Airport Minute Podcast

Chuck Goldstone is an author, humorist and is assumed to have written THIS BOOK IS NOT A TOY: FRIENDLY ADVICE ON HOW TO AVOID DEATH AND OTHER INCONVENIENCES, which the prestigious St. Martin’s Press claims sold at least a few boxes of books. As a commentator and radio pundit, he was heard nationally on Marketplace for a decade and has appeared regularly as a guest on CBS Radio Boston. His humor-stuffed websites include www.ridiculous2sublime.com and www.terribleadvice.com. In the real world, he has helped organizations from global giants to scraping startups tell their stories more persuasively. He recalls seeing Airport the first time on an airplane. But maybe it was On Golden Pond.
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After getting yelled at by Bert Weatherby, Peter Coakley looks at Tanya.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Livingston, that he got made at you,” says Coakley. “It was all my fault.”

“Never mind,” says Tanya. “He’ll get over it.” Tanya turns and looks at her desktop. “The man was one of the last to go aboard, so he probably was on that bus that was late.” She picks up the phone and dials a number.

The screen splits, and a man looking at a clipboard answers. “Reindel,” he says.

“John,” says Tanya, “this is Tanya Livingston. Do me a favor, will you? Read me the list of passengers on Flight Two who came out on the bus.”

“Yeah, hang on a minute,” says John. “I’ve got it right here.” He picks up another clipboard.

“Never mind the women,” says Tanya. “Just the men.”

“Okay,” says Reindel. “Rathbone, Marcus J. — Bonnelli, Luigi — Guerrero, D.O. — Yates, Robert…”

Meanwhile, in the airport cafeteria, Harry and Mel are paying their bills at the register.

“She stood us up, that’s all,” says Mel.

“I hope that’s all,” says Harry. A pocket phone pager buzzes.

“You, or me?” asks Mel, reaching for his jacket pocket.

“You,” says Harry, waving his own pager. Mel presses the cancel button on his pager and picks up a phone at the cashier’s stand. He dials a number.

“Bakersfeld,” says Mel.

Jean Seberg as Tanya Livingston

Chris Henry has been a lifelong aviation enthusiast. Since the time he started volunteering at the local air museum at the age of 12 airplanes have been part of his life. He went to college for air traffic and worked for US Airways in Pittsburgh before working as a medical helicopter dispatcher. Then went on to become an air traffic controller before going to work in his current role as the Museum Program Rep for the EAA Aviation Museum.

Vern asks Captain Harris if he ever thought about “doing something” about his three unplanned kids before they were born.

“No,” says Harris. “Let me tell you something: I love all seven of them, but the three we didn’t plan? Boy, they turned out to be something really special.”

Vern ponders that one, but doesn’t say anything.

Meanwhile, back in Tanya’s office, Bert Weatherby is dictating a dispatch.

“- – detain on board after landing,” says Weatherby. “Release only to station manager Roth.” Tanya finishes typing and hands the paper to Weatherby. “I’m going to flight dispatch. I’ll take it.”

“I’ll take it for you, Mister Weatherby,” offers Peter Coakley.

“No thank you,” says Weatherby. “I don’t want it to wind up in the ladies’ room.” Coakley cringes.

“What about the man I mentioned, Mister Weatherby?” asks Tanya. “The one with the attaché case?”

“If Standish wants to find out what the guy is smuggling,” says Weatherby, “Let him get Italian Customs to check. I’m not going to offend a paying passenger with something that’s none of our business.”

“I was wondering — what if he isn’t smuggling?” asks Tanya. “What if -”

“Forget it!” says Weatherby, walking out the office door. Coakley watches him leave.

Gary Collins as Cy Jordan

Chris Henry has been a lifelong aviation enthusiast. Since the time he started volunteering at the local air museum at the age of 12 airplanes have been part of his life. He went to college for air traffic and worked for US Airways in Pittsburgh before working as a medical helicopter dispatcher. Then went on to become an air traffic controller before going to work in his current role as the Museum Program Rep for the EAA Aviation Museum.

Summary

Gwen’s in the cockpit, talking to Vern about Ada Quonsett.

“We’ll report,” says Vern. “They’ll grab her in Rome, so until then, why make the old girl miserable?”

“You know, Captain?” says Gwen, “you’re a real nice person.” Gwen leaves the cockpit.

Harris looks at Vern. “I didn’t know you’re so fond of old women!” says Harris.

“Oh, I prefer the young ones,” says Vern.

“That’s what I heard,” says Harris.

