Psalm 17:2 NLT

'Declare me innocent, for you see those who do right.'

One of the challenges in the Church is our inability to talk about the darker side to our hearts that is there in each of us. Maybe I’m alone in this, yet I have found it difficult to establish honest friendships in which I feel comfortable talking about the darker side of my personhood that operates within this mortal shell of mine.

Perhaps I am over concerned about reputation or what you might think of me if you knew the truth about the inner recesses of my mind. Without anyone to talk through the darker aspects of my personhood, I must approach God, warts and all, and seek to discover how what I perceive as my unchristian selfhood is dealt with by the Divine. After all, it is God who created me and it is to God that I will be invited to present myself once I turn to dust.

In conversations with God, I have made peace with the unsavoury aspects of my thoughts and the behaviours they can give birth to. All attempts to deny or subject such aspects to a form of discipline to iron them out has failed. I’m left with the reality that yes, I am a mixed bag of both good and bad, and can only look to God for vindication.

It would seem that God is far more accepting of me than I may be of myself. While I live with the reality of my own prejudice, inner anger and the easy judgements I make of others, God sees the complete me and knows that as a fractured and fallen individual I am incapable of living up to a counsel of perfection, which I see in God. However, God is in the primary business of redemption and seeks to take the broken and turn it towards serving some divine promise. Acknowledging my inner prejudice even as it expresses itself is a powerful step towards refusing to express it and pollute the world. It remains to my shame, yet reminds me of my dependence upon God.

QUESTION: Is there someone who you can share your weaknesses and struggles with?

PRAYER: Thank you, Father, that you say over me: ransomed, healed, restored and forgiven.

Psalm 17:1 NLT

'Pay attention to my prayer, for it comes from honest lips.'

Deceit suggests both concealment and underhandedness. Neither characteristic is appealing. Yet I practised both from the start of my Christian walk. Choosing to explore the way of God at university and coming from a completely non-Christian background, I was an open page to write upon. I was unconsciously incompetent; that is, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. However, I quickly learned sex was for marriage and drinking was never to excess, a challenge for any teenage lad just arrived at university.

I also felt I was completely incompetent when it came to living this way. So my chosen strategy was to affirm the fine discipleship teaching I received while still drinking too much beer with my friends. I developed a life of deceit, in which, while conscious of deceiving those who discipled me, I also thought I was deceiving myself and God. Foolishness, I know.

Yet, when I was in a worship setting or in my own quiet time, I imagined I still enjoyed free access to God and that my prayers were intelligible despite my conflicted self. Now, I do think that God was gracious dealing with this Christian just a few months old. However, this deceit became laid down as a pattern for my Christian life. I would only bring into the light those things I wanted. So in effect I chose to be discipled in specific areas of my life and not in others. Well, the cancer of sin was certainly not likely to be eradicated from my system without addressing the source; my own reluctance to be known for who I was. Once I recognised this, it began a journey as well as a two-way conversation between me and God.

The years have rolled on and I feel the benefit of the freedom to be honest about myself. I cannot pretend to be who I might assume you might like to meet, or the person I have manufactured for you to meet so you might think kindly of me. I’m God’s fractured child, loved and accepted. I need to learn that in part, living at peace with myself is to live at peace with the world.

QUESTION: Where are the inconsistencies in your walk that the Spirit seeks to address in you?

PRAYER: Lord God, change me into the image and likeness of your holy Son, Jesus.

Psalm 17:1 NLT

'Pay attention to my prayer, for it comes from honest lips.'

Deceit suggests both concealment and underhandedness. Neither characteristic is appealing. Yet I practised both from the start of my Christian walk. Choosing to explore the way of God at university and coming from a completely non-Christian background, I was an open page to write upon. I was unconsciously incompetent; that is, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. However, I quickly learned sex was for marriage and drinking was never to excess, a challenge for any teenage lad just arrived at university.

I also felt I was completely incompetent when it came to living this way. So my chosen strategy was to affirm the fine discipleship teaching I received while still drinking too much beer with my friends. I developed a life of deceit, in which, while conscious of deceiving those who discipled me, I also thought I was deceiving myself and God. Foolishness, I know.

