Bachelor Massacre

Zach is neither a snack nor a mack: discuss.

Welcome back to the Bachelor Mansion, folks! It's time for another set of arrivals turned rivals, hot messes in dresses, and tears for fears.

Season 27 of The Bachelor is finally here and our lead this year is (surprise!) a boring white bro grown in a petri dish using Jesse Palmer's DNA and a dab of hair gel. Zach Shallcross's journey has begun and I wish his last name didn't end in an "s" like Matt James because this means a whole 'nother season of apostrophe anxiety.

Join me and MandySays this episode as we pour gas on an already burning building.

If you want to read about the already revealed racist tweets of one of this season's contestants, you can peep that here. Even though it came out immediately, we were not aware of it until after we recorded. But I'm sure there will be plenty more controversies to highlight. Stay tuned!

Cue up I Know You Got Soul or at the very least Try Again .... Bachelor Massacre is BACK.

How we made it this long without talking some more shit is anyone's guess. From Clayton's total misfire to Gabby and Rachel's disaster of a season, we have missed out on some great drama worth commenting on.

This time around J Waves will be taking on the hosting duties, Amanda aka MandySays will be on socials, and special guests will round out the panel (including Mandy herself and regular J Waves collaborator Scotty Boombox).

Our first episode of Season 2 is simply Waves and Mandy going in hard and recapping everything that has happened since the Matt James season, leaving us primed and ready for Season 27 of The Bachelor with Zach Shallcross aka Wonder Bread Brad. Be sure to subscribe for weekly episodes covering this ever-regressing franchise.

*sigh*

*SIGH*

*SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH*

Was that me or Matt James? Who knows anymore, the sighs all blend together.

This episode of After The Final Rose was fucking depressing and maybe this episode of Bachelor Massacre is too. We prolly talk more about race stuff than love stuff but that is the season that we were dealt. And perhaps that is a good thing in a way. You be the judge! I'm just trying to stay out of court.

Shout out Emmanuel Acho for taking the reigns, asking the tough questions, wearing a turtleneck, and stretching that suit to the limit.

In a nutshell: Michelle and Katie are the new Bachelorettes (but not at the same time). Rachael loves Matt. Matt hates Rachael. And talk shows without a studio audience are weird. Good night, America!

What's next for Bachelor Massacre? We don't even know but hopefully BIP is right around the corner ... 🤞

Make sure you subscribe and follow and stalk us so you don't miss a single (future) episode.

Fux with our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and slide into our DMs.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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When they said this season was going to be "groundbreaking" I didn't think they meant that it would make me want to break a hole in the ground and crawl into it. Ooof.

Amanda and I were really rooting for Matt James in the beginning of this season but he turned out to be yet another man-child scared of commitment, at least, if that's what his mom wants him to be. He often expressed how much he cared about "the women" on his season but mostly just told them what they wanted to hear and thanked them for sharing their feelings whilst rarely reciprocating (though we do acknowledge that Matt's behavior overall was perhaps constrained by the role he had to fill as "America's first Black Bachelor", which he discussed at length on After The Final Rose.) Our love of frontrunner Rachael Kirkconnell was also spoiled, Michelle "The Obvious Choice" Young was harshly dumped at the last minute, and Bri Springs was also cast aside and perhaps will be leaving Bachelor Nation for good. And let's not even talk about Abigail Herringer.

The clear star of this episode was Matt's brother John. You can learn more about him and his "rap career" here. (Maybe it's harsh to put rap career in quotes but as a washed up rapper, I have OPINIONS.)

Matt may have left with Rachael, but what happened next? We suggest you watch After The Final Rose for the whole story or you can listen to our next episode about it and kind of get some idea of what happened if we can stop talking about Emmanuel Acho for 5 minutes.

It was a sad ending to a promising but disappointing season. We thank YOU, our loyal listeners, for helping us get through it all. Please do everything you can to support us (short of opening your wallets because we aren't ready to ask you to do that yet) and write us some reviews and give us all the stars and tell your friends to listen. Without you, we don't exist: if a podcast falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound????? I would say NO.

