Audio Tidbits

A "Normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray. - Alan Sherman

Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people. - Martina Navratilova

Most people have become convinced that vanity is a bad quality to have. In fact, it may actually be a cardinal vice which makes it more than bad; it's terrible. If one explores this negative pronouncement in more depth though, it ain't necessarily so. For example, Lord Chesterfield said, "To this principle of vanity, which philosophers call a mean one, and which I do not, I owe a great part of the figure which I have made in life." There you go. Chesterfield thought vanity was one of the keys to his success.

It may be that vanity is little more than one of those things that is just going around. If so, even you may have a little yourself. As Blaise Pascal suggested, "Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who write this, and you who read this." No less an icon than Mark Twain said, "There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it;" and there is no end to how clever people can be when concealing it. To illustrate, Louis Kronenberger suggested this strategy, "Nothing so soothes our vanity as a display of greater vanity in others; it makes us vain, in fact, of our modesty;" so if you are uncomfortable with vanity, substitute modesty about being not so vane as some people you know. Just be sure to cleverly conceal it.

François de la Rochefoucauld is another one of the folks who got it, "What makes the vanity of others insupportable is that it wounds our own." Benjamin Franklin got it too, "Most people dislike vanity in others, whatever share they have of it themselves; but I give it fair quarter, wherever I meet with it, being persuaded that it is often productive of good to the possessor, and to others who are within his sphere of action: and therefore, in many cases, it would not be altogether absurd if a man were to thank God for his vanity among the other comforts of life." Antonio Porchia also understood, although he did slip in "ridiculous," probably as a minor concession to the vanity police, "Without this ridiculous vanity that takes the form of self-display, and is part of everything and everyone, we would see nothing, and nothing would exist."

Fortunately, there is a much better approach. You can simply re-conceptualize. What folks refer to in you as vanity isn't vanity at all. Rather, it's merely a reflection of your positive self-perception. It's what the psychologists call a good self-image. If someone accuses you of vanity, just smile and say:

I'm not a giant or a meek little lamb. I am me, that's who I am. I'm taller than a cat and shorter than a tree. I'm the very best me you'll ever see.

I like to laugh, I like to smile. I like to daydream once in a while. I'm extra special but I'm still just me. I'm the very best me I know how to be.

I always try to do my best. I'm good at a lot of things and getting better at the rest. Here's the truth for everyone to see. It's totally terrific being me.

I could tell you more stuff about who I am. I like spaghetti and strawberry jam. Here at last is the most spectacular part. I'm extra special because I'm so smart.

Now you know so there you go.

I am sad to hear that President Trump will be leading those who choose to celebrate Independence Day with a show of tanks and military air might. Instead of hotdogs, baseball and apple pie, we are representing our national pride by proclaiming to the world that our defensive and perhaps aggressive power is up to any challenge. Instead of wrapping our national pride in freedom and democracy, it is being symbolized by our biggest guns and fastest planes. Instead of a celebration to confirm and reassure, it is a message to reinforce the possibility if not the probability of war, a message to promote fear and trepidation. It is a bit like replacing Thanksgiving with a day of preparation.

Unfortunately, Erma Bombeck no longer has it right. Her gentle picture is just not there when the view is through President Trump's eyes. “You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”

Why should your children pay attention to anything you say or tell them?

Stop a second to think about what your first reaction was to the question. For most people, "Because I am the parent" or "Because I am the adult" or some variation on the theme comes to mind.

Both of these answers are reasonable and appropriate. What I want to point out here is that there are several reasons why your children should listen to what you say. It will be helpful for you to think about and understand which reason is operating when you want your children to listen, to pay attention, to accept what you are saying to them or telling them.

Your being clear about why they should pay attention will help them be clear about why they should pay attention this time. There is an additional payoff for you. When you are at work or in other situations where you want people to pay attention to you, being clear in your own mind about why they should pay attention will make it more likely that they will accept you and what you are saying.

Until you get comfortable knowing why you think your child or anyone else should listen to what you say, it will help to stop a second to be clear with your self before saying anything where you expect some action or response from the other person. Give it a try. You may be surprised to see how much difference it makes.

Okay, here we go.

Title Authority: Children are told that they should or should not do things because you – their parent – said so. Your title – parent – gives you the right to tell them what to do or what not to do.

Reward/Punishment Authority: If they submit to or go along with what you want or say, you will reward them in some positive way. If they do not, you will punish them.

Referent Authority: You present to them ideas of right and wrong, good and bad, and encourage them to conform to these standards. Sometimes this takes the form of encouraging certain behavior because this is “what we do” in our family or is consistent with what our family believes.

