On this episode of the Krypt we are going to get into the second half of our Consent podcast, with our main focus on Boundaries but first, I have to welcome my amazing co-host, Funsize.
* A special shout out to Kuldrin, much of this podcast was written by Kuldrin, as he used to teach a class in boundaries during his tenure working in the psychological field. Much of this is actually just taken from those lessons and reformatted into show notes.*
When we left off from part one of our two-part series on consent we were talking about the importance of being able to say no, and uphold our boundaries when it comes to consent.
A boundary is defined as a dynamic line separating an individual's internal environment and external environment while varying in permeability and flexibility. This also applies to a line between others in that environment.
Purposes and Types of Boundaries
Purposes are to facilitate separation and individuation and to assist the individual’s adaptation to the environment.
For BDSM this means that you will use these personal boundaries to maintain your personal self, and what you are willing to consent to.
Types of boundaries can be broken down into:
Ridged open which can be considered your soft limits
Ridged closed, these are similar to your hard limits.
Flexible or the things you might be open to, and things you are willing to negotiate.
You need to learn what your appropriate boundaries are, how to set them, and how to recognize and respect the boundaries of others.
How to identify your own boundaries.
Become aware of your needs. You can’t expect others to respect or know what your boundaries are if you don’t know them yourself.
Get support. Having others who will support you and help you uphold those boundaries is an important step. Many times you can even find a protector to help you in this capacity.
Communicate effectively. Whether it’s expressing an interest or negotiating your limits, this has always been an important skill. For more information on the subject check out our episode on effective communication.
Be realistic.
Where boundaries start.
Boundaries are natural. Infants start to develop flexible boundaries at 6 months old. Boundaries are developed and set before age 3. Have you ever looked at an infant in the eyes and it staired back briefly just before closing its eyes or turning its head? It did this because the stimulation became too much. Thus it set a boundary.
People with healthy boundaries have limits and recognize what they are, know what they will or will not do and they know what they will or will not allow others to do.
Teaching others how to treat you within the BDSM dynamic boundaries.
Training is a big part of this. Not only do you have general training, but with each new relationship you have to train yourself and your partner as to how to be treated, and how to treat them.
Again communicate your boundaries. Listen and respect the communications of others as well. And remember that not all communications of these boundaries is vocal. A person may be demonstrating a personal boundary via silent cues so try to always be observant of your surroundings.
When boundaries aren’t respected.
When boundaries aren’t respected, and we are faced with consent violations what can we do?
If your consent has been violated, first determine for yourself if the person has made an honest mistake, or if this is a case of abuse.
Recognize that you are not to blame in either case.
Seek support from those around you.
Communicate your feelings.
Take your time. The simple fact is if you have been abused it will take time to heal, physically, mentally, and emotionally. The only person who can say whether it has been enough or too much time for this process is you. Rushing can often do more harm than good in these...