“But opportunities, you know,” says Vern, “don’t last forever. Pretty soon, you and I will have to settle for the not-so-young ones.”

“Oh, I already have,” says Harris, “for quite some time.” Vern nods his head.

“Yeah, that’s right,” says Vern, “You always played it right straight down the line. No mucking around on layovers.”

“Well, Helen was a stewardess, flying DC-4s,” says Harris, “That’s how we met, and, uh, she knew what was going on, so when we got married, I – I made her a promise. The obvious one. I’ve always kept it.” Vern thinks about this for a moment.

“Well,” says Vern, “I guess all those kids you had helped.”

“Yeah,” says Harris. “Maybe.”

“How many you got – six?” asks Vern.

“No, seven,” says Harris. “Four we planned, three we didn’t.”

Vern pauses to ponder this information.

“The ones you didn’t plan–” says Vern, “did you ever consider… doing anything about ’em? Before they -”

Jaqueline Bisset as Gwen Meighan

Since seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark, Gerry Porter has been inspired to search the globe for rare antiquities. Actually drums. He’s known Indiana Jones Minute’s Tom Taylor since birth, and Pete Mummert since their days at Marshall College, and believes that in a fight between Han Solo and Indiana Jones, we all win (until we all lose). When Gerry’s not shooting craps with the “bad egg” Hovitos, he’s installing Xboxes in every hut and slipping “Fortified Sunny D Jungle Punch with Pampas Berries” into every thatched lunch box. Here’s a joke he just made up: Why did the teacher make Gerry rewrite his number line? Bad Eights.

Summary

Gwen continues to eavesdrop on Ada Quonsett, who’s talking to Mr. Davidson in 23-C.

“My late husband played the violin,” says Ada. “Not professionally, but he was very good. He once played the Minute Waltz in fifty-eight seconds!”

Gwen resumes her walk through the Tourist Class. She opens the curtain to the rear coat closet, and discovers Mrs. Quonsett’s coat, marked “23B.” Gwen closes the curtain, dumps Mr. Rathbone’s stale nuts in the trash, and pours a new serving in a ramekin. Gwen walks past stewardess Ruth.

“Nuts to the man in 21-D,” says Gwen.

“You said it!” replies Ruth.

As Gwen passes row 23, Mr. Davidson turns to Ada. “May I treat you to another sherry?” he asks Ada.

“Oh, no!” replies Ada. “One is really all I ever — well, thank you. You’re very kind.” Davidson reaches up and pushes the Call button on the overhead console.

Back in the cockpit, Gwen reports what she’s seen to the crew. “She’s there all right. 23-B. That’s why the head count was wrong.” She turns to Anson Harris. “What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing,” replies Harris. “If you start questioning her now, there’s bound to be tears.”

“We were asked to check,” says Vern.

Jaqueline Bisset as Gwen Meighan

Since seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark, Gerry Porter has been inspired to search the globe for rare antiquities. Actually drums. He’s known Indiana Jones Minute’s Tom Taylor since birth, and Pete Mummert since their days at Marshall College, and believes that in a fight between Han Solo and Indiana Jones, we all win (until we all lose). When Gerry’s not shooting craps with the “bad egg” Hovitos, he’s installing Xboxes in every hut and slipping “Fortified Sunny D Jungle Punch with Pampas Berries” into every thatched lunch box. Here’s a joke he just made up: Why did the teacher make Gerry rewrite his number line? Bad Eights.

Gwen closes the curtain separating First Class from Coach and surveys the cabin.  She’s stopped by Mrs. Schultz.

“Oh, Miss, ” says Mrs. Schultz, “The Captain said we’d arrive on schedule…”

“That means we’re going to make up for the hour’s delay!” interrupts Mrs. Schultz, smiling.

“Father,” corrects Schuyler Schultz, ” with a ground speed of six hundred and twenty miles per hour, and a distance of four thousand eight hundred seventeen miles,  it’s a physical impossibility!”

“Your son is right,” says Gwen. “The Captain was referring to scheduled flying time. It’ll be approximately seven and a half hours from takeoff.” Mr. Schultz looks at his watch and nods.

Gwen continues down the aisle, passing by Dr. Compagno, who is sitting on an aisle seat rest, talking to an army sargeant. Gwen stops to talk to Judy, Harry Standish’s niece, who’s entertaining a small boy sitting in her lap.

“Oh, I see you’ve got a boyfriend!” says Gwen.