Yet, when I was in a worship setting or in my own quiet time, I imagined I still enjoyed free access to God and that my prayers were intelligible despite my conflicted self. Now, I do think that God was gracious dealing with this Christian just a few months old. However, this deceit became laid down as a pattern for my Christian life. I would only bring into the light those things I wanted. So in effect I chose to be discipled in specific areas of my life and not in others. Well, the cancer of sin was certainly not likely to be eradicated from my system without addressing the source; my own reluctance to be known for who I was. Once I recognised this, it began a journey as well as a two-way conversation between me and God.

The years have rolled on and I feel the benefit of the freedom to be honest about myself. I cannot pretend to be who I might assume you might like to meet, or the person I have manufactured for you to meet so you might think kindly of me. I’m God’s fractured child, loved and accepted. I need to learn that in part, living at peace with myself is to live at peace with the world.

QUESTION: Where are the inconsistencies in your walk that the Spirit seeks to address in you?

PRAYER: Lord God, change me into the image and likeness of your holy Son, Jesus.

Psalm 17:1 NLT

'O Lord, hear my plea for justice. Listen to my cry for help.'

Prayer is a mystery. We have questions when prayers are unanswered. My own journey with Katey was a roller coaster in the school of prayer as we wrestled with our desire for a supernatural healing amid our fears that we were talking into an empty space or that we must somehow be praying the wrong way. The intensity that this search for physical healing generated in our life and experience was overwhelming. Eventually it proved too much and we both were exhausted, physically, emotionally and spiritually through our prayerful endeavours.

This was reflected in our church’s experience. The numbers who gathered to pray for us at the start of Katey’s journey thinned quite quickly when no quick solution emerged. As their energy and ours failed, we found ourselves increasingly alone. Alone we faced periods of deep darkness and depression, anger and confusion. Where was God when we needed him most?

For both of us, this was a just cause. We were faithful in our service of God. We anticipated God would take better care of his family members. Our construct of life was one sold to us by a media-led society. It informed us that comfort and success was measured in possessions, personal security and freedom of choice. Part of our pain was discovering just how enculturated we were, and therefore just how far we were from God’s kingdom.

Sanity returned as I began to read the small number of writings of Saint Francis and explored the riches of the Church Fathers. Their world view was shaped by the privations of their own age and their wrestling with discerning the character of God’s kingdom and the nature of Christian discipleship. I began to grasp the importance of framing questions to carry to God. Instead of complaints disguised as questions, “You say you love us, so why don’t you heal us?” I now changed tack and asked, “Where are you, Lord, in this bitter storm that consumes us?” Questions that created a vacuum of silence, yet a silence within which I learned to discern God’s welcome presence.

QUESTION: Is the cry you bring to the Lord a form of complaint or even a veiled threat?

PRAYER: Lord God, because of your Son, hear my heart’s cry to you.

Psalm 17:1 NLT

'O Lord, hear my plea for justice. Listen to my cry for help.'

Prayer is a mystery. We have questions when prayers are unanswered. My own journey with Katey was a roller coaster in the school of prayer as we wrestled with our desire for a supernatural healing amid our fears that we were talking into an empty space or that we must somehow be praying the wrong way. The intensity that this search for physical healing generated in our life and experience was overwhelming. Eventually it proved too much and we both were exhausted, physically, emotionally and spiritually through our prayerful endeavours.

This was reflected in our church’s experience. The numbers who gathered to pray for us at the start of Katey’s journey thinned quite quickly when no quick solution emerged. As their energy and ours failed, we found ourselves increasingly alone. Alone we faced periods of deep darkness and depression, anger and confusion. Where was God when we needed him most?

For both of us, this was a just cause. We were faithful in our service of God. We anticipated God would take better care of his family members. Our construct of life was one sold to us by a media-led society. It informed us that comfort and success was measured in possessions, personal security and freedom of choice. Part of our pain was discovering just how enculturated we were, and therefore just how far we were from God’s kingdom.

Sanity returned as I began to read the small number of writings of Saint Francis and explored the riches of the Church Fathers. Their world view was shaped by the privations of their own age and their wrestling with discerning the character of God’s kingdom and the nature of Christian discipleship. I began to grasp the importance of framing questions to carry to God. Instead of complaints disguised as questions, “You say you love us, so why don’t you heal us?” I now changed tack and asked, “Where are you, Lord, in this bitter storm that consumes us?” Questions that created a vacuum of silence, yet a silence within which I learned to discern God’s welcome presence.