The Voice of Experience: You base your demands, expectations, and suggestions on your personal experience with the same or similar situation. “When I was young,…” is a typical intro to the voice of experience. Another similar approach starts with, “When you have lived as long as I have, you will…” The idea is that your experience takes precedence over the perceptions and judgments of the young person.

Information Authority: Your authority is based on your having knowledge or information that the young person does not possess. This authority approach is also in operation when you encourage the young person to read the instructions, talk with someone who knows about that sort of thing, or go to the library to find more information. The same authority approach is being used when you encourage the young person to check with his teacher, talk to a professional to learn the facts, or to wait awhile until you or the young person can find out more about the situation.

Control of Resources and Opportunities: This approach is ordinarily being used when youngsters are given allowances, when privileges are given or withheld, when special arrangements are made for things like lessons or the opportunity to participate in special events, or when you are trying to influence the behavior of the young person by controlling resources or opportunities. This naturally includes things like driving privileges, using the family car, grounding the young person, sending young children to bed early, and so on.

Acceptance/Rejection Authority: This approach is used far more than many parents realize. Acceptance is being given anytime you give the young person a special hug, smile at her, say nice things either to the young person or to other people about the youngster, or in some way reflect your approval and affirmation. Also, acceptance authority is being used when you reflect a continuing caring and love for the young person even when she gets into...

Diane Loomans once reminisced, "If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I'd do more hugging and less tugging."

Being a parent is both satisfying and challenging. Knowing exactly how to handle any situation can be very difficult. Sloan Wilson captured the central issue this way, "The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard."

Although being a parent is very complex and will have many twists and turns over the years, knowing how you and your child are doing through the process is less daunting. If the following statements are most always tru for you as a parent, both you and your child are most likely making the journey rather successfully. Before we get to the statements though, there is a point that needs emphasis. Joyce Maynard made the point for us this way when she said, "It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours."

Okay, here we go. Think about each statement and honestly decide if it is true for you. If it is, you and your child are probably doing just fine. If not, you definitely have some work to do and possibly changes to make with your parent relationship with your child.

1. I am reasonable and fair when disciplining my child.

2. I know what my child needs and what is important to him or her.

3. I am able to get my child to cooperate with me.

4. I spend time with my child everyday.

5. My child likes to spend time with me.

6. I am pleased with and proud of my child.

7. I am familiar with and interested in my child’s activities.

8. I know about and am helping with my child’s problems and difficulties.

9. I set a good example for my child.

10. I give my child his or her space.

11. My child and I regularly talk with each other.

12. I am interested in my child’s ideas and thoughts about things.

13. I support and encourage my child’s being who he or she is and his or her unique style.

14. I am a good parent.

Now you know so there you go.

Young people, like adults, have better days and worse days. Even so, they typically stay toward the middle between better and worse and seldom drift very far toward worse. They have many more up days than down, with the down days being reasonably described as feeling sad or just bummed out.

The point is that as dramatic as youngsters can sometimes be, they do not normally get seriously down or depressed; and when they do, it does not last more than a few days. They rebound fairly quickly.

The same holds for their behavior and adjustment. They keep it between the lines most of the time; and if they get a little out of bounds, it is unusual and temporary.

The following statements describe a well-adjusted young person. Although any youngster is unlikely to fit the descriptions all the time, the descriptions fit most young people most of the time. When a youngster's behavior or adjustment noticeably deviates from the description, concern is appropriate. If the problem or issue goes on for more than a few days, something is going on that needs appropriate adult intervention. Talk with the young person about your concern. If that does not lead to positive change within a couple of weeks, consider consulting with a professional who has expertise in working with young people. If the problem or issue is more severe or serious, do not wait to initiate your intervention.

1. Is energetic and interested in what is going on around him or her.

2. Feels attractive.

3. Is relaxed and comfortable with himself or herself.

4. Likes himself or herself.

5. Is self-confident.

6. Has a normal appetite and eating habits.

7. Stays away from drugs and alcohol.

8. Is happy and in a positive mood.

9. Manages his or her temper and anger responsibly.

10. Is honest and truthful.

11. Is a good student.

12. Feels successful.

13. Likes school.

14. Finishes projects, assignments, or other things for which he or she is responsible.

15. Is well behaved.

16. Is easy for parents, teachers, and other adults to deal with.

17. Is a responsible person.

18. Is a dependable person.

19. Has friends his or her age.

20. Makes good choices when it comes to friends.

21. Gets along well with his or her friends.

22. Follows the rules and goes along with what is expected of him or her at school and at home.

23. Makes friends easily.

24. Is adventurous and willing to try new things.

25. Handles day-to-day stresses and tensions well.

26. Is healthy.

27. Will talk about things with parents or other adults.

Now you know so there you go.