“Yes,” says Judy, “and he’s invited me to Rome to a nightclub.” Gwen continues down the aisle, looking at passengers. The man in 21-D snaps his fingers. It’s Marcus Rathbone again.

“Miss!” says Marcus, waving a plastic cup, “These nuts are stale!”

“I’m sorry, sir,” says Gwen, taking the cup from him. “I’ll try and find you some fresher ones.”

“Four hundred and seventy four dollars and they give you stale nuts!” grumbles Rathbone. Gwen continues aft.  She spots Ada Quonsett in 23-B.

“So you play the oboe!” says Ada to the man in 23-C.

Peter Turgeon as Marcus Rathbone

Hal Bryan is senior editor for digital and print content and publications at the Experimental Aircraft Association, hosts of the world’s largest aviation event, in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He’s co-author of two books, a lifelong pilot and aviation geek, and an obsessive pop culture nerd with a penchant for sci-fi, superheroes, and optimistic retro-futurism. As a pilot, he’s logged time in a wide variety of airplanes, many of them old and weird, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Cleveland dispatcher is describing stowaway Ada Quonsett to the Flight Two crew over the radio.

“Wearing a brown hat with a brown pom-pom, tweed coat with black velvet collar,” says Cleveland Dispatch. “Name: Mrs. Ada Quonsett. Determine and confirm. ”

Harris responds, “Will check and advise.” Harris puts down the mic.

“I don’t believe it!” laughs Cy Jordan.

“Oh, I believe it,” says Vern. “Those penguins on the ground are idiots.”

Gwen knocks on the cockpit door. Cy opens it for her.

“Now,” says Gwen, “the guy in Twenty-One D says it’s too hot!”

“You want a laugh?” asks Vern, handing Gwen his clipboard. “Have you seen her?” Gwen reads the description.

“Well,” says Gwen, “she’s not in First. I’ve hardly checked the Tourist section yet.”

“Well,” says Vern, “go back and see if the old biddy’s there, huh?”

“If she is,” asks Gwen, “what should I do?”

“Nothing,” says Vern, “just come back and report.” Gwen leaves the cockpit.

“How about that?” asks Vern. “A little old lady just walks on, like she’s walking onto an elevator.”

Gwen walks through First Class, passing by Maria, who is dishing out appetizers from a display of cooked shrimp on a serving cart.

In this minute

Vince Williams as Cleveland Dispatcher

Hal Bryan is senior editor for digital and print content and publications at the Experimental Aircraft Association, hosts of the world’s largest aviation event, in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He’s co-author of two books, a lifelong pilot and aviation geek, and an obsessive pop culture nerd with a penchant for sci-fi, superheroes, and optimistic retro-futurism. As a pilot, he’s logged time in a wide variety of airplanes, many of them old and weird, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Vern is making an announcement over the PA system.Their ground speed is 620 mph.

“We’ve reached our cruising altitude of thirty-three thousand feet,” says Vern. “The temperature outside is a pleasant fifty degrees below zero.  Our route tonight will take us over Toronto,  Montreal, Cape Race, St. John Newfoundland,  across the Atlantic, reaching the European coastline just north of Lisbon, and on into Rome on schedule.”

Guerrero nervously traces the route on the airline magazine map with a pen.

“The weather in Rome is a lot better than what we left behind in Chicago,” says Vern. “If there’s anything we can do to make this flight more enjoyable, please let us know. Thank you.”

The SELCAL light blinks while a tone sounds. Anson presses the SELCAL button. “This is Global Two,” he says.

“Uh, Flight Two, Cleveland,” says the dispatcher. “I have a message from Lincoln. Advise when ready to copy.”

“Go ahead Cleveland, “says Anson. “We’re ready.”

“Uh, practically certain you have a stowaway onboard,” says the dispatcher. “Caucasian, female, approximately five feet, one hundred pounds; age about seventy.”

In this minute

Van Heflin as D.O. Guerrero

Whether you realize it or not, you know Jordan Rich. Or at least, you know his voice. Jordan has been a ubiquitous and friendly presence as a voiceover artist featured in countless national radio and TV commercials, as well as a familiar voice on Boston airwaves since 1978, as a dynamic radio personality. For years, Jordan kept listeners company over their coffee and commute as morning drive host for such Boston stations as WRKO and WSSH-FM. For more than two decades, Jordan also hosted a late-night talk show on the legendary WBZ AM 1030.

Together with his college buddy Ken Carberry, Jordan operates Chart Productions, an audio/video production service for traditional broadcast, the Internet, and new media.