What's next for Bachelor Massacre? We don't even know but hopefully BIP is right around the corner ... 🤞

Make sure you subscribe and follow and stalk us so you don't miss a single episode.

Fux with our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and slide into our DMs.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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Dang! I miss the days of just talking about what a bitch Queen Victoria was. Now we actually have to deal with some serious emotions as things get very real for all the contestants and even Matt himself. Say what you will about this season's Bachelor, but the scene with his dad was legit moving and if you didn't get in your feelings over it YOU HAVE NO SOUL.

We are down to 3 women: Rachael (sexy and simple), Michelle (athletic and awesome), and Bri (the beautiful boss). All of them are in love with Matt, like, for real. It doesn't feel like anyone is here for Instagram likes at this point, everyone feels very invested. Sir Matt-A-Lot has attempted to "save" all of them, so they all FEEL SPECIAL. (Or in Bachelor speak ... he has "seen" them?)

In this ep we cry with Matt and his father (Shoes + Pizza ≠ Dad), I compare Matt to the child of a serial killer, Mandy compares the escalating quality of the fantasy suites, and we both wonder what happened to the rest of Rachael's shirt. Michelle is the obvious choice here but will lust, a skydiving accident, and pair of sleepy eyes prevail? One thing we all can agree on: BRI SPRINGS FOR BACHELORETTE 2021 OR WE ARE BURNING THIS MF TO THE GROUND 🔥🔥🔥

If you are a fan of this podcast, please follow us on our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! We NEED your feedback and ratings to keep this show alive. Don't leave us hanging like Abigail.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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I'm too tired to write a witty description of this episode but let's just say that The Women Tell All was a bit ho-hum seeming. I would have preferred a darker shade of lipstick on Serena C, but that's just me. Mandy would have liked to have seen a dang oil treatment on MJ's hair because that shit looked brittle, which I think is how I like blonde hair since I am attracted to farmers, and subsequently, hay. MJ could never be a farmer though because she is afraid of chickens and eggs. Mari really fought for her spot on BIP by acting like she was a relevant contestant but we personally don't give her much airtime. Unfortunately, we do talk about Victoria a lot, from her non-apologies to her aquatic jumpsuit to her use of the word "literally", which struck a chord with my co-host Amanda "Literally, bro. Literally!" Alvarez.

It was also a reminder of how much good stuff gets edited out in favor of drama and fighting. At this point, aren't we all just hate-watching this shit?

Do y'all think that some of this season's women were particularly bad? The term "mean girls" seems to have really stuck to a certain group of them. Let us know if you think they were victims of a bad edit or BAD CREDIT, uknowhatimsayin??? Obviously, all the toxic behavior was purposely highlighted, but do you think it was blown out of proportion? Or are some of these ladies just evil?

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
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Hey all. J Waves here. Last week was a mess as far as getting this show done. Monday night I was hit with an epic case of strep throat and my tonsils looked like scorched earth with gravel and scabs poured on it. 8 edibles, 6 pain pills, half a bottle of "severe" NyQuil, and some Amoxicillin later, I am doing much better. But in the brief window between Hometowns and The Women Tell All, Mandy had a birthday which she needed to celebrate all weekend long.

So last night, before recording our TWTA ep, we pieced together a short odyssey of what we remembered about the Hometowns episode which apparently was not much. I still have a craving for ham after Serena P's Canadian field trip and quiz. Serena, please call me soon, I'd love to hear more about the land of maple leaves and gravy. Serena C, I'd love to hear from you as well. You can tell me about "yummm" and "Daddy".

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Lurk Mode
Coronatose™

OOF. A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN BACHELOR NATION SINCE OUR LAST EPISODE. I highly doubt you fux with this podcast and don't know what has been going on, but just in case: Matt James favorite Rachael Kirkconnell found herself facing accusations of racism when the tasteless behavior of her past was revealed, including apparently bullying a friend for liking Black guys and DEFINITELY getting her "plantation vibes" on at an Antebellum-themed Old South party thrown by a frat whose members regularly beat off to pictures of Robert E. Lee.