1. What do you think it means to have good mental health?

2. What do you do to help your mental health?

3. What do you like about yourself?

4. What helps you feel happy, excited, satisfied? What kinds of people, situations, things help you feel good, help you be emotionally positive?

5. When do you feel unhappy? What kinds of people, situations, or things get you to feeling afraid, angry, sad, confused, or feeling emotionally negative?

6. Sometimes our negative emotions get out of balance and sort of take over. When this happens, we sometimes have problems with our behavior and adjustment. When your emotions get a little out of balance and the negative emotions take over, what kinds of problems does it cause you with your behavior, your adjustment?

7. Our feelings are okay. This includes feeling afraid, angry, or sad. How we deal with our feelings makes a difference, though. How do you deal with it when you feel angry, when you feel afraid, when you feel sad?

8. It is important to understand our anger and to express it appropriately. How do you express your anger? How do you let people know when you are angry?

9. It is important to understand our fears and to talk about them. What do you think is going on with you when you feel afraid? With whom do you talk about your fears?

10. Being sad is normal. Understanding why we are sad and sharing our sadness with someone else is an important part of good mental health. With whom do you share your sadness?

11. When our negative emotions get out of balance, it is important to try to understand and share those emotions with others. It is also important to get our emotions back into balance. When you are experiencing negative emotions, what kinds of things do you do to get things back into balance, to help yourself feel more emotionally positive?

12. The first person who can help you is you. You do this by being nice to yourself. What do you do to be sure that these nice things happen for you? – Sharing your feelings with others – Being positively involved with other people – Being cheerful with other people – Being helpful to other people – Enjoying a well balanced diet – Getting plenty of sleep – Trying new things – Keeping a good balance of work, rest, and play – Getting held when you need it – Giving and getting hugs – Not abusing or misusing alcohol or drugs – Being as nice to others as you would like them to be to you.

13. Feel good about yourself and others will feel good about you. Be nice to yourself – you deserve it. What have you done today to be nice to yourself? What will you do tomorrow to be nice to yourself? You are a special person. You are a person with style, all the time, on purpose.

Now you know so there you go.

1. Be cooperative.

This means you work well with others and are there to help as appropriate, when needed.

2. Be loyal.

This means you hang in there with the ups and downs and are supportive of and with others when there is internal or external conflict or criticism.

3. Be caring and concerned.

This means that you stay involved and interested in the successes stresses and challenges of others.

4. Be engaged and sharing.

This means that you regularly talk and interact with others.

5. Be respectful.

This means you listen patiently and carefully whenever others are talking, telling you about something, or trying to express their ideas or feelings.

6. Be trusting.

This means you do not get into blaming, accusing, or threatening others.

Now you know so there you go.

1. Be Accepting

This means you are okay with me as is, with no interest in trying to change me.

2. Be Affectionate

This means you find opportunities to be warm and close with me.

3. Be Ambitious

This means you are always on the outlook for chances to improve our lives.

4. Be Assertive

This means you speak up about what you want and need.

5. Be Attractive

This means you work to be someone I want to be with and do things with.

6. Be Considerate

This means you care about my feelings, interests and needs.

7. Be Consistent

This means you are always appropriate and predictable.

8. Be Dependable

This means I can always count on you.

9. Be Decisive

This means you are comfortable making choices and decisions.

10. Be Energetic

This means you are usually ready to participate in whatever comes along.

11. Be Fair

This means you don't think everything is about you and what you want.

12. Be Flexible

This means you are open to changing your plans and opinions.

13. Be Gentle

This means I can always be comfortable with how you relate to and treat me.

14. Be Giving

This means you are quick to share your time and resources with me.

15. Be Hardworking

This means you always do your share and consistently contribute to our success.

16. Be Helpful

This means you are always there to lend a hand and pitch in when I need you.

17. Be Honest

This means I can always trust you and believe what you say.

18. Be Involved

This means you always stay tuned in and participating with me.

19. Be Loyal

This means you always have my back.

20. Be Moral

This means you always try to make the right choices in our world.

21. Be Open

This means you don't withdraw from me emotionally or socially.

22. Be Patient

This means you hang in there with me when I am having trouble getting my act together or just having a bad day.

23. Be Playful

This means you are fun to be around and spend time with.

24. Be Positive

This means you are usually looking on the sunny side of things.

25. Be Predictable

This means I usually know how you will act and how you will feel about things.

26. Be Relaxed

This means you seldom get up-tight or anxious about how things are going for us.

27. Be Responsible

This means I can count on you to do what is needed.

28. Be Spontaneous

This means you come up with ideas and suggestions for us without needing prodded or cajoled.

29. Be Supportive

This means you are on my side with whatever I want or need for me.

30. Be Tolerant

This means you quietly put up with my little quirks and idiosyncrasies.

Now you know so there you go.