QUESTION: Is the cry you bring to the Lord a form of complaint or even a veiled threat?

PRAYER: Lord God, because of your Son, hear my heart’s cry to you.

Matthew 13:31-32 NLT

Here is another illustration Jesus used: “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed planted in a field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but it becomes the largest of garden plants; it grows into a tree, and birds come and make nests in its branches.”

Moving from a life lived within cities to a more rural context with Mum, we experienced some sleepless nights wondering how we would manage a garden. I had no gardening implements to my name and had previously enjoyed green spaces courtesy of the local council, rather than our own garden.

However, with the encouragement of neighbours and a fascination with experimentation, I created a herb bed. I soon discovered that starving a plant of water would kill it, and that weeds needed removing quickly to prevent them from overwhelming what I’d planted.

I’ve seen a mustard seed, yet never, apart from online, a mustard tree. The contrast is considerable. The seed can literally get lost in the creases of your palm, while the tree grows to produce a thick and wide canopy of leaves. This is the mystery of God’s kingdom and a challenge for us all. For I found and sowed my mustard seed at age 19, so some 40 years later there surely must be something pretty evident to notice. Four decades of growth have produced evidence demonstrating to others the nature of my life to date.

As I continue to struggle with expressing behaviours consistent with God’s kingdom, I reflect on the path of my life, decisions taken, sometimes in haste, on many occasions in what I perceived was my best interest. In this the afternoon of my life I want to ensure that I engage in some effective horticulture and recover the original kingdom rootstock from the hybrid that has grown. I want the story of my life to offer the gift of years gazing upon God and deepening my friendship with God to offer hospitality to all comers that they too might take a cutting and nurture their own kingdom life.

QUESTION: What evidence do others see of the kingdom of God in your daily life?

PRAYER: Lord, sow your life and truth into my life that it might serve your kingdom.

Matthew 13:33 NLT

Jesus also used this illustration: “The Kingdom of Heaven is like the yeast a woman used in making bread. Even though she put only a little yeast in three measures of flour, it permeated every part of the dough.”

Before discovering that bread contains a lot of sugar, something my ageing body can easily do without, I used to enjoy making bread. It is a very simple product containing just three ingredients; flour, water and yeast. The yeast is an essential element, for it has the capacity to take what is already in the flour and water, starch, and transform it into sugar. Called metabolising, the ingredients begin a process that eventually, once baked, provides the loaf of bread we’re all familiar with.

The yeast both enlarges and strengthens the dough. What was once inedible becomes edible and provides an essential and abiding image for Christ. So it is with the kingdom; God takes the ordinary and by grace introduces the yeast of the kingdom. We expand to become witnesses offering nourishment to all around us, while also becoming stronger as people. The problem is the process from dough to bread involves much stretching, kneading and being exposed to high heat. This perhaps best describes my own experience with Katey’s MS.

An ordinary married couple with dreams in our hearts and love for each other, we naively surrendered to God and repeatedly offered our lives in his service. We never imagined that God’s process of development would involve pain as we were knocked about both by life’s intrusion and our own challenges in coming to terms with our experience. We were stretched and placed under a lot of pressure, yet slowly transformed. Each of us emerged a different person from the experience.

Strangely, we felt very comfortable as raw ingredients, and reacted when we were brought together by God’s spirit to be transformed into something offering hope both to ourselves and to others. This is why we began writing short meditations as the means by which the loaf God had baked us into might attempt to offer nourishment to a hungry world. We wouldn’t have chosen this process, yet it unlocked God’s kingdom to us in fresh and inspiring ways.

QUESTION: What is God doing with the raw ingredients of your life?

PRAYER: Lord God, take me as I am and make something beautiful out of me.

Matthew 13:33 NLT

Jesus also used this illustration: “The Kingdom of Heaven is like the yeast a woman used in making bread. Even though she put only a little yeast in three measures of flour, it permeated every part of the dough.”

Before discovering that bread contains a lot of sugar, something my ageing body can easily do without, I used to enjoy making bread. It is a very simple product containing just three ingredients; flour, water and yeast. The yeast is an essential element, for it has the capacity to take what is already in the flour and water, starch, and transform it into sugar. Called metabolising, the ingredients begin a process that eventually, once baked, provides the loaf of bread we’re all familiar with.

