# Episode 8: What We've Learned (Final Episode)

Over the last eight episodes, we've explored anger, relationship testing, autonomy, hurtful words, dark interests, and the hidden hurt many foster, adoptive, and kinship children carry.

But this series was never really about behavior.

It was about understanding.

As a foster and adoptive parent, I created these episodes while trying to answer questions I was asking about my own boys. Why the anger? Why the push for independence? Why the testing? Why do some kids seem drawn to dark stories and scary games? Why do words sometimes cut so deep?

In this final episode, I look back at what I've learned through lived experience, conversations with therapists, countless mistakes, and years of trying to understand two boys whose stories began before I became part of them.

Most importantly, we'll talk about one of the biggest lessons of all:

We can't do the healing for our children.

But we can stand alongside them as they learn how to heal themselves.

If you're raising a child who has experienced trauma, loss, abandonment, instability, or major life transitions, I hope this episode leaves you with fewer deer-in-the-headlights moments, more confidence in what to do next, and a reminder that you don't have to figure it all out alone.

**Keywords:** foster care, adoption, kinship care, trauma-informed parenting, attachment, child behavior, anger, autonomy, healing, parenting through trauma, foster parenting, adoptive parenting, childhood trauma, relationship testing, parenting podcast

**Resources & Support**

* Free Coaching Session: shawnhop.com

* Parent Community & Resources: aparently.community

* Follow on Instagram: @aparently.community

Take good care.

Sometimes our kids say things that hit harder than we want to admit.

Not because they're true.

Because they touch a wound that's already there.

In this episode of *Raising Kids Through Hurt*, I share a personal story about a painful job rejection, a heated argument with my son, and the moment he accidentally found the exact place I was already hurting.

We'll talk about:

• Why parents get hurt by their kids sometimes

• How to stay regulated when emotions are high

• Setting boundaries without losing connection

• Looking beneath hurtful words to understand what's really happening

• Why repair matters more than punishment

• How to stop carrying a painful moment into every future conflict

This episode isn't about excusing hurtful behavior.

It's about understanding it, responding thoughtfully, and staying connected when things get hard.

If you've ever replayed something your child said long after the argument was over, this conversation is for you.

You're doing better than you think you are.

🎙️ *Raising Kids Through Hurt* – Episode 7

**When Your Child Says Something That Cuts Deep**

Shawn Hopkins

CTACC Certified Coach

📅 Schedule a free coaching session: shawnhop.com

🌐 Parenting resources and discussions: aparently.community

Why do some kids become fascinated with dark things?

Whether it's Five Nights at Freddy's, horror stories, creepy drawings, monsters, or conversations about death, many parents find themselves wondering:

Should I be worried?

In this episode of Raising Kids Through Hurt, Shawn Hopkins shares his experience as a foster and adoptive parent navigating his son's fascination with FNAF and explores a different question:

What if your child's interest in dark things isn't a warning sign? What if it's a clue?

Shawn discusses how children sometimes use stories, mystery, and controlled fear to explore big feelings, difficult questions, loss, trust, safety, and uncertainty. He also reflects on how his own upbringing influenced the way he initially viewed these interests and how curiosity helped him better understand his son.

If you've ever wondered what your child's interests might be telling you, this episode offers a compassionate perspective on looking beneath the surface and strengthening your connection.

You're doing better than you think you are.

Resources:

shawnhop.com

aparently.community

When we become foster or adoptive parents, many of us carry expectations we don't even realize are there.

We think love will be enough.

We think stability will heal things faster than it does.

We think we're prepared.

And then reality arrives.

In this deeply personal episode of *Raising Kids Through Hurt*, I share some of the hidden pain foster and adoptive parents carry but rarely talk about openly: loneliness, disappointment, wanting gratitude, feeling judged, questioning ourselves, and realizing that some of our biggest parenting struggles aren't happening inside our kids—they're happening inside us.

This isn't a how-to episode.

It's an honest conversation.

If you've ever felt hurt, frustrated, unappreciated, exhausted, or alone while raising children whose stories began before you showed up, this episode is for you.

You're not a bad parent.

You're not failing.

And you're definitely not the only one.

🎙️ Raising Kids Through Hurt

Episode 5: Parenting Through Hurt — The Hidden Pain Foster and Adoptive Parents Carry

Resources, coaching, and community:

aparently.community

shawnhop.com

You're doing better than you think you are.

Take good care,

Shawn

Sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn't stepping in.

It's stepping back.

In this episode of *aParently! A Podcast for Parents*, Shawn explores the tension many foster, adoptive, kinship, and biological parents face as their children seek more independence.

Through two personal stories—one involving his younger son wanting ownership of his education and another involving his adult son navigating life on his own terms—Shawn wrestles with a difficult question:

***How do we know when to help and when to let our kids figure things out for themselves?***

**For children who have experienced trauma, loss, foster care, adoption, or major life disruptions, control and ownership can become deeply important. For parents who have witnessed that hurt, letting go can feel frightening.**

This episode explores:

* Why some kids push for independence so strongly

* How parental fear can sometimes make us hold on tighter

* The difference between helping and rescuing

* How to stay connected without taking control

* Why ownership may be an important part of healing and growth

If you've ever wondered whether you're doing too much, not enough, or somewhere in between, this conversation is for you.

Because sometimes the thing we're most afraid to let our kids do is exactly what they need to move forward.

