Audio Tidbits

In episode 78 of How To Matter, I look into experts and offer three rules for working with experts in any field. The article below serves as the handout for the episode. I come to the conclusion that from time to time, enough is way too much, particularly since not all experts are equally expert. Now and then, it is time to fire the expert and move on.

The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it. -- Laurence J. Peter

Don't try to do jobs you don't know how to do. This does not mean that you don't try new things or attempt tasks you haven't done before. You are interested in extending your knowledge and skills whenever the opportunity comes along. Rather, it means that you don't try to do things you have no reasonable knowledge of or familiarity with. You stay within your known capacity and expertise. If you are going outside of your personal and professional limits, you associate with an expert in the new area. You can learn, can be trained, but don't act as if you are when you aren't.

In episode 77 of How To Matter, I wonder if success and failure are real or perhaps mostly mind games we play with ourselves. The article below serves as the handout for the discussion. My conclusion is that we mostly impose the notions of success and failure on ourselves and on our achievements and shortcomings.

A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him. -- Elmer G. Letterman

The psychology of success and failure is complex but not particularly hard to understand. It starts with personal responsibility. Unless you accept the responsibility for failure, you can't take the credit for success. Either you are the agent of your life outcomes or the victim of people who are pushing you down. What Letterman didn't say is that, if you blame others for pushing you down, people other than you deserve the praise for pushing you ahead.

Separating yourself from what you do comes next. As William D. Brown put it, Failure is an event, never a person. Your success and failure aren't who you are. They are merely what you do. S.I. Hayakawa expanded on the same theme, Notice the difference between what happens when a man says to himself, ‘I have failed three times,' and what happens when he says, ‘I am a failure.' The key is in how you manage life's events, not in the events themselves. Robert Allen expressed it like this, There is no failure. Only feedback.

Now consider what you do with the feedback life provides. Napoleon Hill observed, The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail. It's not enough to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and climb back on that horse that threw you. You need a better plan for staying in the saddle. Sure, getting up and starting over is tough. Yes, that damn horse may throw you again. Indeed, your new plan may not work any better than the old one; but it's like Beverly Sills said, You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

Thomas Edison managed the disappointment this way, I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work; and Samuel Beckett had a similar persistent optimism, Try again. Fail again. Fail better. With role models like Edison and Beckett, you can hardly go wrong, so long as you keep trying. As Charles F. Kettering put it, One fails forward toward success.

George E. Woodberry knew the essence of success, Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure. Continuing effort is seldom elegant or easy; but Elbert Hubbard's simple point may be all you actually need to know, There is no failure except in no longer trying. With that said, Mary Pickford gets the last word on the psychology of success and failure, Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.

In episode 76 of How To Matter, I expand the discussion of good stress, bad stress and bad bad stress to focus on an example of someone experiencing bad bad stress and eight signs of stress problems. The article below serves as the handout for the episode.

Kim felt restless and could not get herself to calm down. She tried to listen but could not concentrate on what her mother was saying to her. She was feeling the start of a headache. The past few nights, she had tossed and turned for an hour or two before falling asleep. Last night, she woke up several times and it seemed to take forever for her to go back to sleep. Waking up was not so bad; but the bad dreams upset her and kept her from going back to sleep. She could not get them off her mind.

Between her headache and feeling tired, there was no way she could pay attention to her mother. Calm down, Kim told herself. I think I'm going to be sick. She thought her nausea was because of something she ate but the more upset she got, the worse it got. Don't start crying again. I've got to get out of here, she screamed to herself as she turned and ran out of the room.

Signs Of Stress: Restlessness and trouble calming down; Trouble concentrating and paying attention; Problems going to sleep (may wake up during the night); Bad dreams (may have nightmares); Headaches; An upset stomach; Crying easily (may have crying spells); Losing your temper easily and quickly.

In episode 75 of How To Matter, I focus on stress: good stress, bad stress, and bad bad stress. The article below serves as the handout for the episode and explores bad bad stress in a family context. Regardless of the context, the signs of stress are fairly similar and equally problematic. In the podcast, I offer a tip for dealing with bad bad stress.

Restlessness and not being able to relax are the first signs of stress. Your baby is a little more fussy than usual for no obvious reason. Toddlers and preschoolers have more trouble getting along with each other. Younger children are irritable, cannot find anything to do, and expect you to give them all your attention. Your teen is in a mood but either will not or cannot tell you what is wrong. You do not care and wish people would just leave you alone. Part of you wants to fix it and the other part wishes they would all disappear.

You cannot concentrate on anything or anyone. Your thoughts are jumbled and you are up-tight and frustrated. Your uneasiness will not go away. You are afraid and angry at the same time; and if you get control of it or them or yourself, you think you will feel better.

Others in your family are having trouble too. They are unhappy. You cannot quite put your finger on why but know all is not well. They are preoccupied and unhappy with everyone and everything; and nothing you or anyone else does helps.

Stress is taking its toll. You are anxious, frustrated, and resent people who are so overly sensitive and touchy. Stress wraps around you and is hard to shake off, whatever you do, wherever you go. Fear and resentment, anger and frustration are just there. Maybe you know why, but probably not.

Stress exhausts you. You are not loosing the struggle but are not quite winning either. The outcome is anyone's guess. If you had a crystal ball telling you everyone will be fine, you would be okay. Even better to know it will not take very long. You would settle for being sure it will not get worse. Not knowing, not having control, and fearing even less control are at the heart of your family's stress.

