Becoming Me

Episode 149  

In this episode, I delve into the unique challenges that Catholic and Christian trauma survivors face in their healing journeys. Drawing from my own experiences and observations, I outline five specific reasons why faith can often complicate trauma recovery for believers. 

From the difficulty of accepting abuse within 'good' religious families, to the guilt around naming harm and the complexities of forgiveness, I discuss the psychological and spiritual hurdles that can impede healing. Join me as I explore how religious convictions, while deeply meaningful, sometimes inadvertently obstruct the path to recovery.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Ex-Missionaries of Charity allege culture of abuse and neglect
• "The Turning" : The dark side of Mother Teresa's order, according to nuns who left
• Report: Jean Vanier’s L’Arche Hid ‘Mystical-Sexual’ Sect for Decades
• 'Confusion, control and abuse': Report offers new details about Jean Vanier's secret sect and sexual exploitation

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction to the Podcast
[00:04] Challenges for Catholic and Christian Trauma Survivors
[02:15] Reason 1: Difficulty Admitting Abuse in Religious Contexts
[11:36] Reason 2: Unrecognised Abusive Dynamics
[17:12] Reason 3: The Pressure to Forgive
[22:37] Reason 4: Guilt in Naming Harm
[27:09] Reason 5: Distrust of Secular Resources
[34:43] The Impact of Religious Convictions on Healing
[35:58] Conclusion and Invitation to Reflect

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you resonate with any of these reasons outlined in this episode? 
If yes: Which reason(s) do you resonate with? What do you observe about its impact in your healing journey? 
If no: How did you feel listening to this episode? Are there other reasons you can identify from your own experience?

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Episode 148   

In this episode, I address a profound question from a long-time podcast listener and religious sister in Southeast Asia regarding her healing journey. We explore the intricacies of feeling productive and empowered at times, facing moments of deep uncertainty and doubt at others, and when questions of authenticity, accountability, and integrity become overwhelming. 

I break down the layers of her experience from a coaching perspective, discussing the sensation of overwhelm, life scripts centered around productivity, internal family systems (IFS) theory, and the stages of faith development from the Critical Journey model. This episode is rich with insights into the interior journey of healing and integration, emphasising the importance of giving oneself permission to feel, pause, and go at the pace we need in the interior journey.

RESOURCES

Book on Amazon
The Critical Journey, Stages in the Life of Faith

YouTube / Podcast
Stages of Maturing Faith: Insights From "The Critical Journey”
Personal Vocation Discernment through the Stages of Faith 

Watch this episode's recording on YouTube.
Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction and Listener's Question
[00:38] Context and Background
[01:04] Reading the Listener's Question
[02:25] Breaking Down the Question
[03:53] Observations and Insights
[05:43] Understanding Overwhelm and Productivity Scripts
[11:30] Internal Family Systems (IFS) Explanation
[20:03] Stages of Faith Development
[31:08] Final Thoughts and Encouragement

REFLECTION PROMPT
How would you describe your relationship with (i) Productivity and (ii) Uncertainty? What are some scripts that you might have in moments of overwhelm and uncertainty? Which stage of the Critical Journey is currently the most prominent for you in your journey?

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Episode 147   

In this episode, I discuss a common challenge faced by complex trauma survivors: the notion that those who harmed us did the best they could. I emphasise why it's crucial not to accept this idea too early in the healing process. 

We need to focus on acknowledging the harm and injustice inflicted upon us before considering the limitations and reasons why our abusers acted the way they did. This is a journey of radical honesty and acceptance, facing uncomfortable truths without bypassing our emotions. 

Join me as I explore why truth is essential for healing from trauma and how to reframe our understanding of love and compassion.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction
[02:00] Internalising Dissonance and Self-Blame
[03:13] Scripts and Roles for Survival
[04:37] The Capacity for Love and Attunement
[08:07] Holding Opposing Truths
[10:06] The Importance of Radical Honesty
[18:21] Navigating the Healing Journey
[24:36] Radical Acceptance vs. Resignation
[27:52] Concluding Thoughts and Encouragement

REFLECTION PROMPT
Notice if there were any particular sensations in your body as you listened to this episode. Which segments might they have been in response to?
What relationships in your life might you have noticed difficulty in holding opposing truths, or may have been told or thought that those who had harmed you “did their best”?

