Trump orders generals to invade US, Hegseth wants less bears and more twunks, we wish the government was as closed as the Epstein files, MAGA is Grindr’s key demographic, Trump says “Don’t fear the raper,” as the nine years of Presidential dimentia continues, feds end discriminatory policing by arresting absolutely everyone, and when the hell did Puerto Rico become part of ‘Mericka?

Either we’re going to war with blue states or aliens, or maybe we’re about to turn on Skynet, AI slop causing psychosis and making truth impossible to find, Kirk Memorial goes WWE Raw, Trump plans to put AI in charge of bioweapons, Kash covers up Homan’s cash bribe, akidominipoon causes Autism, they tore down our favorite DC statue, and Bibi speaks to an empty UN audience.

Alex was late…then early…then says “It’s a black thing,” Russia pokes NATO, but just enough to be a nuisance, while Ukraine keeps grinding Russian meat, from “Charlie who?” to an American Martyr, Trans people become the next brown people, 1,250 people “missing” from Alligator Alcatraz and they didn’t escape, Crazy-Eye Kash try to out Karen Congress, and there’s still hope for the solar flare this year.

Charlie Kirk's assassination is an attack on all of us, but not in the way anyone thinks or even understands. Russia attacks Poland, Israel attacks Qatar, USAF attacks an alien spacecraft, US Navy attacks a Venezuelan drug boat, ICE attacks South Korea, Nepal’s Gen Z attacks their government, and Trump’s cardiovascular system attacks his face.

Big Cheeto says he’s a dictator then goes AWOL, while Babyface Vance says “I’m a big boy now,”  Big Balls has your SSN, Palantir helps remove Fed Governor, ICE agents are depressed, and we feel really terrible about that, jury nullification saves a sandwich-throwing terrorist, sidewalk chalk triggers government, and Desantis is finally doing something right…maybe.

Alex and Adrian get into a heated debate about museums, Trump says he’s “not doing well” on his quest to go to heaven, Ghislaine says Trump is quite the gentleman, Putin whips it out on the red carpet, Commies buy Intel, Florida deploys armed drones in schools, vegetables cost a fortune, “libertarian” Milei rolls out the surveillance state, then they came for John Bolton, and I did not speak out.

Trump tells Putin, “Spank me Daddy!” as he goes full KGB on DC, Smithsonian plans to expel Woke dinosaurs, Maxwell to get work release for her silence on prominent pedophiles, why Gen Alpha is YouTubing retirement advice, Israel keeps doing their genocide thing, Hunter Biden is our favorite junkie con man, Palantir is Minority Report, and do yourself a favor and visit Tridactyls.org.

Your phone is making you a D-bag, Zelensky says Molon Labe, House subpoenas Epstein files, JD’s coup meeting gets leaked and cancelled, Trump says he knows what mysterious drones were but “It’s not up” to him to tell us, Chinese making home grown US spy babies, “Big Balls” takes a whoopin’ so Trump can take DC, and bribing the president is as easy as a trophy and a coupon.

Adrian plays therapist as Alex recounts his verbal assaults on Christians and an elderly cancer patient, Trump accuses Epstein of stealing his underage massage girls, never refer to the victim as “CEO,” Air Force uses money slated for nuke upkeep to put gold toilets in Trump’s plane, everything is still going according to the Tech Bros plans, and “How many bureaucrats to I have to fire before I get the numbers I want?”

South Park has an “All the President’s Men” moment, Ghislaine gets immunity to possibly testify against everyone BUT Trump, mainstream media flips the script on Israel, Tech Bro’s pick for POTUS is about to go rogue, three LA deputies nominated for Darwin Awards, Ozzy was a mutant, and why an AI that likes owls could be humanity’s demise.