B-Sides For X-Mas

Cindy Brady, 1970 — Quite possibly the all-time worst interpretation of this particular holiday classic, which is an accomplishment, because it’s not an especially difficult piece of music. There’s something charming about how consistently behind the beat she is, but then again I did just drink a half-liter of eggnog, so my judgement may be impaired.

Christmas Accordion, ???? — I have next to nothing on this one, but who doesn’t love Christmas carols played on an accordion?

Crash Test Dummies, 1991 — I might have more to say about this song if I could get past the first 14 seconds. When played back on high-end speakers, Brad Roberts' voice is capable of the fabled brown note, causing people and pets alike to suddenly lose control of their bowels. Which, depending on the quality of your headphones/computer speakers, might render today’s song NSFW. You have been warned.

The Pointer Sisters, 1987 — And he’s bringing assless chaps for all the girls and boys.

David Seville & The Chipmunks, 1959 — You’re almost certainly familiar with the Chipmunks’ song where Alvin wants a hula-hoop. This one is different. In this one, Alvin doesn’t want a hula-hoop, he wants a girl chipmunk. He’s not picky — small, fat, tall — it doesn’t matter. Luckily, Alvin has a magic harmonica that he uses to make girl chipmunks to do whatever he wants. BONUS: If you think that’s creepy, just listen to what Alvin really sounded like.

Little Rita Faye, 1953 — After her music career didn’t pan out, Little Rita Faye found her calling teaching abstinence-only sex education to pine saplings had two children, one of whom requested that I remove potentially libelous statements about Rita Faye, specifically the allegations that (a) Rita Faye had a less-than-lengthy music career, and (b) that Rita Faye taught sex education at any point in time, to any species of tree or animal; both of which are absolutely false.

Buck Owens & His Buckaroos, 1968 — Leave it to a country singer to tell it like it is about Christmas consumerism. Things haven’t gotten much better since Buck sang this song, but I’d like to think the gifts are a little more interesting these days. A coloring book?

The Golddiggers, 1969 — There’s a virtual truckload of information on the innermets about The Golddiggers, but I didn’t really read any of it. The gist of it is that they were strategically placed eye-candy on Dean Martin’s variety show in the late 60s. Why strategically placed? Allegedly Dean Martin refused to attend any rehearsals for his own show, so every bit he did, he was just winging it. The girls were there for “padding”. If it seems odd to jump from variety show eye-candy to holiday music recording artists, remember that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both made records, and someone you hang out with probably bought one. You see, we’re all part of the problem.

Gospel Bill, 1981-ish — I couldn’t find a ton of information about this one, but it appears to be from a special christmas episode of an early incarnation of the Gospel Bill Show, in which a dog named Barkamaeus saves the town of Dry Gulch from money-hungry real estate developers by winning an ad-hoc rap competition with this performance. Okay, I made up the part about the developers and the competition, but there really is a dog named Barkamaeus, and he really does rap about Christmas.

Bryan Adams, 1984 — I don’t know what manner of record producer looked at the world’s christmas music offerings and decided he needed Bryan Adams to record a reggae song, but it was an inspired decision. To those who would point out that Bryan Adams is French-Canadian and in no way qualified or capable of doing reggae, his birth certificate does say that he was born in Kingston, albeit the one in Ontario.