Guerrero is lighting one cigarette off another as he finishes a pack. Ada is concerned.

“Now, there’s nothing to be nervous about, ” says Ada to Guerrero. “I’ve flown thousands of miles, and I can tell you it’s a lot safer than crossing the street.”  Guerrero keeps smoking.

Flight Two continues flying over the cloud tops.

Meanwhile, Inez rises from her seat at the empty Gate 33 waiting area.  She passes the gate agent, who’s talking to Tanya, Peter Coakley, and Bert Weatherby.

“Yes, she was here, ” says the gate agent, “I saw her go on.”

“But did you see her get off?” asks Tanya.

“No, but I’m almost certain she did, ” replies the gate agent. “Her son dropped his wallet and she went on to give it to him.”

Tanya looks at Weatherby. “The wallet gag,” says Tanya. “She’s on the plane.”

“Maybe that’s why the head count didn’t tally,” says Peter Coakley. Weatherby glares at him.

“Speaking of head counts,” says Bert, “have you counted yours lately? I’m sure you’ve got at least two.”

“Well,” says Tanya, “should I send word to the Captain, to check and verify?”

“Yeah,” says Weatherby, “but have flight dispatch  call him on the company frequency so we can keep it private.”

Meanwhile, on Flight Two, Vern is making an announcement over the PA system. “Our ground speed is -”

In this minute

Van Heflin as D.O. Guerrero

Chris Epting is the author of 26 travel/history books, including James Dean Died Here (Santa Monica Press), Roadside Baseball (McGraw Hill), Hello It’s Me, Dispatches From a Pop Culture Junkie (Santa Monica Press) and many others. He is also an award-winning travel writer and has contributed articles for such publications as the Los Angeles Times, Westways and Travel + Lesiure magazine, among other publications. In addition, Chris is a veteran music journalist and recently co-wrote Def Leppard’s Phil Collen’s memoir, “Adrenalized.” Originally from New York, Chris now lives in Huntington Beach, California with his wife and their two children.

Trans Global Two steers from the taxiway onto Runway Two Two.

“Global Two, Lincoln Tower, ” says a controller, “Cleared for takeoff.”

The 707 throttles up. D.O. Guerrero nervously clutches the briefcase in his lap.

“This is Global Two,” says Vern, “Rolling.” The 707 picks up speed, rotates off the runway, and climbs into the snowy sky.

High above the clouds, Global Two rises out of the soup.  Vern picks up the microphone.

“On top at seven thousand,” says Vern. “Clear above, visibility unlimited. Proceeding on course. Will report passing Cleveland.”

Meanwhile, Guerrero is lighting one cigarette off another as he finishes a pack.

In this minute

Unknown as Controller #2

Wil is an a award-winning television director with numerous episodes of Frasier (1993), Becker (1998), Everybody Loves Raymond (1996), and Gilmore Girls (2000) under his belt.

He is a nationally known comedian with over 50 appearances with Jay Leno, David Letterman, Johnny Carson and more.

His corporate track record with Microsoft and Bill Gates continues to grow with a host of projects for an array of technology- and consumer-oriented electronic companies.

As an actor, he has over a dozen films to his credit including the Academy Award-nominated film Peggy Sue Got Married (1986), in which he co-starred with Joan Allen, and that was directed by Francis Ford Coppola.

Wil Shriner wrote the screenplay and directed the feature film Hoot (2006), based on the Newbury Honor-noted Carl Hiaasen book from New Line Cinema and Walden Media.

Wil’s Official Site

Wil’s IMDb Page

Inez wanders away from the windows of Gate 33, before taking a seat in the empty waiting area.

As the 707 taxis away, Gwen is narrating the safety briefing, while Stewardess Maria models the flotation vest. Maria points out the exits while some of the passengers pay attention.

Several passengers are featured during the briefing: the First Class passengers; a young man with glasses and his parents; Harry Standish’s niece Judy Barton, seated with an Italian woman and her son; two nuns seated with an Army Private; Ada Quonsett, seated between a Mr. Davidson and D.O. Guerrero (Guerrero clutches his briefcase); and Dr. Campagno, seated next to two  women.

Dr. Compagno shakes pills out of a bottle and hands some to his seat companion. “Don’t worry,” says Dr. Compagno, “if you take one of these, you won’t get airsick at all.”

“Thank you, Doctor!” says the woman seated next to him, as she takes a pill.

In this minute

Maureen Stapleton as Inez Guerrero