B-Sides For X-Mas

Cheekyboy, 2006 — This is genius: what happens when you put DJ Kool’s classic Let Me Clear My Throat in a darkened room with Hillary Duff and some eggnog and peppermint schnapps? Holiday Magic™, that’s what. (Taken from the 2006 mash-up record Santastic II: Clausome.)

Pete Fountain, 1967 — Nothing says “rock” like a clarinet solo, so if you’re Pete Fountain and you find yourself making a Christmas record, Jingle Bell Rock is the obvious choice. I love how the vocals come in at seemingly random intervals, and then just as you’re ready to start singing along — BAM! — more clarinet. That’s Pete’s gift to the world: more clarinet. Thanks, Pete.

Cyndi Lauper, 1998 — We all know what she was getting at with She Bop, but what the hell is Christmas Conga? I guess it’s what you do when you’re 45 and looking to rekindle that holiday magic, so to speak. I can’t connect all the dots, but somehow I blame Gloria Estefan for this. (Hat tip to Kristina for sending me this monstrosity.)

Ray Bolger, 1963 — Yes, that Ray Bolger. He wasn’t just a figment of Dorothy’s imagination. In real life he wrote and performed songs about developmentally disabled elves whom other elves coerce into breaking into people’s homes in order to give “toys” to “children”. Now there’s a story that needs to be told with Will Ferrell in the lead role.

Boney M, 1981 — From the German-by-way-of-the-West-Indies mastermind who brought us BABY DO YOU WANNA BUMP comes this handsome retelling of a holiday classic. I hear these guys were huge in Iran in the mid-80s. No, seriously.

The Three Suns, 1952 — Okay, maybe Christmas polka is a good idea. Wow, are we done already? Merry Christmas, everyone! See you next year!

Liberace, 1974 — Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s just eccentric. Lots of guys wear fur coats and diamond rings and eye makeup.

Robert Goulet, 1969 — I’ll cut right to the chase: a reindeer told Robert Goulet that Santa Claus, like the old testament God of the Israelites, is angry with the world’s evil and iniquity, and is therefore canceling Christmas indefinitely. Like a modern-day Jonah, Robert Goulet is burdened with the responsibility to go into the world and warn of Santa’s impending judgment. Wait — what the hell?

69 Boyz, Quad City DJ’s, and K-Nock, 2000 — Hey Player! If you’re like me, you’re terrible at providing your friends and family with a reasonable list of items you might like to receive as gifts. My lists always include things like a new car and a case of beer. This song features not one, but two lists, chock-full of helpful holiday suggestions. Check it out.

Bobby Vinton, 1987 — Christmas polka? Who thought this would be a good idea? “Santa must be Polish/All dressed in red and white/Slipping down the chimney/While you’re asleep at night.” Is the Polish Defamation League aware of this?