“I like the death. I like the misery! I LIKE THIS WORLD!”

This week the Distinguished Professors go back in time to the golden era of the career of Belgian dance-brawler and split-doer Jean-Claude Van Damme and watch Cyborg, a movie consisting entirely of slow-motion fighting and screaming. Topics covered include mistimed sound cues, the unsanity of our times, El Doobie, the steampunkiness of the costumes due to their origins with the sequel to Masters of the Universe and other film detritus, Golan and Globus/Cannon Films, the JCVD dancing GIF, our misremembering of the deadly splits scene, the lousy and unnecessary opening narration, the weakness of the cyborg effects, the weird lack of plague in this plague movie, the weird menace of Vincent Klyn, the other films of Albert Pyun and the omnipresence of Brick Bardo, the cyborginess of the titular cyborg, the use of the “skinjob” slur from Blade Runner, the mystery of maintaining of order in a lawless gang, the origin of the term “gunslinger,” a plug for The Dark Tower series, Gibson’s teenage boy-approved arsenal, the 80s relic of the action movie catfight, no water shortage plot device in this one, a quick recovery from being crucified, the link between hypermasculinity and homoeroticism, the temporary resurrection of every JCVD villain in the climactic fight, and our plans for the next season of your favorite (whoosh) podcast. 

“You have aroused the three snakes!”

This week the Distinguished Professors watch Rowdy Roddy Piper as the fertile meathead of the future in Hell Comes to Frogtown! Topics covered include a post-post apocalypse movie, the best action movie hero name ever (Sam Hell), identifying the accurate level of sexism for this movie, the butch hotness of Centinella, the one-note instrument of Mr. Piper, the old guys need to explain that the WWE was once the WWF, the eternal question of where pubic hair actually begins, the weird connection between this movie and the awfulness of Rollergator, a Hell Comes to Frogtown – 1988 into in medias res, the same setting used in Kirk’s classic battle againstthe Gorn captain, 80s lingerie does no favors for the skinny, Chekov’s necklace given to Centinella, the incredibly thin metaphor of “the dance of the three snakes,”comparisons with Y: The Last Man and Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, the solidness of the frog costumes, yet another reference to Mel Gibson’s leather pants, comparisons with Mad Max: Fury Road and Flash Gordon, the old mengo on about classic video stores, a brief detour into polyamory with the ending, and Piper’s inability to say “blouse.”  

“I just think it’s a bit much.” 

The Distinguished Professors celebrate Pride Month by watching The Gay Deceivers, released mere months after Stonewall. Topics covered include Flatrock Distillery, Ted Nugent’s plan to avoid Vietnam, Elliot’s status as a gigolo, Michael Greer’s role in saving this movie, the weird collapsing of cross-dressing and pedophilia into homosexuality, the status of gay marriage at this point, the Woodman article {“Why Don’t Your Take Your Dress Off and Fight Like A Man”), the mostly sympathetic portrayal of gay folk, Elliot’s experience of gay stigma, excessive reaction shots when Elliot is watching Malcolm in the kitchen, the comedy misfires, gayness and comedians, the film’s deeper acknowledgement of gay stigma, the conflicting endings, Malcolm’s happy ending, the viral flower scene and Malcolm’s over the top flamboyance, Craig is the hidden hero of this movie, our love of ascots, FDR’s portrayal in Annie, Neil Patrick Harris playing a super-straight character, more on Michael Greer, our mourning of the passing of the windbreaker, the naming conventions of gay bars, Vanderpool as the ideal for society, Colonel Dixon, Procrutes vs. Antaeus, more great moments from Malcom, Elliot’s possible discovery of his sexuality, mooring vs. docking, the heavy feeling of paranoia, Elliot’s inability to perform, the role of this movie as a time capsule similar to Cruising (directed by William Friedkin, not de Palma), the role of Judy Garland as a camp icon, our expectation that Elliot would discover that he’s gay at the end, Elliot’s exploration of empathy, the dumbness of the final twist and Vietnam as a substantial killer of fun, and the rug’s name is Beulah. 

“Feeling a little inadequate?”

Join the Distinguished Professors on yet another post-apocalyptic encounter with the riot grrrl version of Mad Max, Tank Girl! Topics discussed include Shirley getting above his station, British sci fiction comics’ tendency to be set in not-Britain, offensive British accents, similarities with Turbo Kid, use of comic art in the movie, Courtney Love’s supervision of the great soundtrack, the Super Mario Bros. problem of imposing plot on a plotless franchise, lovin’ us some Portishead, Malcolm McDowell as the villain in everything, water as a plot device, a tangent about LaVar Burton as a villain with McDowell in Tomorrow’s Target, a plug for Berres’s D&D podcast Dungeons & Decisions, Ice-T’s appearance as a pissed-off kangaroo, relating the Rippers to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ group dynamics, the ubiquity of James Hong, weird pacing problems, Iggy Pop’s pedophile role, the Busby Berkeley dance sequence, our plan for a gritty reedit, the awesomeness of Body Count, the missile bra, an anti-plug for Ultraviolet, freedom = excess of water, the tank as a character, the curse of origin stories in comic movies, mutual blackmail material, and the impracticality of having a hologram head.