I think we all know that things are constantly changing, whether or not we are paying attention to the changes. It may seem that everything is the same today as they were yesterday, but they aren’t. Even if we don’t notice, nothing is quite the same today as it was yesterday. Things change, people change, circumstances change, and we change too.

What this fact of life and living demonstrates is that change is a process and not an event. The outcome may appear to be spontaneous but never is. Fortunately, we can usually understand what happened if we stop to consider it carefully. Even if we don’t understand, we know that the change was a result of a process that is just not clear to us.

At times, we decide that we are not satisfied with the status quo and want things or circumstances to change. The change we want may be for us, our family, a specific relationship, our work team, our company or other organization, our community, or within any context where we think change is desirable or necessary. That is when we consider initiating the change process. We know we don’t like how things currently are, and we have a notion about how we would like them to be. Getting from where things are now to how we want them to be is an example of the change process that is always chugging away. For this change though, we intend to be the change agent.

Whenever you intend to be the change agent, there are twelve questions you should ask and answer before initiating the change process that leads to the change you want; and the bigger or more important the change is for you and for others, the more critical it is for you to ask and answer the twelve questions.

Here are the twelve questions. Answer each “Yes,” or “No,” in relation to the change process you intend to initiate. For these questions, “yes” is only “Yes” if you are quite sure. If not, the answer is “NO,” until you are sure.

1. Do you expect the change process to succeed, to make a positive difference?

2. Do you have a realistic vision of or perception of success – how things will be when the change succeeds?

3. Are you personally motivated by the likely payoff or outcome of the change?

4. Do you understand that – in the long run – it would take as much time and energy to maintain the status quo or current situation as it will to get the payoff from the change?

5. Are you prepared to take full responsibility for your participation and interaction throughout the change process?

6. Do you understand your active role and influence in the change process?

7. Do you understand and are you committed to what will be required for the process to succeed?

8. Are you confident in your ability to do what is necessary to realize the expected change?

9. Are you comfortable working with the others involved in the change process?

10. Are you looking beyond simple self-interest in the change succeeding?

11. Do you see each participant benefiting from his or her participation in the change process?

12. Are you being realistic about your ability, skill, and capacity to function effectively within the change process?

Did you answer “Yes” to each of the twelve questions? If so, you are good to go. If not, you would be well advised to give a little more thought to it be fore initiating the change process you are contemplating.

Now you know so there you go.

I think we all know that things are constantly changing, whether or not we are paying attention to the changes. It may seem that everything is the same today as they were yesterday, but they aren’t. Even if we don’t notice, nothing is quite the same today as it was yesterday. Things change, people change, circumstances change, and we change too.

What this fact of life and living demonstrates is that change is a process and not an event. The outcome may appear to be spontaneous but never is. Fortunately, we can usually understand what happened if we stop to consider it carefully. Even if we don’t understand, we know that the change was a result of a process that is just not clear to us.

At times, we decide that we are not satisfied with the status quo and want things or circumstances to change. The change we want may be for us, our family, a specific relationship, our work team, our company or other organization, our community, or within any context where we think change is desirable or necessary. That is when we consider initiating the change process. We know we don’t like how things currently are, and we have a notion about how we would like them to be. Getting from where things are now to how we want them to be is an example of the change process that is always chugging away. For this change though, we intend to be the change agent.

Whenever you intend to be the change agent, there are twelve questions you should ask and answer before initiating the change process that leads to the change you want; and the bigger or more important the change is for you and for others, the more critical it is for you to ask and answer the twelve questions.

Here are the twelve questions. Answer each “Yes,” or “No,” in relation to the change process you intend to initiate. For these questions, “yes” is only “Yes” if you are quite sure. If not, the answer is “NO,” until you are sure.

1. Do you expect the change process to succeed, to make a positive difference?

2. Do you have a realistic vision of or perception of success – how things will be when the change succeeds?

3. Are you personally motivated by the likely payoff or outcome of the change?

4. Do you understand that – in the long run – it would take as much time and energy to maintain the status quo or current situation as it will to get the payoff from the change?

5. Are you prepared to take full responsibility for your participation and interaction throughout the change process?

6. Do you understand your active role and influence in the change process?

7. Do you understand and are you committed to what will be required for the process to succeed?

8. Are you confident in your ability to do what is necessary to realize the expected change?

9. Are you comfortable working with the others involved in the change process?

10. Are you looking beyond simple self-interest in the change succeeding?

11. Do you see each participant benefiting from his or her participation in the change process?

12. Are you being realistic about your ability, skill, and capacity to function effectively within the change process?

Did you answer “Yes” to each of the twelve questions? If so, you are good to go. If not, you would be well advised to give a little more thought to it be fore initiating the change process you are contemplating.

Now you know so there you go.