A School Leader’s Playbook by Connecting Through Conversation

Episode 6: Connecting Through Conflict

Conflict can quickly shift a conversation from problem-solving to protecting positions. When that happens, it becomes easy to see the other person as the problem instead of staying focused on the issue you are trying to solve together.

In this episode, we focus on practical strategies school leaders can use to stay connected during conflict, communicate with clarity, and keep conversations productive—even when perspectives differ.

In this episode, you will learn:

• Why non-verbal communication often shapes a conversation before a word is spoken
• How physical positioning, eye contact, and environment can influence conflict
• Why conflict boundaries help keep conversations focused on the problem instead of the person
• How to avoid common traps like bringing in unrelated issues or taking conversational detours
• How to use the "Share Your Story, Ask for Theirs" strategy from Crucial Conversations to communicate your perspective while remaining curious about someone else's
• How to identify different logic styles and adjust your communication accordingly
• Why tempering your claims can reduce defensiveness and invite dialogue
• How to move conversations toward resolution with clear next steps and follow-up

Sentence stems to share your story and ask for theirs:

• When you said _____, I was telling myself a story that _____. Is that what you were thinking?
• When I saw _____, I was telling myself a story that _____. Can you walk me through what happened?
• When _____ happened, I was telling myself a story about your reasons. Can you help me understand?

Sentence stems during conflict:

• I am wondering...
• Could it be...
• Is that right?
• Help me understand...
• Moving forward...
• Nevertheless...
• And yet...
• Even so...
• All that being said...

Part of a 6-episode playbook for the toughest conversations school leaders face.

Resources:
https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/resources

Learn more about our books:
https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/our-book

Episode 5: Keep Your Cool When the Heat Is On — De-escalation Moves in the Moment

Conversations can escalate quickly. A concern becomes frustration. Frustration becomes conflict. And in those moments, what you do next can either calm the situation or make it worse.

In this episode, we focus on practical strategies school leaders can use in the moment to de-escalate tension, stay grounded, and keep communication moving forward.

In this episode, you will learn:

• Why staying calm matters when emotions run high
• How curiosity can help de-escalate conflict and uncover what is really going on
• How to use looping for understanding, a strategy described by Amanda Ripley in High Conflict, to help people feel heard and understood
• Why summarizing what you heard and checking for understanding can reduce tension and build trust
• How partnership language keeps people on the same team during difficult conversations

Sentence stems to diffuse a situation:

• I hear you.
• I've made a note of that.
• Let me make sure I got this right.
• This is super important.
• I am so glad you brought this concern to me.
• I am taking this very seriously.
• I am so sorry this happened.
• We are working to ensure nothing like this happens again.
• I would be upset too if that is what I was told.

Sentence stems during conflict:

• Thanks for partnering with me on this.
• We both want the same thing.
• Let's work through this together.

Part of a 6-episode playbook for the toughest conversations school leaders face.

Resources:
https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/resources

Learn more about our books:
https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/our-book

You’re in the conversation and it turns. Someone is frustrated. Maybe their voice gets louder. Maybe they shut down. Maybe they come at you.

And in that moment, it is easy to react or defend.

In this episode, we focus on what to do instead. Because when someone gets mad, there is usually something underneath it. And if you can listen for that, you can get to the real issue and move the conversation forward.

In this episode, you will learn:

• Why anger is often a signal of something deeper
• How to listen for what is underneath the reaction
• Why you cannot control others but you can control yourself
• How to identify a common purpose to move the conversation forward
• The difference between positions and the real problem underneath
• How to use partnership language to stay on the same team
• Why focusing forward matters more than rehashing the past

Sentence stems to identify the real issue:

• What would a resolution to this situation look like for you?
• How can I support you?
• What does support look like in this situation?
• What would be most helpful to move forward?

Part of a 6-episode playbook for the toughest conversations school leaders face.

Resources:
https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/resources

Learn more about our books:
https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/our-book

You know those conversations where emotions start to rise and suddenly everything shifts? You feel it in your body. Your heart rate picks up, your shoulders tighten, and you can feel yourself getting pulled in.

In this episode, we focus on what to do in that moment. Because even when you’ve planned well, tough conversations can escalate quickly. And when they do, how you show up matters.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why emotions escalate so quickly in tough conversations

• How emotional contagion impacts the tone of an interaction

• What mirror neurons are and why they matter for leaders

• Why you can’t control others—but you can control yourself

• Simple strategies to stay calm when emotions rise

• How slowing your voice and presence can de-escalate the moment

  
  

Part of a 6-episode playbook for the toughest conversations school leaders face.

Resources:

https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/resources

Learn more about our books: https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/our-book

You know the conversation you need to have. But how do you say it so it actually lands?

In this episode, we share the concrete steps to plan a tough conversation so you can go in calm, clear, and ready to say what needs to be said. When someone catches you with “Do you have a minute?”, we show you how to buy yourself time and transition to a planned conversation instead. Then, we'll talk you through how to plan for it and anticipate what might come up.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How to buy yourself time instead of getting pulled into an unplanned conversation
• Sentence stems you can use to pause and schedule the conversation
• How to plan with purpose, timing, location, and a clear concern
• Why planning ahead makes tough conversations easier to manage and more likely to land

Part of a 6-episode playbook for the toughest conversations school leaders face.

Resources:
https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/resources

Learn more about our books:
https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/our-book

You know those tough conversations school leaders need to have and don’t want to? The ones you avoid, delay, or hope will resolve on their own? In this episode, we unpack what gets in the way, why waiting makes it worse, and why an imperfect conversation is better than none at all.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why leaders avoid tough conversations (even when they know they shouldn’t)

• Why bad news doesn’t get better with time

• How avoiding the conversation impacts your culture and your team

• Why softening the message can cause it to miss entirely

Part of a 6-episode playbook for the toughest conversations school leaders face.

Resources:

https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/resources

Learn more about our books: https://www.connectingthroughconversation.com/our-book