i knew that i may be the red light from the computer several  hours ago but i wasnt going to say but i did tell you

you know, when my mom died. i immediately went to live with my aunt pretty soon after.  you know,  they did not befriend me you know. its kind of like, if you were displaced from the place you live and then you had to go live in an emergency tent with others. it was kind of like that. they were not friends to me after she died.  a distant cousin of mine asked if it was like they put my under the stairs or in a storage room somewhere, and i told them it was like that living with the family after she died.  i did not know my aunt or her children before my mother died, we had only met a couple of times. so when she died, and i went to live with the cousins, i had only met them a couple of times in my life.  i try to imagine how they knew me, so i think when my mother died. it is like they dont know you , your mom knew you,  but your aunts and cousins, they know your skin. they see you as a chunk of skin to lug around. so i think when my cousins and my aunts family, when they think of me they think about like a chunk of skin.  they moved around a chunk of skin.  like i said before i didnt get to know the cousins or aunts uncles after my mother died either. and i had only met them a couple of times before she died.  

i am not able to explain very well but if my aunt or uncle, if they were asked about me, they would think about like a chuck of skin. there is not much there.  their personalities turned more and more dark as time went on when i would visit them. i only lived with them for a few months. the last time i visited them, they claimed that their computer died and they blamed me for breaking their computer. their computer was very old at time. but my aunt was screaming at me very bad about breaking her computer and i had only been there for a short period of time.  both she and shannon are screamers, but they do it in the confines of their own homes.  i one time witnessed my uncle john "spank" some cousins  but it didnt look like spanking because they were teenagers. it looked like hitting them in front of other people. 

the only other time she had screamed at me before, was when i first went to live with them, she made everyone a breakfast sandwich.  and to be nice, i actually turned down the sandwich so that someone else could have it or something. but when i turned down the sandwich she was like screaming and asked me to leave the table or something. that was 30 years ago so i dont remember exactly what happened but i remember she started screaming about not wanting the sandwich.

you may be heartbroken to know that the red light may be the red light that is on my computer. but it was very bright when i thought a bright light was flashing across my face but the red light on my computer it is not that bright.  it may have just been that. 

but yea the emo movement was larkinified.  i didnt know about that genre until i was in thirties. i listened to a song one time that was really suprising like very anti good. it was kind of like telling kids to go do destructive stuff like "go do this go do that " or something   when like 5 years before it was like love songs or whatever then like 5 years later a mainsteam song it sounded like a little troll telling the kids to go burn down the tree where they live. 

instead of a kids song it was a troll to tell a kid to go burn down the tree they live in. so when i heard that song i realized things were a lot worse than i realized. i missed all of that stuff when it was going on and found it when i was in thirties.  

so i am not surprised by what is happening now because awhile back trolls were singing to tell people to do stuff and doxing people with phones and riots things like that

there is a story about two american guys recently wanted to invade and take over haiti i think. "Two North Texas men are facing charges after allegedly plotting to invade an island off Haiti, kill all the men and turn the women and children into their sex slaves, according to the U.S. Attorney's Office Eastern District of Texas."  that was recent

i am pretty sure things are going to get bad.   its going to be like immature people using laser pointers on you and things like that.   that is what to look forward to i am afraid.

laser pointers and everything. like mean boys

its very stupid. they are going to be hostile to everyone. they want the land. but they will be hostile to the people on the land. may kill everyone.  some of them sound like they dont think very many humans should exist

like if you love hiedi klum , i dont love hiedi klum because she was there for the first victoria secret fashion show and stayed until the end and dominated the entire entertainment industry even though she is not american. she was very interested in using the internet in the 90s for the victoria secret show.   i dont like that personally. but i know a lot of you really like her and go to her parties and things like that.  kind of canker sore to me  she is more important than 99 percent of americans. that is why i dont like it.