Beware of the Leopard: the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy podcast

Mark, Danny, and the Jons present their Hitchhiker’s Guide entries on a return to school, including the long dark teatime of the soul, robot school, so-called non-subjects, and homework.

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Mark, Danny and the Jons present the Hitchhiker’s Guide to sport, with contributions on politics and PE, and a host of alien sporting activities sure to become major hits on Earth.

In our new format, each panelist writes a short essay on the given topic, in the style of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the book with the large friendly letters on the cover. Our thanks to Emma Wright (@ editorialgirl ) for being the voice of the Guide.

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Join Mark, Jon, Jon and Danny as they play Podcast Day, the text adventure game written by Mark.

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• Play Podcast Day

Join Mark, Danny and the Jons as they tackle the fiddly social issues that arise from living through a global pandemic.

Each panelist – including Mark – was tasked with writing an entry for an updated version of the Hitchhiker’s Guide. Jon Hickman wrote his on virtual meetings, Bounder went Marxist, Danny tackled isolation and Mark wrote about panic.

The team also share their tips for surviving the apocalypse, whether or not you happen to know where your towel is.

Stay safe, stay indoors, listen to podcasts.

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Join Mark, Danny and the Jons as they recap what they’ve been up to since our last full episode, say goodbye to a fellow Hitchhiker and Adamsify a piece of existing pop culture.

• How we picked up Hitchhikers
• We Apologise for the Inconvenience, by Mark Griffiths
• Stephen Moore on IMDb
• Marvin the Paranoid Android
• Podcast Day: the text adventure game
• Mark on Podcast Radio Hour

Join Mark, Danny and the Jons as they attempt to solve the world’s problems and make it a good and happy place. Jon Hickman turns to pop culture, Danny says it’s all about kindness, Jon Bounds has a 19th century German philosopher to thank, and Mark’s solution, unsurprisingly, involves a lot of talking.

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• You Don’t Look Like a Runner — Jon Hickman’s running podcast
• Thread — Mark and Jon Hickman’s other podcast
• Danny’s writing on Paradise Circus
• Pier Review: Danny and Jon Bounds’ book
• 15 Minutes to Save the World — Mark’s new podcast

Join Mark and the Jons as they finish up the last of the Zs in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Zaphod Beeblebrox

Zaphod Beeblebrox is – or was – President of the Imperial Galactic Government. His favourite mother is Alice Beeblebrox, of 108 Astral Cresent, Zoofroozelchester, Betelgeuse V.

Zaphod’s great grandfather is Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth. He grew an extra arm for Trillian, which took him six months.

Zarniwoop

Hidden away in a pocket universe, and played by Jonathan Price, Zarniwoop is the guy who concocted the plan, with Zaphod, to steel the Heart of Gold, in order to find out who really rules the universe.

Zarquon

The second coming of the great prophet Zarquon is highly anticipated, and finally happens at Milliways, just before the universe goes down the plug hole.

“Holy Zarquon’s singing fish!” is an expression of surprise and alarm Zaphod uses when he falls out of the giant cup on Brontitall.

Zentalquabula

On Zentalquabula are found ancient alabastrum quarries. An elegant terrace on one of the planets that was home to the Guide, was carved from this stone.

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Join Mark, Jon and Danny as they saunter into the Z section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Wormhole Disco

The place Zaphod and Roosta transport themselves to is the Wormhole Disco, which might as well have been called the Placeholder Club. In this disco there are nozels on the wall that spray the smell of hot sweat over everything, and the place is packed with dancing robots.

Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged

Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged was – indeed, is – one of the Universe’s very small number of immortal beings.

He’d had his immortality thrust upon him by an unfortunate accident with an irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch and a pair of rubber bands. The precise details of the accident are not important because no one has ever managed to duplicate the exact circumstances under which it happened, and many people have ended up looking very silly, or dead, or both, trying.

He was played by Toby Longworth in the radio series, and he’s made it his mission to insult every little being in the universe, just for something to do.

Xanthic Re-Structron Destabilised Zenon Emitters

The Xanthic Re-Structron Destabilised Zenon Emitter is just one of those throwaway lines Adams tossed in to a conversation between two robots. But if you put that combination of words into the Internet, you get this interesting question, which I’m going to pose to Danny:

Ysllodins

Ysllodins is the star around which most of the Galaxy’s major insurance underwriters live, or rather lived. As far as I can tell, this one isn’t real.

Zamphuor

Zamphuor is an unknown ingredient to add when mixing a pangalactic gargleblaster.

Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne

The Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne is a party that dines at Miliways, the restaurant at the end of the universe.

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• Who Runs the World? - Cat’s Cabinet of Curiosities

Join Mark, Jon and Danny as they traverse the W section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Wave harmonic theory of historical perception

Reason not withstanding, the universe continues unabated. Its history is terribly long and awfully difficult to understand, even in its simpler moments which are, roughly speaking, the beginning and the end. The wave harmonic theory of historical perception, in its simplest form, states that history is an illusion caused by the passage of time, and that time is an illusion caused by the passage of history. It also states that one’s perception of these illusions is conditioned by three important factors: who you are; where you are; and when you last had lunch with Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Whales

A short-lived sperm whale was brought about by the Improbability Drive on one of its first hops along the probability access.

/Where God Went Wrong/ and /Who is this God Person Anyway?/

Where God Went Wrong is, presumably, Oolon Colluphid’s first blockbuster heretical hit, and part of a trilogy that comprises this, Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes – which you can hear about us talk in season 4, episode 2 – and Who is this God Person Anyway?.

William Franklyn

William Franklyn played the Guide in the remaining three radio series, after the death of the original voice, Peter Jones.

Wise Old Bird

The Wise Old Bird was pllayed by John le Mesurier in the second radio series. Arthur meets him on Brontital where he explains the history of the bird people, who fled the shoe event horizon, shunning their shoes and taking to the skies, vowing never to set foot on the ground again.

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• Lawrence Lessig
• Our D&D alignment chart

Join Mark, Jon and Danny as they traverse the V section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Vogon constructor fleets

Here is what to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy – not actually evil, but bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat and recycled as firelighters.

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

Vogon poetry

Vogon poetry is the third worst poetry in the universe.

Vogsphere

Many, many light years from earth lies the grim and long abandoned planet, Vogsphere. Somewhere on a fetid, fog-bound mud bank on this planet there stands, surrounded by the dirty, broken and empty carapaces of the last few jeweled scuttling crabs, a small stone monument which marks the place, where it is thought, the species Vogon Vogonblurtus first arose. On the monument there is carved an arrow which points away into the fog, under which are inscribed in plain, simple letters the words “The buck stops there.”

Volluing

For the meaning of the word “vollue”, buy a copy of Squornshellous Swamptalk at any remaindered bookshop, or alternatively buy The Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary, as the University will be very glad to get it off their hands and regain some valuable parking lots.

Vroomfondel

Vroomfondel is a philosopher from Cruxwan University. In the radio series he was played by Jim Broadbent.

Walkmen

For some reason, Ford throws a bunch of Walkmens out to the crowds thronging around the ship that lands on Earth, in Mostly Harmless.

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• Will Self
• U and non-U English
• Charles Pooter
• The Diary of a Nobody
• Quote by the Dalai Lama
• The Vogsphere slapping sticks
• Revolution in the Head: The Beatles’ Records and the Sixties