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“I have mastered your god! Accept me! Now!”

This week your favorite Distinguished Professors confront the Italian 1984 Sandahl Bergman vehicle and H. Rider Haggard re-envisioning She! Discussion topics include the distinct lack of Haggard’s version of She in this version, the racism and colonialism of the original, similarity to Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, the glory days of Skinemax and USA Up All Night, the necessity for more boobs, a quick intervention for Vanderpool, the fusion of barbarian Renaissance Faire and Western garb, Hercules/ Ercole/ Machiste connection, video game similarities, the rockin’ Rick Wakeman soundtrack, Nixon in ’88, the editing ate the story, the runners-up for quote of the movie, our new band Leper with a Chainsaw, on-air production notes, sexual assault and a call back to Supergirl, the workings of werewolf orgies, discount Robin Williams, Godan’s Communism, a long Superman Returns digression, the definition of a fop, speculations about the true target audience, the dubious responsibility of being a goddess, and a pronoun connection to Her.

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“The monster is a mirror, and when we look at him, we look into our own hidden faces.”

Today the Distinguished Professors do that which all lovers of movies of questionable quality must do: we watched Zardoz, the movie that made the world endure Sean Connery’s excessive hairiness spilling out of a red leather diaper. Topics discussed include the toilet-esque nature of our signature “whoosh,” the highmalarky ratio, comparison with 2001, the pointless floating-head narrator, the androgyny of the Eternals, the future is yet again saved by a hypermasculine dude, the goodness of the gun and the badness of the penis, the complexity of the layers of society, comparisons to Gulliver’s Travels and Dune, the prologue that gives away everything, Zed’s boner, the lack of sustainability of a murder-based society, Clink’s theory that the Brutals would be immortal if the Exterminators didn’t kill them off, bad Connery impressions, Michael Moorcock’s Elric, the constant meeting-hell of the Eternals, Consuela was on Dexter much later on, the cheapness of shooting on an Irish estate, speculated connections with Vermeer’s Girl with a Pearl Earring, the pointlessness of Friend as a stand-in for Arthur Frayn/ Zardoz, the reallyshort list of other movies starting with a Z, the role of fake art, unnecessary deviation into Look Who’s Talking and M*A*S*H, the lack of irony or thought in the selection of background art in this movie, Shirley usurps Vanderpool’s role in asking us what we learned, Zed kills the dumbass within, the misogyny of the ending, the creation of a new age, our attempt to figure out if this is a pre-, during, or post-apocalyptic movie, and the rejection of the unfettered imagination by the ‘70s.  

“Everyone, this is Alfred. I work for him.”

Welcome back to Because You Watched Starcrash’s extended exploration of Zack Snyder’s really long movie! You demanded it, and fanboys, you’re gonna get it. Topics covered include Vanderpool’s inability to use anything resembling human grammar to open the show, the intense awfulness of Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor, Thanos and Deadpool as Marvel ripping off DC, Luthor’s puppet master role in Batman v. Superman, the weirdness of being a voice actor, Luthor’s origins in the comics and changes over time into a corporate villain, Patrick Dempsey and that Transformers movie he’s in, art’s realness, the Atlanteans suck, Luthor’s motivation to hate Supes and simultaneously ally with Darkseid, the New Gods (minus Big Barda), DC/ WarnerBrothers’ lack of movie coordination, the Avengers Acura commercial, the independence of Wonder Woman’s opening scene and Diana’s change in perspective, a debate of the uselessness of resets in podcasting, Nazis as the universal movie villain, the verticality of 4:3 ratio, the invisibility of editing, excessive shots that don’t advance the story, the nebulousness of the Anti-Life Equation, the Anti-Life Equation as ripped off by Jesse Ventura vehicle Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, Darkseid’s power set, Silas Stone’s death, Supes’s black outfit and its various meanings, the brighter palate of the Whedon cut, black and white being about contrast, the terrible Leto Joker, the inevitable ranking of Jokers, the self-indulgence of the Batman apocalypse vision, the Joker’s hypersanity, why Diana is better than the other Amazons, Bruce Wayne’s dumb horse, and Alfred’s fussing over the tea.

“Oh, you’re good. You almost had me.” 

