B-Sides For X-Mas

Brenda Kutz White, 1985 — You know, I think that’s it. I’m done. I quit. This has gone too far. I just can’t do it anymore. Not now. Not after this. Anyway, Merry Christmas!

Tom Waits, 1989 — Sweet mother of mercy, that voice.

Mistletoe Disco Band, 1980 — Christmas and Disco, together at last.

Billy Gilman & Rosie O’Donnell, 2000 — I’m not a violent man, but the first time I heard this song, I was waiting in a long line at Best Buy, and the sound of Billy Gilman’s voice made me want to strangle someone. After the second chorus, I ditched the items I had planned to purchase in the nearest end cap, and somehow left the store without injuring myself or anyone else.

RuPaul, 1993 — Back to back Drummer Boys! RuPaul doesn’t have as much of an ego about his/her rendition, dropping the definite article “the”, probably in an effort to appeal to the everyman cross-dressing Christmas caroler. I think it works.

Ringo Starr, 1999 — Ringo Starr would like to take this opportunity to remind you that he was in the Beatles. Ever heard of them?

Pebbles & Bamm Bamm, 1965 — This seems like a pretty bizarre choice of song for a pair of pre-historic toddlers to sing. Especially when you consider that they’re singing about the birth of Jesus, which would be several thousand years in the future. Maybe they heard about it from the Jetsons. Either way, it’s still an odd choice. Maybe not as bad as Britney covering the Rolling Stones, but weird nonetheless.

C-3PO, R2-D2, and Friends, 1980 — Good tune or not, you’ve gotta admit it’s a tough question to answer.

Evie Tornquist, 1977 — Christmas is all about traditions. For me, as a kid, the Christmas season hadn’t begun until we’d picked up my prodigal sister from the airport, set up the tree, brought out the anglocentric nativity scene, and put on the Evie record. Come to think of it, that’s probably where my love for mind-bendingly awful Christmas music came from. Here’s where it all started.

Robert Goulet, 1969 — That’s not just a warm sentiment, either. You’d better hurry your jingle-bell-jinglin’ ass home or, well, the reindeer won’t come back, or something. No ho-ho. Woah-woah. Until you get here mistletoe will miss a kiss that won’t be kissing. Wait, what?