The yeast both enlarges and strengthens the dough. What was once inedible becomes edible and provides an essential and abiding image for Christ. So it is with the kingdom; God takes the ordinary and by grace introduces the yeast of the kingdom. We expand to become witnesses offering nourishment to all around us, while also becoming stronger as people. The problem is the process from dough to bread involves much stretching, kneading and being exposed to high heat. This perhaps best describes my own experience with Katey’s MS.

An ordinary married couple with dreams in our hearts and love for each other, we naively surrendered to God and repeatedly offered our lives in his service. We never imagined that God’s process of development would involve pain as we were knocked about both by life’s intrusion and our own challenges in coming to terms with our experience. We were stretched and placed under a lot of pressure, yet slowly transformed. Each of us emerged a different person from the experience.

Strangely, we felt very comfortable as raw ingredients, and reacted when we were brought together by God’s spirit to be transformed into something offering hope both to ourselves and to others. This is why we began writing short meditations as the means by which the loaf God had baked us into might attempt to offer nourishment to a hungry world. We wouldn’t have chosen this process, yet it unlocked God’s kingdom to us in fresh and inspiring ways.

QUESTION: What is God doing with the raw ingredients of your life?

PRAYER: Lord God, take me as I am and make something beautiful out of me.

 

Matthew 13:52 NLT

Then he added, “Every teacher of religious law who becomes a disciple in the Kingdom of Heaven is like a homeowner who brings from his storeroom new gems of truth as well as old.”

It’s two years since we moved from our large Victorian house in Portsmouth to our current bungalow in which Mum joined us. While selling and buying was stressful, the biggest challenge was “downsizing” or moving on all the stuff we’d accumulated yet didn’t really need. The greatest difficulty lay with those things that held sentimental value, yet needs must, and while it took time, first to sort and then to let go of stuff, we managed it.

Our lives are a treasure trove containing much that is necessary for our walk of faith, and much that isn’t. Initially we enter Jesus’ embrace full of anticipation and ignorance. We are an open book and only slowly realise following Jesus is as much about letting go as it is about taking hold. Slowly we begin to discover that we’ve much to learn, and yet there appears insufficient space to store this divine life source. It becomes necessary to begin the hard task of determining what within our life stays and what we choose to let go of. This may be certain behaviours and attitudes; it might equally be life choices we take that move us away from God.

God respects us as the masters of our own household. While the Spirit highlights what needs to go, we alone are left with the power to remove it. In a nation of hoarders, where storage companies make a living renting out space for all the material treasures that we can’t fit into our homes, we discover that the kingdom of God offers no such additional storage. If we can’t utilise our stuff in God’s service, then it has to go.

QUESTION: What are those habits you cling to? What may you need to let go of in order to better follow Christ?

PRAYER: Lord Jesus, help me let go of the things that weigh me down and slow me in my pursuit of you.

Matthew 13:52 NLT

Then he added, “Every teacher of religious law who becomes a disciple in the Kingdom of Heaven is like a homeowner who brings from his storeroom new gems of truth as well as old.”

It’s two years since we moved from our large Victorian house in Portsmouth to our current bungalow in which Mum joined us. While selling and buying was stressful, the biggest challenge was “downsizing” or moving on all the stuff we’d accumulated yet didn’t really need. The greatest difficulty lay with those things that held sentimental value, yet needs must, and while it took time, first to sort and then to let go of stuff, we managed it.

Our lives are a treasure trove containing much that is necessary for our walk of faith, and much that isn’t. Initially we enter Jesus’ embrace full of anticipation and ignorance. We are an open book and only slowly realise following Jesus is as much about letting go as it is about taking hold. Slowly we begin to discover that we’ve much to learn, and yet there appears insufficient space to store this divine life source. It becomes necessary to begin the hard task of determining what within our life stays and what we choose to let go of. This may be certain behaviours and attitudes; it might equally be life choices we take that move us away from God.

God respects us as the masters of our own household. While the Spirit highlights what needs to go, we alone are left with the power to remove it. In a nation of hoarders, where storage companies make a living renting out space for all the material treasures that we can’t fit into our homes, we discover that the kingdom of God offers no such additional storage. If we can’t utilise our stuff in God’s service, then it has to go.

QUESTION: What are those habits you cling to? What may you need to let go of in order to better follow Christ?

PRAYER: Lord Jesus, help me let go of the things that weigh me down and slow me in my pursuit of you.