Following this, shit REALLY hit the fan when Chris Harrison went on Extra to talk to Bachelorette royalty Rachel Lindsay. You can read about what happened on your own, but let's just say he fucking blew it. Bad. And talked down to Rachel on her own show! As a result, he will be stepping down as the host of the Bachelor for an undetermined period of time and will not be involved in After The Final Rose.

Rachel Lindsay's disrespect, which was totally avoidable, is yet another stain on the not-exactly-diverse franchise. To hear in Lindsay's own words why she felt the way she did, we recommend this episode of the podcast Bachelor Party. To read the full recap from Ali Barthwell that I reference on the show, go here.

While this episode of the Bachelor felt super gross, we still watched it. And recapped the fuck out of it. This was the lead-up to Hometowns so shit is getting realer than "Real Deal" Holyfield.

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Follow! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

Waves here. You know that feeling when you start doing a podcast on a totally different podcast but then it no longer makes sense to keep doing it that way so you make it its own podcast? Cause that's, like, totally what happened here. What started out as a bonus feature on my podcast Lurk Mode has become it's own ting-a-ling. So if you've been riding with me and MandySays since then or you are just discovering us, we're glad you're listening to the "brand new" Bachelor Massacre podcast.

This wasn't the most exciting episode of The Bachelor but a lot of things did happen. New candidates for Bachelor in Paradise were sent to their next quarantine. We realized MJ's legs were hawt as they were walking her ass the car. Heather Martin's teeth and toes filled screens across America. Matt James did lip calisthenics in turtlenecks like he has done every single episode. And Katie ... well, let's just say the wax on her wings melted as she flew to close to the sun. Do dildos float?

We also figured out our drinking game for this season: take a shot every time Matt sighs. You'll definitely get some time in between flurries but unfortunately when he DOES sigh, there's usually, like, 4 in a row. Make sure you've eaten before you watch.

Please like, follow, subscribe, rate, review and TELL YOUR FRIENDS about your favorite new Bachelor recap. The next episode of Lurk Mode is on the editing table as we speak. Be on the lookout for new episodes of all your favorite Sparse Mansion Media podcasts ✌️

Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode.

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The moment we have all been waiting for has finally arrived: "The Queen" is finally dethroned and YOU LOVE TO SEE IT. Good fucking riddance. It's really a shame because I feel like the majority of what me and MandySays have talked about is how much she sucks. Literally, for 5 episodes. Main topic. But it's all good cause now we can move on to other things like MJ's hair, Rachael's eyes, and Magi's minor-yet-powerful presence. We are already salivating for B.I.P.

This time around we have some hot One-On-Ones with Rachel and Kit and Bachelor Matt James continues to devour lips left and right like cold cuts off a charcuterie board (a phenomenon he just learned about for the first time a few dates ago. How does this guy live in New York??) There is also hella drama with MJ as she settles into her role as the new villain, one she relishes like me when I got to play a cop in a short film. Man, those uniforms are empowering! I wore it for 5 minutes and I was already staring people down and telling them to "move along".

Seeing as how Mandy and I have done a gang of recaps and I have barely done much else with Lurk Mode, we are going to be spinning our recap vibe into its VERY OWN PODCAST courtesy of Lurk Mode and Sparse Mansion Media. So stay tuned for those details, but for now you can keep recappin dat ass with us right here. If all goes according to plan, our next episode will be debuting in its brand new locale.

The next proper ep of Lurk Mode is gonna be a doozy, I'm talking a straight up CELEBRITY PODCAST CLAPBACK with chef and former LA misfit Whitney Dane. We are going to be trading our best TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES before she sets the record straight about the time(s) she was "enjoying trips and restaurants" with the "lesbian contractor" with "warrants out for her arrest" ... it's gonna be dope and maybe I'll even have static with another podcast when it's all said and done. I can't wait. See you soon!

Music in this episode:

"Bodak Yellow" - Cardi B
"Captain Save A Hoe" - E-40 ft. The Click
"Captain Save 'Em" - Kool Keith