You are a little up-tight or perhaps your fear overwhelms you. You are irritable or maybe your anger is nearing an explosion. You are tired or on the verge of collapsing. Whether a little or a lot, stress is scary, frustrating, and draining.

Get a good night's sleep. You will feel better in the morning. This sounds like good advice. You may still be up-tight and frustrated but at least you will not be so exhausted.

Here is the catch. If you get to sleep, stress awakens you and does not let you go back to sleep. At times, you cannot get to sleep at all. Whether you cannot sleep or are awake listening to your spouse or your child toss and turn, stress has come to live with you and your family.

Stress also causes bad dreams and nightmares. Bad things happen. The world is strange. In your dreams, you may do weird things, more bizarre than anything you ever thought about. Your dream lets you know how out of control you feel down deep inside. Stress keeps you on-edge. Headaches, an upset stomach, and generally not feeling well may be caused by stress. Other problems might be the cause; but stress is often the culprit. Crying very easily or times when you cannot stop crying also are signs your stress is getting out of hand. Loosing your temper quickly and easily or getting angry about things that normally do not bother you are certain signs of too much stress and too little control.

Is stress getting the upper hand in your family? Here is the fact of it. Problem stress is not a condition your family has and others avoid. Stress gets the best of all families on some days and threatens to pull the family apart at times. The question is whether you recognize your family's stress, see what it can do and is doing, and whether you manage it successfully or let it do you in.

In episode 74 of How To Matter, I focus on managing people and on our expectations about what they do, how they do it and the outcomes they achieve. To what extent do we impose our views and perspectives on the three key elements: what they do, how they do it and the outcomes they achieve. The article below is the handout for the episode and offers one perspective on the topic.

Increasingly in recent times we have come first to identify the remedy that is most agreeable, most convenient, most in accord with major pecuniary or political interest, the one that reflects our available faculty for action; then we move from the remedy so available or desired back to a cause to which that remedy is relevant. -- John Kenneth Galbraith

There is always more than one way to do things or to think about things. Although this is usually obvious, occasionally it isn't. At times, it appears that there is only one explanation, one possible interpretation, one right action, one correct understanding. That is when you need to be most alert. Obvious and right aren't necessarily the same. When there seems to be only one right way to think about or to understand anything, stop, reconsider, and give yourself a chance. The rule is to ponder the situation until at least one alternative right scenario comes to mind. Most always, there will be one if you are patient and persistent, and usually more than one.

In episode 73 of How To Matter, I look at the usual conservative approach to people, problems, and circumstances. As strong as that approach is, it's important to understand, respect, and rely increasingly on our judgment, experience and developing intuitive skill and capacity. The article below highlights the traditional conservative approach.

If you do not ask the right questions, you do not get the right answers. … Only the inquiring mind solves problems. -- Edward Hodnett

Don't try to solve problems before knowing why the problems came up in the first place. Although it usually does not matter, solving problems before understanding why they came up can be counterproductive. It's like a doctor treating a condition before knowing why you have the condition. The treatment, although likely effective, might make the condition worse or might mask the real problem. Unless there is a clear emergency and immediate action is necessary to prevent further, significantly worse problems, take the extra time to figure out the why of the situation. This reduces the likelihood of mistakes and errors in judgment and helps in another, equally important way. It prevents your acting impulsively or by jumping to conclusions.

In episode 72 of How To Matter, I discuss the disconnect between reality and our expectations for people, organizations, and circumstances. The article below serves as the handout for the episode. The tip in this podcast explores the truth that seeing is not necessarily believing, what we see is sometimes not what we get.

What we see depends mainly on what we look for. -- John Lubbock

Don't start projects or activities before understanding what is expected. This may seem obvious but far more often than you might think, people rush into things before clearly understanding the expected outcome. Usually, unsatisfactory outcomes aren't because of sub-standard work. People do what they do reasonably well. The problem is that they didn't do exactly what needed done to get the right outcome. The issue isn't with doing things right. It is with doing the right things.

In episode 71 of How To Matter, I return to The Frustration Factor to discuss a player who can and sometimes does drive us up the wall. My focus is on Warriors. These frustrating types are aggressive, insensitive, rigid, controlling, and never give an inch over anything big or small. They are quick to try to take charge of everything and keep others on guard and at an arm's length. In the podcast, I point out the key to dealing with Warriors and assuring that they don't indeed drive us up the wall.

In episode 70 of How To Matter, you are in for a special treat. I include an excerpt from the audio edition of The Success Train. We learn that the keys to success are Focus, Timing, Attitude, and Persistence. They unlock our success; and as we travel on The Success Train, our journey confirms our commitment to always saying Yes! to success.

In episode 68 of How To Matter, I encourage podcast listeners to focus on excuses and excuse making. Sure, I think we should avoid the need for being excused but that is unlikely. At least, it would be difficult if not impossible to avoid ever needing to be excused. The key then is in how we manage those times when asking to be excused is necessary. The little article below serves as the handout for the episode.

Don't make excuses, make good. – The Famous Anon.

You don't make excuses for not getting the job done. Since you most always get the job done, the situation does not come up very often. When it does happen that you don't get the job done, you accept full and personal responsibility for the outcome. Even if circumstances have worked against getting the expected outcome or if someone else hasn't done what they were supposed to do, you accept responsibility for not anticipating the problem or glitch. You know that, had you been smarter or cleverer, you would have anticipated and handled the situation. Through accepting responsibility and retrospective analysis, both your cognitive and intuitive capacities will serve you better the next time.