All we really want in life is simple: an alive family and a place to call home. Somehow, we can't manage to make it happen.

We're back in the washing machine, and the loose threads of our broken dreams are getting stuck in the lint catcher... or something like that (you'll have to pardon our metaphors).

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- "It only hurts this much right now" is what I've been saying the whole time. - Labyrinth, Taylor Swift (and our Instagram post about it)

- ALAIL | Egg(s) on my Face

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

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As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

You know that voice in your head that says, "It's been long enough now... time to get over it" when you're having a bad grief day? Well, Alina heard that voice out loud from someone in real life, and we have THOUGHTS and FEELINGS about it.

We are sick of grieving. We are sick of living this life after our babies' lives ended. We are sick of being affected daily -- no, hourly -- by the trauma of holding our beloved sons' dead bodies. But apparently the people in our lives are sick of it too.

Apologies for Aiden and Quinn making SO MUCH NOISE throughout this episode. (But hi, boys!)

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

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As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

We're trying something a little different this week on As Long As I'm Living... This is a day in the life! We recorded all of our phone conversations for a day, and Alina spliced them together into this only moderately coherent podcast episode. It's a little chaotic, but truthfully that's because our brains are chaotic! We talk about tons of very real stuff and a bunch of nonsense. We hope you enjoy!

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

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As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Alina is starting IVF... TOMORROW! (Well, tomorrow as we recorded this episode.)

It's a mixed bag of feelings. Grief, that she has to do it at all. Gratitude, that she CAN do it. Excitement to be finally, finally taking steps toward having a rainbow baby.

There's a short follow-up at the end with the results from her first egg retrieval -- it didn't go great. Stay tuned for her next steps and more on her IVF journey.

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Things we talk about in this episode:

- ALAIL: Interviews with Quinn's Stepdad: Part 1, Part 2

- ALAIL: TFMR is Baby Loss, an Interview with Hadley's Mom Jill

- Empty Arms Bereavement Support

- ALAIL: Consolation Prize

- ALAIL: Grief Needs a Witness, with Dr. Denise Mandel

- ALAIL: There Are No Silver Linings, with Dr. Denise Mandel

- @griefwithDrDenise

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

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As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Thank you to Tyler, Quinn's step-dad, for this emotionally vulnerable and honest interview.

In this episode, Alina talks to her new husband about what the bad days look like from his perspective, how he takes care of himself while taking care of Alina, the great and not-so-great things about their relationship, and so much more.

Tyler also answers questions from listeners... questions like:

- How has this influenced any conversations surrounding fertility/parenting?

- Do you wonder who the "old" Alina is or grieve not ever knowing her? What do you like the most about the "new" Alina?

- How has Alina evolved in the last year?

- What is your relationship with Quinn, and how do you honor a child you never met?

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Things we talk about in this episode:

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Alina met Tyler on Hinge in November 2021, LIVE on an episode of As Long As I'm Living podcast (yes... this is real!). This weekend in July 2023 is their wedding!

Listen to this episode to hear what Tyler's thoughts were when he first met Alina and found out about her traumatic backstory, how he was initiated into the "dead baby club" by Alina (and Judith), and the way he approached supporting Alina in the early days of their relationship when they were still getting to know each other.

Stay tuned for next week's episode, which is a continuation of this interview. In that episode, you can find out about how he takes care of himself while taking care of a grieving person, how he develops a relationship with his dead step-son, and so much more.

I (Alina) love Tyler so, so much. He is the best possible step-dad for my perfect baby boy, and I can't wait for you to get to know him.

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Things we talk about in this episode:

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

It's a holiday here in the US, but here is an episode from when we were together in Boston in March! We chatted about returning to work, Alina's wedding, and more! If you'd rather watch us in action instead of listening, you can do that HERE!

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Last week on As Long As I'm Living, we talked about how expensive the first few months are after your baby dies. This week, we're talking about the long-term costs: lost work, therapy bills, and fertility struggles are just a few of the things that we and you all in our community have experienced since our babies died.

To listen to the first episode in this series, click here:

The Cost of Loss, Part 1: The Early Days

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Things we talk about in this episode:

- SIDS risk at daycare

- Snoo and SIDS

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

In this episode, we break down how much it actually costs when your baby dies. Headstones, ambulance bills, and autopsies... oh my.

Stay tuned for next week's episode, where we'll dive into the ongoing, long-term costs. The numbers are horrifying.

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Things we talk about in this episode:

- Study about Americans' readiness for a financial emergency

- Adalyn Rose Foundation

- Vitrified Studio infant urns

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Alina posted a reel on Instagram a few weeks ago, and it got big. It somehow found the eyeballs of non-loss parents, and they were NOT comfortable with being confronted with the reality of baby loss.

In this episode, we talk about how it feels to be a part of a movement to reduce stigma, what our approach is to gaining followers (spoiler: we want FEWER followers because that means fewer dead babies...), and the way it feels to have your grief judged by strangers.

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Things we talk about in this episode:

- Alina's reel about visiting Quinn's ashes

- The /r/twosentencehorror Reddit post about stillbirth

- Sad Comfy Couch podcast

- Guys and Grief podcast

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Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at [email protected], or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.