**Raising Kids Through Hurt – Episode 4: Letting Go Without Walking Away**

You're doing better than you think you are.

Resources and community:

aParently.community

Schedule a free coaching session:

shawnhop.com

Sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn't stepping in.

It's stepping back.

In this episode of *aParently! A Podcast for Parents*, Shawn explores the tension many foster, adoptive, kinship, and biological parents face as their children seek more independence.

Through two personal stories—one involving his younger son wanting ownership of his education and another involving his adult son navigating life on his own terms—Shawn wrestles with a difficult question:

***How do we know when to help and when to let our kids figure things out for themselves?***

**For children who have experienced trauma, loss, foster care, adoption, or major life disruptions, control and ownership can become deeply important. For parents who have witnessed that hurt, letting go can feel frightening.**

This episode explores:

* Why some kids push for independence so strongly

* How parental fear can sometimes make us hold on tighter

* The difference between helping and rescuing

* How to stay connected without taking control

* Why ownership may be an important part of healing and growth

If you've ever wondered whether you're doing too much, not enough, or somewhere in between, this conversation is for you.

Because sometimes the thing we're most afraid to let our kids do is exactly what they need to move forward.

**Raising Kids Through Hurt – Episode 4: Letting Go Without Walking Away**

You're doing better than you think you are.

Resources and community:

aParently.community

Schedule a free coaching session:

shawnhop.com

What do we teach our kids to do when they're hurt?

Drawing from his own experiences as a foster and adoptive parent, Shawn shares stories about bedtime conversations, unanswered questions, childhood hurts that linger, and the delicate balance between respecting a child's pace and helping them learn they don't have to carry pain alone.

This isn't an episode with easy answers.

It's an honest conversation about preparing the space, keeping the invitation open, and showing up again and again—even when the answer is "nothing."

If you're raising kids whose stories began before you showed up, this episode is for you.

You're doing better than you think you are.

Take Good Care,

Shawn

#FosterCare #Adoption #FosterParenting #AdoptiveParenting #TraumaInformedParenting #ParentingThroughTrauma #RaisingKidsThroughHurt #aParentlyPodcast #ParentingPodcast #Attachment #Healing #ParentSupport

Many foster and adoptive parents have experienced it.

Things seem to be going well, and suddenly your child starts an argument, rejects help, pushes boundaries, or creates conflict that doesn't seem to make sense.

It's easy to take these moments personally. It's easy to wonder why a child would push away the very people who are trying to love them.

In this episode of Raising Kids Through Hurt, Shawn explores why some foster and adoptive children test relationships, what trauma and loss can teach children about trust, and how fear of abandonment can show up as conflict, rejection, or chaos.

This episode is not about excusing hurtful behavior. It's about understanding what may be happening underneath it while still teaching accountability, healthy relationships, and emotional safety.

If you've ever found yourself asking, "Why are we fighting right now?" this conversation is for you.

You're doing better than you think you are.

Topics discussed:

• Foster parenting

• Adoptive parenting

• Trauma-informed parenting

• Attachment and trust

• Fear of abandonment

• Relationship testing

• Parenting children from hard places

• Emotional regulation

• Building connection and accountability

Learn more, find resources, or schedule coaching at shawnhop.com and aParently.community.

When Anger and Revenge Become a Child's Way to Feel Safe

In this first episode of Raising Kids Through Hurt, I share a personal experience from my own home and a lesson I'm still learning as a foster and adoptive dad.

After one of my sons said things that were difficult to hear, I found myself wrestling with questions many parents ask:

Was this disrespect?

Did he mean it?

Should there be consequences?

Am I understanding what's underneath the behavior, or am I letting him get away with it?

As I reflected on the experience, I began to wonder if the anger I was seeing was protecting something deeper. Fear. Hurt. Powerlessness. A need for control after living through situations where there was none.

This is not a how-to episode. It's a conversation about parenting, trauma, character, accountability, and the tension between understanding our kids and holding them responsible for their actions.

If you're raising children through foster care, adoption, trauma, abandonment, or simply navigating big emotions in your home, I hope this episode helps you feel a little less alone.

Because sometimes understanding what is underneath the anger changes the way we respond to it.

And sometimes the most important lessons we learn as parents come from the moments that hurt the most.

You're doing better than you think you are.

shawnhop.com to schedule a session with Shawn Hopkins, CTACC

aParently.community for resources, articles, videos, classes, and other parents talking about what's working and what they are working through.

What do you do when your child seems older than their age?

In this episode of aParently! A Podcast for Parents, Shawn talks with dad Brad Sparks about raising a daughter who is emotionally mature, independent, and eager to take on the world, sometimes faster than childhood naturally moves. Together they explore the tension between respecting a child's capability and protecting their right to still be a kid.

They also dive into:

Parenting a child who feels 'ahead' of peers

How maturity can sometimes lead to loneliness

Anger in kids - what's underneath it

Letting siblings work through conflict

Teaching emotional skills without overloading a child

The fear parents carry when they see their own childhood patterns in their kids

This conversation is honest, thoughtful, and deeply relatable for parents raising strong-willed, big-feeling kids.

If you've ever wondered whether your child is growing up too fast

or how to support a kid who thinks like an adult

This might be helpful

You don't have to figure this out alone.

Shawn offers free coaching for parents at www.shawnhop.com

a place to talk through whatever you're facing.