The Distinguished Professors share their thoughts on the fanboy-demanded Snyder Cut of Justice League. Topics covered include the awful Justice League of America tvpilot that we covered in Season 2, a very brief reminder of good stuff Joss Whedon created in the past, butt shots for everyone, Berres confuses old movie snobs Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorsese, Frank Miller, Aquaman and the Atlanteans suck,Namor and the Atlanteans suck, the lousy air bubble effect, Jeremy Irons as Alfred, the blockiness of Batfleck, past and present Bruce Waynes, the 4:3 aspect ratio and IMAX, the role of Cyborg in this story, Ray Fisher and Charisma Carpenter’s statements against Whedon, limits of watching on HBO Max, theories about how to properly begin this movie, Flash as a Whedon character, differences in tone between the MCU and the Snyderverse, the satirical side of Frank Miller, Steppenwolf’s motivation, run time opinions and what could be cut, lack of plans fora DC cinematic universe, Gal Gadot should be the next Indiana Jones, Cyborg’s touchdown, problems with the hierarchy of power levels and Darkseid’s first appearance in the movie, problems with Amy Adams being cast as Lois Lane, change in direction for Pa Kent in this movie, a brief defense of Enchanted, the superiority of Margot Kidder and Teri Hatcher in the Lois role, the centrality of Lois to keeping Clark good and the video game Injustice, Mallrats and Larry Niven’s “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” essay, humans always bury our part of the magical macguffin, questions about the origins of the Amazons, modern DC heroes as the new gods (more on the actual New Gods next episode), and our discussion ofwhat super powers we’d want.

“Whole world’s comin’ to an end, Mal.” 

The Distinguished Professors give into fate and face off against Oliver Stone’s crazed take on the Bonnie and Clyde story, Natural Born Killers. Topics include the mystery of Owen, the symbolic end of our world and the beginning of a new one, apocalypse as revelation, John Milton’s love of Satan, our inability to say “apocalyptic” or “cinematography,” Woody Harrelson’s heel turn from Cheers, Juliette Lewis getting typecast, Rodney Dangerfield’s even more horrifying heel turn, Wayne Gale as our viewpoint character, Charles Starkweather and Charles Whitman and Charles Manson, the critique of TV culture and parallels with Robocop,the 1990s’ greatest hits of true crime, Stone’s errors in seeing himself as a crusaderand the failure of JFK, Tarantino’s original script, ubiquitous Dutch angles, musing about what Tarantino’s version would have looked like, American Maniacs, Vanderpool resolves to not be the weakest link, Leave it to Beaver as an early distortion of reality through TV, Mallory as the sympathetic center of the movie, the amazing Russell Means and Native American imagery as another layer of meaning, the ambiguity of Kevin, the Trent Reznor-supervised soundtrack, Steven Jesse Bernstein and the opening montage, 89X out of Detroit, the wedding scene, the metaphysical reading of the movie and Mickey as a god, NBK as a magical working, chaos magic, American Mary, Charles in Charge and the Electric Hellfire Club’s cover of the show’s theme, the very special episode of Diff’rent Strokes and the juxtaposition of sitcom elements with Mallory’s backstory, a perfect reset, why it’s important to not be so eager, our plug for why everyone needs to see this movie, Tommy Lee Jones cannot sanction your tomfoolery,  the awfulness of Scagnetti, the guilt of the spectator and audience, being “lost in a world of ghosts,” the (eventual) redemption of Wayne Gale, British moral panic about NBK and Trainspotting, Mickey’s more mysterious trauma and the link between murder and childhood trauma, Charles Whitman and the UT Austin shooting, blurring of hero and villain, Altamont and the Maysles, Moll Flanders and the audience’s love of terrible people, our crisis of purpose when we talk about good movies, and why we shouldn’t censorthe word “douchebag.”

Dune (1984)

“My name is a killing word.”

This week the Distinguished Professors discuss David Lynch’s visionary tour de something, Dune. Topics discussed include josting, Clink’s babyface status, the movie’s ambitious failures, the nature of spice, parallels with The Lion King, Toto’s guitar-heavy soundtrack, information overload, the role of Princess Irulan as the narrator, the awesomeness of Dune: The Storybook, the perils of trying to stick too close to the book, the Shakespearean tone, Dr. Berres puts in a plug for Frank Herbert’s book, the hell of narration and the failure of the studio to trust the audience to figure out the plot organically, cognitive overload and too much information up front, inspiration for Galaxy Lords, parallels with Flash Gordon, pre- and during apocalypse movie, Star Wars’ version of spice, David Lynch and David Fincher aren’t the same guy, apocalypse as an unveiling or revelation here and in Natural Born Killers, Bob Morton as disinherited prince of the universe, Showgirls and the ruin of Kyle MacLachlan’s career, mentat eyebrows, Patrick Stewart’s rockin’ mullet, Sting and his full commitment to the character, the Litany Against Fear, convoluted naming, no women in space bikinis, the role of women in the story, the all-important pug, the gay coding of the Harkonnens, parallels with Aeon Flux, the weirding module, Muad’Dib’s child soldiers, the plot’s weird pacing, the backstory of the mentats, the logistics of milking a cat, bad animation, bad internal narration as thought bubbles, Baron Harkonnen as the height of the house’s decadence, attempts to figure out how folding space works, overwhelming whiteness of the cast, our commitment to watch Ice Pirates in the future, Alia’s tripping balls after killing the Baron, this is Scarface in space, Steven Johnson’s Everything Bad is Good for You and a comparison between Taxi Driver and Joker, and why Oliver Stone isn’t really a good director. Whoosh.