TW: Topics of purity culture, eating disorders and nonconsenual touch
Church needs to be held accountable for the hurt they've done,
My first experience with grief is when my mom told me that my great grandma had passed away. I was 8 years old. I had just found out before we drove home from church and we had someone in the car with us. Not being able to honestly express my sadness, it was also one of the first times I suppressed emotion to make other's feel comfortable. I’ve since lost my two grandpa’s, both whom I loved dearly and both of their deaths were difficult for me as a 14-year-old and then later, a 25-year-old.
I’ve had a mostly safe upbringing. I grew up in the church, serving and giving. I’ve known incredible people in the church, most of who saw me for who I truly am and have loved me for that. I remember sitting in the congregation for a baptism service. I was young, maybe 10 or 12 years old. My mind was wandering and ready for the service to be over. Before the pastor came out into the baptismal, I was thinking to myself, what an incredible thing it would be for the dude getting baptized to come out in goggles and a swim cap. You might not believe me, but the next thing I saw was him wearing just that! I was astonished! I immediately found him after the service and told him. I felt a connection to him and made sure to say “Hi, Neil!” every time I saw him at church. Sometimes, I would make sure to go specifically find him to say Hi. I struggled at my church being accepted. I was always in some kind of trouble, getting nick picked to oblivion, being told to be more like so and so. I found someone who saw me and accepted me and was also similar! He was safe to me. When he passed away of cancer years later, I attended his funeral and told this story. It was difficult for me because I had since left this church so going back was uncomfortable and awkward. But I wanted to honor this man and what he meant to me. After the funeral, Neil’s best friend found me and came up to me and told me how much it meant to him to hear that story. He told me I memorialized him perfectly and then handed me a $1,000 check to help me out with a computer for school since I was soon starting college. It was an incredible experience and one I’ll never forget.
I haven’t lost many people to death so far in my life. But I’ve mostly lost people to mistreatment and abusive behavior. But from what I’ve experienced, the grief between the two types of losses isn’t so different. Don’t get me wrong. The loss of a loved one to death and the loss of a relationship to traumatic difficulties are, in fact, different, but the grieving process is very similar.
Having lost church family over and over has caused so much grief in my heart, it’s just become normal. I’ve lost this type of community for different reasons, but mostly it’s been surrounded by rejection and abuse. I believe I became addicted to replacing my church family, constantly searching for who will replace what was. And every time, it’s ended mostly in the same way. I feel used and abused, taken advantage of and manipulated. I’ve chosen to not continue this damaging cycle after my latest experience with the church of America and its broken system and to view church differently than I ever have, and it’s been an entire grieving process of its own.
The last church I attended, worked for and was a part of was a beautiful church when I first started going. The leadership proved to be healthy and loving. They affirmed me, as a woman, which was a first for me. I had always been treated as less than because of my gender and made sure to know my place within the walls of a church and my family. This has been inherently damaging to me. I have sought acceptance my entire life, so when I started learning that my place is “in the home” and that I can only ever work with women and children within the church has been hurtful. So, when this church put me in as the worship leader, it was amazing. It was healing. It was fun! I absolutely loved what I got to do in this role! The church grew and positions needed to be shifted with the growth. I took a different role with the church but kept serving on the worship team. With growth comes growing pains. And this church was not exempt from that. Slowly, before we even noticed it, the church started to unravel the tight cords we had built together as a church family. People were cast out with the perception of “Well, they couldn’t do what we asked of them, so they quit. Even though they say they were fired, they weren’t.” You want to badly for what they said to be true, even though deep down you know it’s not. But you’re holding so tightly to preserve what used to be that you just go along with it. After all, they affirm women! But steadily, it all starts to disintegrate no matter how tightly you’re holding on it. I finally came to grips with the deceptive and manipulative ways I was being treated and how my friends had been treated the same. The moral and ethical qualities start to fade and you start accepting these as fact. I hid so much about what was said behind closed doors. I have so many things I’ll never speak that I heard or was told to me because they’re hurtful or that I have zero business knowing. When information from therapy sessions starts to be spoken about and weaponized, it’s time to face the facts. When your pastor shows fits of rage, or when you actively hide from him at church because he’s hunting you down to yell at you before church begins, it’s time to recognize abuse. When you get yelled at over the phone and hung up on by your pastor, stop making excuses for him. This behavior should not be tolerated, no matter “how tough the job of a pastor is.”
We need to stop making excuses for leaders within church walls when they hurt people. The stories of abuse that continue to make their way into light need to be accepted and not twisted. Believe survivors. People like Ravi Zacharius and Bill Heibles cannot and should not be defended. No man is incapable of sin and we have to stop sugar coating and excusing behavior that is toxic and harmful.
What we can gain through these experiences, because I know I’m not alone here, is that our faith cannot be put into the church. This system is riddled with narcissists using it as a platform for power and abuse. More accountability needs to be put into place for churches and less buying into a single man who leads. I know women pastors are just as capable, but I’m not addressing this scenario as I’ve never be led by a woman in a church which speaks volumes to me.
