Congratulations be upon you, Theophiloi! So remember how last week, we had our longest episode ever? Well, your boys done did it again. We went so deep into the Gospel of Matthew that we wound up recording for well over two hours, which means it's time for our very first two-part episode! Join us as we go about 40 minutes before we actually get into scripture, largely because we're busy talking about hypothetical gospels, reviewing the major motion picture The Star, and settling this whole .gif thing once and for all.

Topics of discussion: Benito's anxiety, Chris's anxiety, the Pharisees, the Begats, the Synoptic Problem, Q, M, L, the Two Source Hypothesis, the Four Source Hypothesis, the Farrer-Goulder-Goodacre theory, Luke's anti-wizard agenda, three secret wizards, an entire litany of source theories that we don't talk about because nobody wants to be here all day, the Marcion Manhunter, the linage of Jesus and how it's actually the lineage of Joseph, an unsurprising Hellboy appearance and debate, Nazarenes vs. Nazarites vs. Nazoreans, Mary's virginity and Jesus's four brothers and two sisters, what happens to Jesus's birthday presents, how many infants is it okay to kill, Satan Bells, the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, and some bad news for me, personally.