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Episode 146   

In this episode, I delve into the challenging and often misunderstood topic of deconstruction, especially for those of us healing from complex trauma as persons of faith. 

I share my own journey and how deconstruction has been an essential part of my healing process. We'll define what deconstruction means in this context and explore the three zones where I experienced it: Self-Identity, Family and Cultural Values, and Faith. Despite its inherent risk, deconstruction is a necessary and important part of the journey towards wholeness and a more secure faith in God. 
 
I hope my sharing reassures those of you on the healing journey that your experience of deconstruction or “undoing” is an integral and hopeful part of the healing process even if very few people in your life can understand you.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction
[01:44] Defining Deconstruction
[06:03] 3 Zones of Deconstruction
[07:59] 1. Self-Identity Deconstruction
[14:34] 2. Familial and Cultural Values Deconstruction
[19:58] 3. Faith and Religious Deconstruction
[34:53] Existential Faith vs Religious or Doctrinal Assent
[42:26] Questions for Pondering and Conclusion

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Which ‘zones’ have you begun to experience deconstruction in? What are the fundamental questions you are asking right now which you had never asked before?

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Episode 145   

In this episode, I open up about the challenges of experiencing setbacks in the healing journey. I share a recent personal experience that triggered a significant emotional response and discuss the importance of recognizing and managing these setbacks. By acknowledging the dynamics of our internal responses, such as through the lens of Internal Family Systems and complex trauma, I hope to offer support and validation for those feeling disheartened by setbacks. I seek to share a reminder that setbacks are a normal part of healing. Join me as I share honest reflections from my ongoing journey with you.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction and Context
[02:55] Patterns in the Interior Integration Journey
[04:46] Personal Sharing of Dysregulation Experience
[08:41] Setbacks Happen and It's Normal
[09:53] Navigating Recovery from Setbacks and Seeking Support
[16:45] God's Presence and Grace in the Healing Journey
[20:31] Conclusion and Encouragement

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have there been times where you experienced setbacks in your healing journey? What cues did you notice about your internal responses, and in your body? 
What resources did you have, or wish(ed) to have, to help you recover from setbacks?

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Episode 144   

In this episode, I share a deeply personal story about the painful moment when I realized that having faith and spiritual practices alone couldn't save me from the dysfunctional patterns in my life.

I discuss the inadvertent impact of unconscious complex trauma, the harm of spiritual abuse, and the significance of human integration in the healing journey. This reflection highlights the importance of seeking broader resources beyond faith practices in the journey toward wholeness in healing. This may include developing insight on psychological and family dynamics. I hope this sharing makes you feel less alone and provides hope on your path to becoming more integrated and whole.

In the previous episode, I introduced an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic context. Join me in exploring this significant resource—check the show notes for more information and a link to the workshop.

Link to Register for Spiritual Abuse Workshop. 
Read Paul Fahey’s article on Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00:36] Lack of Awareness and Spiritually Abusive Behaviours
[00:01:23] Personal Story on Spiritual Abuse
[00:02:27] Gaps in Human Formation and Integration
[00:06:07] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Poor Boundaries
[00:07:38] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Insecurities and Burnout
[00:10:15] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Performing and Pushing for Perfection
[00:12:13] The Wake-Up Call that I Had Harmed Others
[00:14:12] On Realizing that I Had Been Spiritually Abusive
[00:15:45] Trauma and Toxic Shame
[00:17:44] 'Waking Up' to the Integration Journey
[00:19:17] Acknowledging Our Context with Compassion
[00:24:52] Embodied Faith
[00:28:56] Encouragement for Listeners
[00:31:14] Conclusion and Final Thoughts

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you had an encounter or experience where you realised that you were harming someone when you were only intending to love them to the best of your ability? How did you respond to that realisation?

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Episode 143   

In this episode, I briefly discuss the importance of understanding spiritual abuse, particularly if you're on a healing journey from trauma and its effects on your relationship with God. I outline three major reasons why learning about spiritual abuse is crucial: it helps identify and heal from obstacles in our relationship with God, prevents the inadvertent perpetuation of abuse, and enhances accountability and responsibility, especially for those in leadership positions within the Catholic Church. 

I also introduce an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic context. Join me in exploring this significant resource—check the show notes for more information and a link to the workshop. 

