August 16, 2021

95. The Florida Of Canada

1 hour 2 minutes

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Lords:

Maxx

@mechcem on Twitter

Maxx plugs sitting at various angles

Erica

@YerrikTRB on Twitter

Erica plugs Lovage, not the band but the spice

Jim

Jim plugs Big Boy beds, or doesn’t

Topics:

Things I Chewed as a Youth.

In which I beg Jim to use a sharp knife or at least let me teach his child to.

Canadian floating feet: explained.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salish_Sea_human_foot_discoveries

Brad asks "Listening to spoilery discussion of a piece of media because you think you don't care about it, but then being convinced by said discussion that you actually would have liked it."

Do you know off hand the tallest person you've met? And other things I wish we tracked culturally.

At 7 feet 0 inches: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Todd_MacCulloch

At 6 feet 9 inches: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Bird

Egg the Arts Show

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EGG,_the_Arts_Show

Some of EGG on VIMEO https://vimeo.com/user10049545

Microtopics:

Sitting at various angles.

Toilets with threatening auras.

The butthole being the mind and the poop being the body.

Replacing all your spices with lovage.

How to use white pepper.

Breaking into the kitchen and finding where they keep the peppercorns.

Big boy beds.

Performatively lying on stuffed animals.

Baby MacGyver disassembling his crib from the inside.

One for the baby book.

The side number theory of beds.

Sleeping on a bed shaped like a mobius strip.

Sleeping on a tightrope because your triangular bed had too many sides.

Staying up as late as you can and then falling asleep where you stand.

Hiding inside the circular rack of shirts in JC Penney.

Climbing inside a circular rack of chastity belts at JC Penney and becoming trapped when an employee comes by and locks all the belts.

Collecting pins from the collars of the men's shirts and sticking them all into the calluses of your hands and running around displaying your hands to freak out the grownups.

Chewing all the bones so nobody in your family can play Operation.

An endlessly chewy grape.

The sign up sheet for chewing on the fake plastic grape.

The hierarchy of who in your 4th grade class is allowed to chew on the plastic grape next and for how long.

The copycat endlessly chewy grape that is not as good as the one that Erica refuses to give up.

Dipping the chewing sponge in whiskey to refresh its flavor.

Filling the endlessly chewy plastic grape with peanut butter.

Chewing stim toys that are designed for babies but you can totally chew on them as an adult too.

Eating the eyes out of the fish before anybody else gets the chance.

The novelty of eating an identifiable body part.

The Snack That Tastes Back.

Being faced with an ice cream bar shaped like a human and deciding whether to bite off its legs first so it can't run away or bite off its head first so it can't scream.

Not celebrating Easter but knowing about Easter candy because you bought it on sale afterwards.

Whether or not to teach a four year old kitchen knife skills.

Giving a cat a tail knife so that it is pointy on six out of six ends.

The least optimal medium for explaining how to hold a kitchen knife.

Seeing a two year old and needing to arm the two year old.

Teaching a two year old how to wield power responsibly.

Disarticulated feet washing ashore.

Sneakers being more buoyant than sneakers thirty years ago.

Why floating feet like landing in Canada.

Never a single foot.

Salish Sea Human Foot Discoveries.

As It Happens.

Talking to a Canadian man who was near an earthquake.

Cons: loose feet.

Lying about the quality of water.

Turning the amnesia pill like a kitchen timer to specify how much time you want to lose.

Trying to get to Twitter Zero but some people who follow you don't log on any more so you have to find them in real life and annoy them enough that they log in to Twitter to unfollow you, but not enough that they call the police.

Cosplaying a 2013-era Twitter asshole by uploading an egg as your profile photo.

Tweeting nothing but pop culture spoilers and phobia-triggering photos for months to shed as many followers as possible in your quest for Twitter Zero.

A Twitter bot that changes its avatar and username to the last person who tweeted at it and tweets what they said back at them.

Not knowing if anyone has time these days and asking the listeners to write in if they have time, but not reading any of the emails because you don't have time.

A language where disclosing whether you've eaten eggplant today is built into the grammar.

Meeting a basketball player and their suit is yards and yards of tweed going right up to the ceiling, with their head perched on top.

Meeting the basketball player who retired to play pinball at California Extreme.

Learning to spin a ball on your finger at Harlem Globetrotters basketball camp.

All the time you spent at basketball camp and eating avocado toast that you wish you could have back now.

Moving to Detroit and wanting to make neighborhoods more friendly.

Planting cabbages outside of smokestacks to remove heavy metals from the soil.

Emailing the producer of a show you liked twenty years ago to let them know that it's not online anywhere and ending up spearheading the project to archive the show permanently.

Doxing yourself live on the air.

A Twitter account that every Topic Lord can post from.

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By Jim Stormdancer

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