Beautiful one, if you are living with someone who is critical, controlling, narcissistic, selfish or just plain mean, you need a sharp set of tools and a tanker vessel full of patience, STAT! My husband recently suggested that I offer y’all the advice: “Just put his head in the toilet and flush.” Thanks for the tip, honey.

Dr. John Lewis Lund has a wonderfully practical book called HOW TO HUG A PORCUPINE: DEALING WITH TOXIC AND DIFFICULT TO LOVE PERSONALITIES. It’s excerpted in this episode.

I want you, one day, to have a marriage in which you’re more thrilled to see your Mr. than you would be to see Chris Hemsworth in the airport. Because your Mr. is yours. Your tame fox. Your rose. Schedule your free 55 minute “Feel Better Now” coaching session at https://calendly.com/bethechangeinyourmarriage-/feelbetternow?month=2022-03

“What is Your ‘Wife Style’?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com

Quotes from KOSHER SEX by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, THE LITTLE PRINCE by Antoine De Saint-Exupéry, “Toothpaste on the Mirror” by Bryce R. Petersen and FIVE WISHES by Gay Hendricks

It’s vitally important to remember that you can start over anytime. Each moment is one that’s never happened before. If you’ve been compiling a mental list of why your husband is a butthead, that’s interfering with you feeling close to him, you can cast that list to the four winds. You don’t have to hold onto it if it’s not helping you be happy. If you just yelled at your four year old for stuffing Orbeez® in the baby’s ear, you can apologize, calmly explain your concern and let the incident go. You don’t have to keep a rap sheet on yourself going in your head. You can be born again right now. In the words of author Debasish Mridha,"We are born and reborn again and again. We are changing with the waves of time."

“What is Your ‘Wife Style’?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com

I know the challenges of being a mom. Once kids arrive it can feel as if there’s no more lightness, no spontaneous relaxation or creativity, and very little productivity, just a constant succession of need, following obligation, their adorable little selves sometimes feeling like bowling balls strapped to your back, as you bob from incident to incident, attempting the unceasing work of running a household. The orderly progression of a project from start to completion feels as unattainable as an impromptu picnic in Marrakech with Melissa McCarthy and Channing Tatum. Add to that the downer of an unfulfilling marriage and it’s a wonder that you find the will to get out of bed and pull on your yoga pants in the morning.

But I want you to know here and now that love is available to you.

“What is Your ‘Wife Style’?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com

If I was a fairy at Sleeping Beauty’s christening, and you were that precious slumbering infant, and I could give you one gift, it would be this:

The courage to be vulnerable.

The courage to put yourself out there, to be seen, to feel the response and to love yourself through it. It feels so scary to be seen. I’ve been reading a groundbreaking book called NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION by Marshall Rosenberg. It describes how simple and beautiful communication could be if we could only truthfully describe the feelings and needs of others and ourselves without mixing in those stinging nettles of blame, moral judgments, accusations, labeling, etc. The only thing that interrupts the holy duet of one human being sharing authentically with another is fear.

“What is Your ‘Wife Style’?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com

I can remember a time when I was so unhappy that the only tolerable part of life was escape. To get lost in a novel or a movie was the best, but when it was over, I would reawaken to the dismal reality of my miserable life. I remember one day my Mom took me on an outing to get a massage, but I was so saturated with sadness that they may as well have been massaging a brick or a deflated balloon. No loving hands could penetrate the stony prison I had created for myself with my self-defeating thoughts. I blamed my husband, then, but the real culprit was the story I was telling myself about him and our relationship.

The true and lasting escape from my misery came from the following changes, so if you’re busy digging for lost masks in the crevices of your SUV, listen up. “What is Your ‘Wife Style’?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0

To schedule your free thirty minute coaching session, email me at [email protected].

One of my favorite quotes on the subject of human potential is by the late, great Stephen R. Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. He said “Every human has four endowments… These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change.”

You all have these four powers, and you can use all four of them to become happier and to cultivate a happier marriage.

“What is Your ‘Wife Style’?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0

Let’s be kind to ourselves and not get reinjured every time we encounter someone who has caused us hurt.

When you look at your husband, do you see a cumbersome collection of his mistakes? Do you feel your love for him clogged up by annoyance and offense? I’m sure you have good reasons, and perhaps some deep wounds. All the more reason to do everything possible to limit the hurt.

“What if forgiveness, rather than being a pansy way of saying ‘it’s ok’ is actually wielding bolt cutters and snapping the chain that links us [to that act]? Forgiveness is about being a freedom fighter.” - Nadia Bolz-Weber, founding pastor of the House for All Sinners and Saints

References:

Buddhist story: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hara_Tanzan Nadia Bolz-Weber quote: https://youtu.be/VhmRkUtPra8 Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com Course Info: www.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com

Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, in his book TRUE LOVE, A PRACTICE FOR AWAKENING THE HEART, “Whatever you do mindfully is meditation. When you touch a flower, you can touch it with your fingers, but better yet, you can touch it mindfully with your full awareness. ‘Breathing in- I know that the flower is there; breathing out- I smile at the flower.’ While you are practicing in this way, you are really there and at the same time, the flower is really there. If you are not really there, nothing is there. The sunset is something marvelous and so is the moon, but since you are not really there, the sunset is not for you. From time to time, I let myself look at the full moon; I take a deep breath out, and I practice: ‘I know you are there, and I am very glad about it.’ I practice that with the full moon, with the cherry blossoms… We are surrounded by miracles, but we have to recognize them; otherwise there is no life.” Time for a challenge. Next time he says something to you, could you put down your phone, gaze at him as if for the first time with the attention you’d give a masterwork of painting you’d just stood in line for an hour to see? He’ll probably think there’s something wrong with you. Maybe he’ll pull a face and say, “What?” You might just respond with, “I just think I need to try to pay better attention to you sometimes.” Then he might be scared that you want to criticize him or give him a job to do or something, so you could say, “That’s all.” And that’s enough for now. It’s a seed beginning to sprout, and you have the blessed opportunity to nurture it. And send yourself a good dose of love and congrats for making the effort. I’m rooting for you.

Here’s the link to the “What is Your Wifestyle?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0.

A great marriage is not one in which your partner supplies joy and a sense of worth, but one in which they reflect and magnify the joy and self-worth already within you.

As you come to terms with that, and release him from holding your emotional health, you will have fewer arguments because you’ll have healed those fearful raw spots which trigger your defenses.

You are also giving up trying to “control or fix other people’s problems.” As you work on the marriage you honor and express a loving confidence in his ability to learn and grow and choose for himself. And far from being a “doormat” or taking on more than your fair share, you are empowered to set boundaries and make simple, fortifying requests. You are loving yourself, and the love overflows to him and the marriage gets “simpler and freer and richer and clearer,” (to quote the lyrics of the late, great Stephen Sondheim). Take the “What is Your WifeStyle?” quiz at

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0