Link to Register for Spiritual Abuse Workshop: https://www.catholicthirdspace.com/p/spiritual-abuse-workshop-7b6

 Read Paul Fahey’s article on Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church: https://wherepeteris.com/resources/the-place-where-you-stand-is-holy-ground/

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:31 The Impact of Trauma on Faith
02:14 Reasons to Learn About Spiritual Abuse
03:58 The Systemic Nature of Spiritual Abuse
05:25 Introducing a Valuable Resource
06:56 Personal Reflections and Endorsements
08:14 How to Join the Workshop
08:40 Final Thoughts and Farewell

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
What do you know about spiritual abuse in your own life? Can you think of any spiritual experiences where you had felt like an important boundary was violated but you could not name what it was?

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Episode 142   

In this episode, I delve into an intriguing question posed by one of my listeners: Can healing of complex trauma happen through a personal encounter with God where He reveals His true nature to us? 

Building on a previous video that discussed how healing complex trauma transforms our image of God, I explore the multidimensional aspects of such healing. I share insights from my personal faith journey, emphasising that while direct, mystical experiences with God can indeed be a significant part of healing, they are only one facet. 

I discuss the importance of healing through safe relationships with other creatures, including pets, and the crucial process of repairing our relationship with ourselves. This episode highlights the interconnectedness of our relationships with God, ourselves, and others in the journey towards holistic healing from complex trauma.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
01:04 Context
03:28 Viewer's Question
05:33 Pre-Response Notes on Interdisciplinary Perspective and Complex Trauma
09:12 Short Response: One Dimension of Healing
10:40 Extended Response: Other Dimensions of Healing
14:31 What Healing Is
17:33 Healing Through Direct Encounters with God
18:35 Healing Through Safe Relationships with Creation
22:24 Healing the Relationship with Oneself
24:02 Impact of Complex Trauma on the Relationship with Self, Prayer, and Trust
29:16 How A Broken Relationship with Self Impacts Relationship with God
35:25 God's Presence, and Interconnectedness in the Dimensions of Healing
38:52 Response Summary
39:24 Concluding Thoughts
40:40 Podcast Plans and Updates

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you experienced God revealing his loving nature to you in a direct, unmediated encounter before? Have you experienced God loving you through a safe and loving relationship with another person or creature? Have you experienced how healing your relationship with yourself has deepened your ability to connect with others?

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Episode 141   

In this episode, I delve into how our healing from complex trauma also heals our image of God. Drawing from my own experiences since 2008, I discuss three types of trauma—emotional neglect, emotional/spiritual abuse, and enmeshment trauma—and their impact on our relationship with God.

I explain how authentic love and healing can reshape these distorted images, drawing on personal stories and insights to illustrate this transformative process. I also address the challenges and fears that come with such profound changes in our understanding and experience of God. Join me as I share this deeply personal and challenging journey towards healing and a more authentic relationship with God.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
03:04 Healing the Image of God
03:24 A Personal Healing Journey
04:34 The Impact of Complex Trauma
13:47 Understanding Emotional Neglect
20:36 The Effects of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
25:11 Enmeshment Trauma and Its Consequences
26:16 Understanding Enmeshment Trauma
27:17 The Impact of Spiritual Abuse
30:01 Healing Through Authentic Love
31:33 Rewriting Our Story with God
36:48 Embracing Emotional Freedom
41:05 Navigating the Healing Journey
47:16 The Role of the Holy Spirit in Healing
52:09 Concluding Thoughts on Healing and Growth


TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you struggle to make an authentic self-gift of yourself without abandoning yourself? Where might you have learned that abandoning yourself is a good thing? Are you open to changing your mind and believing that it is authentic self-gift that Christ is inviting you to make?

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Episode 140 

In this episode, I explore how complex trauma affects our ability to make spiritual discernment by making it difficult for us to have "holy indifference". Often times we know we struggle to have that detachment we need to make a good discernment, but we don't realise that our difficulties may not be due to spiritual failings but because of the wounds in our embodied emotional capacity for authentic, secure love.

I discuss the importance of a secure attachment with God, the impact of trauma on our nervous system, how that affects our interior freedom, and how healing and integration can restore interior freedom in the discernment process. 

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Trauma and Spiritual Discernment
04:43 What Discernment Isn't
14:28 How Trauma Impacts Discernment
18:26 How Healing Transforms Discernment

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Is your experience of spiritual discernment one of deep security and detachment or are you often anxious about "making the correct discernment"? Can you identify one way in which complex trauma has affected the way you approach spiritual discernment?

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