Forget candles — President Trump’s celebrating his 80th with chokeholds on the White House lawn. Patrick Gutfield unpacks the plan to turn the South Lawn into the Octagon, Dana White’s grass repair bill, Conor McGregor’s confusion, and why this might be the most violent birthday party in presidential history.

Oh, and, Sex Chatbots.

From Miami, where we’re getting jiggy with it, Patrick Gutfield covers Trump’s upcming tour stop—a star-studded business summit featuring Will Smith, Lionel Messi, and more billionaires than sense. Plus, Chicago Marathon runners prepare for a new kind of race-day stress—ICE raids—and Trump “reinterprets” the back-pay law he signed himself. Portions of today’s program were made with the help of A.I.  We don’t pay them either.

From Washington, D.C., where Dolly Parton is fine and Mike Johnson is totally not hiding anything, Patrick Gutfield breaks down why the Speaker refuses to swear in Arizona’s newest congresswoman—who just happens to hold the deciding signature to release the Epstein files. Plus, Attorney General Pam Bondi turns her Senate testimony into a masterclass in dodging questions, and Dolly’s sister accidentally terrifies America with a late-night prayer post.

Nothing says “Commander in Chief” like showing up late to a military party you can’t afford. Patrick Gutfield dives into Trump’s wild Norfolk Navy spectacle — complete with unpaid sailors, a fighter jet branded “Trump 45–47,” and a 45-minute speech about stairs. Oh, and the First Lady napped through it. America’s back, baby.

President Trump spent the government shutdown creating AI deepfakes instead of governing, then turned on Fox News for daring to interview a Democrat. Speaker Mike Johnson refuses to swear in a congresswoman who'd be the deciding vote to release the Epstein files—total coincidence, he swears. And Taylor Swift dropped her most explicit song ever about Travis Kelce's... talents. Federal workers aren't getting paid, but at least we're all entertained.

President Trump discovers that hosting the World Cup gives him more leverage than a UN Security Council seat, threatening to move games away from cities run by "radical left lunatics" while holding cards on Israel's potential soccer suspension. Melania launches a Christmas ornament collection in October featuring American landmarks for ninety dollars each - because nothing says holiday spirit like spending that much on a miniature Statue of Liberty. And Los Angeles approves a one million dollar two-stall bathroom at Runyon Canyon, proving that even porta potty upgrades can become budget disasters in California. That's nearly half a million dollars per toilet, making this the most expensive place to take a break in American history.

The White House claps back at Ariana Grande using her own song titles, Trump promotes cannabis benefits for seniors while dealing with multiple health issues, and his eighteen-year-old granddaughter launches a clothing line from the White House.

President Trump explains his nuclear nickname system at Quantico, posts a racist deepfake of Democratic leaders hours after a "serious" meeting, and announces a drug discount website called TrumpRx that won't exist until 2026.

The White House issues an official denial that Stephen Miller plays with porcelain dolls, which is definitely a normal thing for government press releases to address. The New York Mets complete baseball's most expensive faceplant, turning a three hundred forty million dollar payroll into zero playoff appearances. And President Trump promises to declassify all the files on Amelia Earhart's disappearance from nineteen thirty-seven - because apparently aviation mysteries from ninety years ago are a pressing national priority. Everything gets declassified except the Epstein Files, naturally.

President Trump attends a mysterious gathering of hundreds of generals at Quantico that's definitely not suspicious at all. The White House insists it's just about "esprit de corps" and touring weapons, which is exactly what you say when everything is completely normal. Then Trump briefly promotes AI-generated "medbeds" - alien healing technology that turned out to be expensive heating pads from a New Age convention. Plus, Portland gets designated as "war ravaged," which comes as news to Portland residents who thought their biggest threat was choosing between kombucha flavors.