been about developing a receding hairline and balding.

During a routine trip to the office bathroom at work, following a recent visit to my barber for my monthly haircut, I was stunned to discover two new strands of bright gray hair sticking out of my beard.

Seeing my hair turn gray is one of the few life milestones I have experienced alone, and it got me to thinking about the kind of life milestones that define the first part of our lives, and the kind of milestones that will define this stage of life.


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A few days ago, I had the unfortunate experience of being stuck in an elevator at my job for an hour. On the 13th Floor. On a Friday afternoon.

While this highly irritating, slightly traumatizing ordeal was taking place, I decided to do what most writers do. I took this unexpected prompt, opened my notes app, and started writing.

This experience was a good metaphor for life moments that happen to many people around 40. Moments when we get stopped, moments where we find ourselves stuck.

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At this stage of your life, do you still dream? What are your dreams about? What are your dreams no longer about? Who are your dreams for?

40 is a great time to ask: What have your dreams cost you? What has cost you your dreams?

Athletes have an offseason, many actors and entertainers have an offseason. Politicians get an offseason. And there are all sorts of occupations and lifestyles that have cycles that at least include slow periods where people can take short breaks.

I wish more adults could experience an offseason, especially those of us about to enter mid-life. I believe that we all need time to sleep, time to rest, time to reflect, time to reset. We need time to dream.

We need an offseason.

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One of the social media trends I've come to appreciate has been people making TikToks of themselves using the face aging filter. In the majority of the ones that appear in my feed, people generally respond lovingly, gently, and knowingly at the visuals of their future faces.

I think this trend, that made it socially acceptable to publicly share images of a version of yourself with more wrinkles, less hair, and no youthful glow, has been a much-needed counterbalance to the body slimming underclothes, weight loss supplements, plastic surgery procedures, hair dyeing kits, and the billion-dollar industries that feed on the insecurities and realities of many of us soon-to-be middle agers.

We all have multiple aspects of our lives that function as windows that others to see us at this stage in our lives, and as mirrors that allow us to see ourselves. So I wanted to invite us to think about the mirrors and windows of our lives, and how they impact how we think about turning 40.

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Have you ever experienced the stages of shock, denial, anger, and grief after discovering that someone who you respected and admired was not who you thought they were?

At this stage of our lives, a year has not gone by without us witnessing some once-beloved and respected entertainer, politician, local community leader, or religious figure get caught up in a reputation-tainting scandal.

And as we continue to occupy more positions of influence and authority on-and-offline throughout our 40s, in our families, in our communities, and in our society, we have the opportunity - and responsibility - to impact how our culture handles those who slip, trip, stumble, or tumble from a position of status.

So we're going to need to be as honest with ourselves as we expect those who have let us down to be with us.

Did an experience of being let down by someone you looked up as child affect how you react today to hearing about a public figure's fall from grace?

Has an experience of being the person who has disappointed others as a result of life choices you made changed how you respond to news about a famous person's shortcomings and setbacks?

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One of the gifts of turning 40 is the self-awareness to know when to keep your two cents to yourself and sit out a fight, whether over the internet or in your house.

But life comes at us fast, and it seems like every few weeks another Really Big Deal Event happen, and many of us answer the battle cry of our group and take to our phones, our TVs, and our streets to stand up and speak out.

One of my core unifying principles of everything is that much of human behavior, especially between groups of people, is that much of life functions like the cafeteria of a large public high school. Where you sit, who knows you exist, whose side you take when conflict arises...these same questions are as important the dining tables, boardroom tables, and political roundtables of our adult lives as they were to the lunchroom tables of our childhoods.

This episode is a check-in meditation for a generation of 40 year olds who have already lived through a lifetime worth of interpersonal conflicts, social movements, online fights, and existential crises. We have been seen a lot, said a lot, and done a lot. We've been in a lot of fights, about a lot of topics, with a lot of people.

How's going for you at this point in your life? How's it going for the 40-year olds around you? How have the technological and societal shifts in the speed and scope of the stands we've had to take and the fights we've had to engage impacted us?

How many of us are carrying unhealed mental scars from last month's tragedy into this month's tragedy?

How many of us are living in the rubble of crumbled relationships, in the aftermath of the arguments and battles from last year's outrage?

What have you learned from all the online and offline fights that you've seen and experienced?



Follow us on social media: @40iscoming_ on IG and @40iscoming everywhere else.

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