(Warning: Satire… NSFW or sensitive constitutions.)

On Friday night, as part of the Remove the Regime rally weekend in DC, I was asked to give an opening blessing for a gathering called Comedy Church. It was a night of subversive anti-Christian nationalism, pro-democracy stand-up featuring Cliff Cash, Father Nathan Monk, and Larry Fulford held at a beautiful downtown sanctuary.

I told the 600 passionate folks gathered that, since many of them were likely already familiar with my writing, they didn’t need to hear from me, but I told them I’d called in a favor as a former pastor and was honored to read a very special guest blessing.Here it is…

Hey, Comedy Church, it’s me… God.

I’d hoped to be with you tonight, but, as the song goes, I’ve got the whole world in my hands. (Incidentally, I’m not a fan of that song, since I’m not actually male and don’t have hands, but that’s another story).

Things here are absolutely bonkers, what with climate change, ICE raids, Epstein files, rising fascism, and Taylor Swift’s latest album, which was a bit tone deaf, if you ask me.

Anyway, I was hoping to send my son Jesus in my place tonight, but with so many people anxiously waiting on his second coming, we (you know, the Trinity), kinda felt like that would be squandering the big moment. No offense intended; we assure you.

We’re with you in spirit, though…which admittedly isn’t as grand a gesture as it sounds, since we’re everywhere already anyway.

So, instead, you’ll have to settle for a 56-year-old social media pastor who was fired ten years ago and decided to spend the days leading up to his golden years screaming into the void, incessantly doomscrolling, and arguing with bots originating from the bedroom of a Russian middle schooler.

Honestly, I confess that I’m not exactly sure what Comedy Church is, and I’m supposed to know everything, which is more than a little embarrassing. I’m assuming from the title you’ll be laughing at Christians, and if so, I’m more than happy to bless that, as the last decade has been super bad for the brand, as you can imagine. I can remember when I thought Pat Robertson prattling on about gay-hating storms was gonna be rock bottom. Ah, the good ol’ days.

Before you all get started there, I’d like to sincerely apologize for the conduct of some of my followers, because if not for them, you wouldn’t have to be in DC to begin with. If I had a face or hands, I promise you I’d be facepalming continually. Seeing what’s transpired there recently, I gotta tell ya, I’m seriously rethinking that whole free will thing. Would love a redo on that one, for sure. Watching these Fox News-addled fearmongers creating this chaos in my name makes me want to come down there and flip a few tables, not to mention sue the Religious Right for identity theft.

I guess I should have seen this coming. I mean, there is precedent. I can still remember a few thousand years ago, when professed religious people ended up abandoning me and mindlessly worshiping a golden calf… so it doesn’t surprise me that so many are now bowing down to an orange jackass. Still, this sequel is super disappointing.

I’m sure many of you are looking at me and waiting for me to send highly localized floods, famines, or maybe a nice pox on their House (or the Senate), but that’s not how I operate. We’ve always been securely in the love camp here, despite what MAGA Churches tell you, and the thing is, you’re the delivery system of that love.

I know you’ve all heard the saying ‘love wins,’ but contrary to the t-shirts and memes, Love will not win on its own, simply because. Courageous, empathetic, pissed off people like you, fully participating in the political process and engaging the broken systems around you, will win. Wherever compassionate human beings like you spend yourselves on behalf of other people, when you keep going despite being exhausted, when you refuse to tire of doing the right thing, when you will not be shamed into silence—then love will be winning.

Love isn’t some mysterious force outside of your grasp and beyond your efforts that exists disconnected from you. It ain’t supernatural magic, it’s hard ass work. It is the tangible cause-and-effect of giving a damn about your families, neighbors, strangers, and exercising that impulse in measurable ways. Love is ornamental and worthless until it moves from aspiration to incarnation. What I’m saying is, I’m not going to magically make things right, but fortunately, you’re here to do that.

So, welcome in. Exhale. Make yourselves comfortable.Here, you don’t have to earn or achieve or make or do or impress.No one cares how many followers you have. (Trust me, followers are overrated anyway.)You can rest here.Like all gatherings where I’m present, no one has to sit outside; everyone gets a seat, and nobody is illegal.This is a beautifully odd congregation of the common good, and it gives me great joy.We need all people of faith, morality, and conscience to flip this script here. So, let laughter heal the wounds the last twelve months have caused you.Allow the tears to flow freely, whether of joy or grief, gratitude or regret.And if you feel like taking off your shoes, go ahead. This place is holy ground.So, let Comedy Church begin.And all the rabble-rousers, good troublemakers, and bleeding-heart liberals say “Amen.

P.S. Love your neighbors, impeach Trump, and f*ck ICE. Thus sayeth Us…

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